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#132100 - 09/25/05 08:55 PM Cruising confusion - I'm twisted?
Liam Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/03/03
Posts: 41
Loc: Currently South Africa
I was wondering if any of you guys ever went out to places and realized you were checking out another guy like on the beach. I am sexually confused choose to be heterosexual but realized my bi tendancies long ago. The weird thing is like today a guy actually followed me - open the toilet window and watched me as i peed. He continiously adjusted himself while looking in my eyes. The moment he walked around to the stall door i locked it. I thought of it as exciting and scary at the same time. When i opened it he were like a beast and he started to pull down his shorts. I laughed at him. Said hello and walked passed him washing my hands. I went outside and sat on a bench for a while. The weird thing is that although i were enjoying this i were ready to beat him up. I wanted him to touch me first and i were definately not going to be sexual with a strange man in a bathroom stall. I notice men checking me out before and really i'm just messing with their heads. It's like i wanted it to happen yet i were ready to defend myself if he even tried. The other thing that popped into my head were to tell him that i know he is a b......d waiting for young innocent boys to f..k. A vampire who sucks the blood of innocent young boys and men. Afterwards i got so angry that i were willing to call the police and give them a detailed desription of him. Lucky for him my cell were at home and i had no airtime on it. Thinking about it this very moment makes me angry again. Any ideas why? Do i have a right to feel like this. Any ideas why i feel like this. Thanks for listening


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#132101 - 09/26/05 12:42 AM Re: Cruising confusion - I'm twisted?
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi Liam, it sounds like you still have a lot to work out with your therapist. I remember you said that you had to go back to S.A.. Did you ever get a new therapist?

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#132102 - 09/26/05 01:32 AM Re: Cruising confusion - I'm twisted?
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Liam,

I wouldn't think that you'd be any more "weird" than a lot of us. Our CSA left us with a whole bunch of strange thoughts and feelings, all crashing into one another.

Guys check each other out as they would the car the other guy drives. Put sexual attraction into the equation and you've got another ball game...sorry for the pun.

Who abused us, what were they interested in, what did they get us to do. These distasteful acts put some awful ideas into our heads.

Like LCB says, talking this stuff out with our therapists is paramount to our recovery. It is only in the therapy session where we can see that these are not life condemning thoughts, but residual garbage with which we were left; thoughts and feelings that haunt us until we work them through.

Good luck, Liam, and don't beat yourself up too much.

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#132103 - 09/30/05 03:51 PM Re: Cruising confusion - I'm twisted?
Steve S. Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/13/05
Posts: 7
Loc: Cleveland, OH
Liam:

I am a gay male and I have had numerour events when situations like yours occur. I believe there are people out there "acting out" behaviors that they may or may not be aware of. The real question is how you feel and what you choose to do or not do with those feelings. Example do you know why you feel excited? Are you looking for an outlet or are you acting out or wanting to act out behaviors because you are not clear about the way you feel? A therapist is best to sort these issues out with you. My personal oppinion is what matters most is how you choose to respond to these situations and what is best and healthy for you.

Opportunity will always knock. The question becomes are you prepared to make the best decision when you open the door.

Steve

_________________________
Steve

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