I have only had one real relationship in my life, and it was with a guy. I fooled around with a girl once in high school, but nothing beyond that. I was 14 and he was 15. We played "straight" when around friends and his parents. His parents were strick Catholics, so they couldn't know. We were great friends as well as being lovers.

When we has sex, we couldn't do certain things because it reminded me of my abuse, but all in all they were positive experiences. During the end of my freshman year he committed suicide. It shocked me, we were very close and were together for over 7 months(long time for a high school relationship) and he never voiced his depression or these deep feelings he must have had. I didn't attend his funeral out of shame, which I regret. Since then I've not been in a single relationship except for the current one I'm in, which is long distance and maybe thus doesn't have to be as intimate. The one I'm in is with a woman. I've gone through times where I believed I was gay, then straight, then asexual and back again. The idea of being gay or bisexual scares me, as I have a lot of issues with my masculinity and not being weak. I want to be close to someone, but it's not easy. Everyone I learn to care about seems to be taken away in one way or another. I guess I just don't know what I want.

Hi Syris, I am sorry about your friend. It does sound like it was a real relationship. I think that is what is important, to have real relationships, whether they are friendships or something more. Of course The idea of being gay or bisexual would scare you, why would it not.

Take care,
Lostcowboy

Syris,

Being gay does not make you weak. Some of the strongest people I know are gay, and are the most masculine people in the world. Orientation has nothing to do with physical or emotional strength.

Remember too that your masculinity is what YOU see it as, not what someone else says it is. It's entirely your decision, for lack of a better word. We determine who we are, and 'they' contribute to that only if we let them.

Syris,

I'm really sorry to hear of the suicide of your first love as a teenager: I can imagine that hurts even today. And when you talk about how "Everyone I learn to care about seems to be taken away in one way or another", that shows that this traumatic event is still on your mind and complicating a lot of things for you.

One of these is sexual identity, and you should know that everyone goes through that in some form or another. In your case it's just become a lot more complicated because of abuse issues and the suicide of your first lover at such a young age.

Learning to face sexual identity issues isn't easy, but it sure is important. One thing to bear in mind is that the old arguments that gays are weak and lacking in masculinity reflect traditional heterosexual prejudices and nothing more. You have to be true to yourself, whoever and however you are. There is nothing wrong with you if you are gay or bisexual, and in any case this may be just a fear that you have.

Have you sought professional help for these problems? I think the most important thing anyone can say to you right now is that none of these issues make you a bad person; you haven't done anything to feel guilty or ashamed about. But dealing with these issues isn't a "do-it-yourself" task. And there is no blame in that either. It takes real courage to ask for help when you need it.

Looking back on my own case, I think just the task of ASKING for help was the most difficult thing I had to do. But it is making all the difference in the world.

Take care,
Larry