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#132080 - 09/13/05 12:20 PM erections with women
lostone Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/09/05
Posts: 14
I am married and I love my wife dearly.
We only have sex a few times a year and I have difficulty getting an erection with her, difficulty for me getting turned on to her.

I have no problem stimulating myself and getting an erection. I have problems getting aroused and an erection for my wife.

I am wondering how many other survivors are in the same boat as me with this problem.

I have also found it easier in the past if I had oral stimulation on me before hand to get me arroused. If a woman really likes me and my body then it (oral on me) is something she would want to do too. Not just me stimulating her. My past experience when being abused and confused was having the guy go down on me. I find it would be nice to have it where it is something that the woman I love would love too. She says she does but if that were the case that would be the first thing she would be doing to initiate sex or just to please me orally without actual intercourse. I have heard that most women don't really like going down on guys. She says she does but I know she would rather have the actual sex.


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#132081 - 09/13/05 06:23 PM Re: erections with women
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
I am just starting to read a book called "Male Sexuality by Bernie Zilbergeld, PH.D." while a old book it does look like a good book. It has several chapters in it about Erection problems and how to resolve them. Also as we get older we need more stimulation to get a erection. So I would say go to a good used book store, and find some good books on the subject. I think that is all you need.
Take care,
Lostcowboy

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#132082 - 09/14/05 01:48 AM Re: erections with women
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Lostone:
What is going on in your mind when you are with your wife? If she really loves you and wants to give you oral sex, what are your thoughts about that while it is happening? If you believe that only whores want to do oral on guys, it might be difficult to accept that the person you are married to would *want* to do that (Madonna/whore situation?).

You wrote:
"I find it would be nice to have it where it is something that the woman I love would love too. She says she does but if that were the case that would be the first thing she would be doing to initiate sex or just to please me orally without actual intercourse. I have heard that most women don't really like going down on guys. She says she does but I know she would rather have the actual sex." Why not believe her about this?

Just because she doesn't initiate, doesn't mean she doesn't want to do it. Lots of women have a difficult time initiating (or only do so in a fraction of sexual encounters) but it doesn't mean they don't enjoy making their partner happy with it. Oral sex isn't an end in the sexual encounter. It may just be part of foreplay.

Perhaps reading some books about sexual pleasuring your partner can help eliminate or reduce any inhibitions you might have picked up along the way.

Another issue may be the role of the sexual abuse and its impact on your sense of being in control of the process (which is different from controlling your partner.) Some of this may be the fixation on the penis of your perpetrator and how that plays out in your sense of having control over the sexual aspects of your relationship with your wife.

If you are in therapy, you could discuss this with your therapist (who hopefully has some experience in this area.)

If you have a sense that the oral stimulation is tied into the abuse, you may need to disempower this connection to really appreciate and enjoy the pleasure your wife has from providing that in a VERY different environment from the abuse.
Ken


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#132083 - 09/14/05 03:29 PM Re: erections with women
lostone Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/09/05
Posts: 14
Well first of all I don't have a problem with getting an erection per say or ejaculating either. The plumbing is all fine. I can easily get turned on by my fantasy, sexual stuff eg porn etc. My wife is not a model as per looks although she is a very beautiful person.

I had a chat with my wife about the posting I did here about saying how I didn't think she loved to give me head. I wanted her to be straight forward about giving bj's and how she felt. She doesn't like/enjoy giving bj's to me actually but she has only done it because I like it. I am the first person that she ever gave head to.

I feel that I am very broad minded sexually wanting to try all sorts of things in my life. My wife is a more conservative person sexually which is a turn off and limits exploration, but I still love her. Oh well :-(


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#132084 - 03/04/06 01:00 AM Re: erections with women
sophiesdad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida
From my observation (and I'm not a professional), it sounds like you may have intimacy issues. Because you are interacting with someone who is VERY close to you, it may be that you are afraid and can only get aroused when you are experiencing what was familiar to you from the abuse.... does this make sense? Just because you don't get aroused by a female doesn't necessarily mean you are gay (I assume this is a concern of yours because of posting in this forum). It would be a totally different story if you found yourself aroused and wanting to form relationships with other men.

Does my observation make any sense?

SD

_________________________
There are no unresolved issues - they just didn't resolve themselves the way we would have liked. "Grinder and Bandler - Neuro-Linguistic Programming"

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#132085 - 03/20/06 09:05 AM Re: erections with women
lostone Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/09/05
Posts: 14
I have been with many women, more women than men. The abuse happened when I was younger. I do get aroused by photos of nude older men. Walking down the street men don't turn my head, women do. Perhaps it is because my first sexual experience was with a man, the attention I got was from men and that was engrained in me at an early age. Or perhaps I am just a late bloomer in denial about the possibility about perhaps being more gay than straight in this crazy world.


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#132086 - 03/28/06 09:43 PM Re: erections with women
Cedric Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/28/06
Posts: 12
Loc: New York
I have a related issue. I was SA when I was in 2nd Grade by my older sister. It happened several times. I then proceeded to forget about it for nearly 20 years. I have been with many women, some more pleasurable than others. However, the overwhelming challenge for me is that I can become aroused, but not climax during sex with women.

Does anyone else have this issue? I often times feel like my sole purpose in sex is to make her feel good and forget about myself. Do you think this is related to my abuse?


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#132087 - 03/28/06 11:06 PM Re: erections with women
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Cedric,

If my own case is at all typical, abuse will often work against a survivor's natural desire for sexual fulfillment. I desperately want this for my wife and myself, but the closer I get to it the greater the emotional obstacles seem to become.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#132088 - 03/29/06 03:27 AM Re: erections with women
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Warning - a little graphic

Cedric:
This is a good issue to discuss with your therapist (hopefully you have a good one). If the lack of climax is due to your inability to "let go" and have an orgasm (such as trying too hard to make it happen), that is something that a therapist experienced with the area can help.

It might be connected to the abuse in that you could be afraid of letting go to orgasm. It could also be a way to keep control in a situation with women. I am working with a young man who had multiple perpetrators and one way he keeps from reenacting the abuse in sexual situations is to be a masterful sex partner. He doesn't have a problem with ejaculating but he controls his orgasm to the point where the female partner is begging him to come. It is a control thing for him.

There may be other reasons that you are holding back (or unable to reach orgasm) but I don't have sufficient information to offer other possibilities. Again, discuss this with your therapist and if s/he is uncertain how to deal with it, perhaps s/he can refer you to someone who can.

Ken


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#132089 - 03/29/06 08:04 PM Re: erections with women
Cedric Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/28/06
Posts: 12
Loc: New York
Thanks Ken - I appreciate your insights. Funny thing was, before I even considered the idea this might be related to my abuse, I constructed all of the reasons why this was the case... maybe I was gay, maybe I had a physiological problem which occured from circumcision (i had multiple..the first doc messed up).

I do remember that I had difficulty the very first time I was with a girl (however, this was after I had already reached climax from other stim and then put on a condom...so I just thought it was because of that).

Since then it has always been an issue for me and I think it's now sort of a self fulfilling prophecy that I worry about. When I do go on rare occasion, it always feels good and enjoy it. However, my fear of "not working" scares me now and makes the problem worse.

I'm not sure my therapist is very familiar with this specific topic. However, I do feel like it's pretty mental. Is there something you know of that I can read that might be able to help me? Thanks so much for your insights.


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