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#132055 - 08/27/05 04:08 AM the chaotic years 1968 - 1972 Triggers
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
These posts don't really belong in any of the forums, but probably fit here best.

When I was raped, when I got home my mother told me that her and my dad were getting a divorce. In about two weeks me and my brothers and sisters had moved out to my grandma's on my mother's side, house. She wasn't using it any more. There was no running water, you had to get it from a well. You had to go outside to a outhouse to use the bathroom. You had to collect wood for the wood stove to cook and heat the house, and heat water to take a bath.
I still remember when my mother wanted to hold me, I wasn't on her lap for more than five minutes when I got a erection. I wiggled out of her hold as fast as possible. I knew that meant I was becoming like the guy that had raped me. That's the last time I let her hold me, I didn't want her to know I was becoming a monster.

About a month later my mom had her car accident, my teacher took me and my brother to the hospital, where we met my other brother and sister, I know we had some grownups there too just not who. My dad was a truck driver, and had took a load out, the final drop off was in Corpus Christi Texas, which is about 450 miles away. He didn't hear about it until he pulled in to Corpus, he didn't let them unload him, just turned around and high-balled it back to denton. He was driving one of the old non-turbocharged white trucks, he broke the old record for the run. Mom was pretty broken up on the left side, collar bone, ribs, and pelvis, had a punctured lung. When we were let in to her room, I remember thanking that the thing in the bed wasn't my mom, I couldn't relate it. once my mom got out and recovered she started going out with the guy who would become my step-dad. We moved down to Portland Texas. After the divorce we went on a trip to Ohio, to make sure my stepfather to be was no longer married to the wife he had deserted 10 years before. Once my mom got married she let the two older kids decide where they wanted to live, they wanted to live with my dad in denton. Mom, step dad, me, and my little brother moved to Toga Texas, and step dad started drinking. He was working at campbells soup factory, and was going to buy the caned goods by the case there, as it is cheaper that way. He had bought three cases of pork and beans. He also bought two cases of beer. Three days later, he drank the last beer, and sobered up, and had to hunt for another job, and we ate the three cases of beans. I still don't like pork & beans. ( I forgot to say that when ever my stepfather got drunk he would beat up my mother, that's how I found out the reason my mom got the divorce was because my dad forced her to give him a blow job, I am real sure my mom believed this as my stepfather had her head against the floor when she said this.)The little 9 year old girl down the street had a crush on me, but I was too old, I was almost 12 years old then. In school I didn't get along with any of the boys, for about six month they tried every trick in the book to try and get me to fight them. Including harassing me because I was a virgin, and supposily all six boys had been with the two girls in the class, yes they were in on that bit of harassing. Then one day, I guess I just snapped, and said yes, I would fight this guy that afternoon after school. i was in a different mode of reality, I wasn't afraid of getting hurt. I was just going to do my best to kill him, I had enough of the bullshit. Well, I guess he must of noticed something different, as when we had lunch he came sliding up to me and said he didn't want to fight me any more, I accepted that, it meant I didn't have to kill him. Shortly there after we moved to Aubrey Texas, it was there that I became a Peeping Tom I did everything I could to get a look at my mom's body with out her knowing I was doing it. One of the good things there was one of the girls in class liked me, we would wrestle in PE class, she would always end up on top. I liked it a lot.
But the house we lived in did not have any glass in the windows so we moved back to denton, and grandmothers house. My stepfather got arrested for DUI, and got put in county for six months.
Many a night supper was a can of celery soup on toasted bread, that would feed three people.
In the middle of a cold snap, mom asked me to sleep in her bed with her, nothing happened but it was stimulating for me. It only happened for that one night, The next night was just as cold but she did not ask me back. When my stepfather got out of jail, shortly there after he took me on a wild ride in his car, for the soul purpose of scaring the shit out of me, and said if I ever tried to do anything with my mom he would kill me. I guess, he must of caught me looking at her.
After that we moved to Gustine Texas, which is in Comanche county, a dry county, that means you can't buy beer there. Not that was a problem for my step dad, just a longer drive. We moved there to be near his dad and his younger brother. His dad was cool, he would tell me tall tales about all the inventions he used to make during the depression, not that I really believed him, but it was good to hear the tales. He was retired, lived on the food program that they had back then. He also would scavenge for metal in the town dump. My step dad never did get a real good job there, they tried to start a business building whatnot's, for the tourist trade, but there was not enough trade to keep it afloat. One of the things we did was clean bushes out of a 100 acreage field, from the man we were renting our house from. When the people in town found out that they had a drunk living in the town, the jobs just dried up, we got by. We started going to the town dump to get metal to sell, and soon were taking discarded food also, to eat. Me and my brother would hunt armadillos with a baseball bat, we got real good at that, even though I never liked killing them! They taste a lot like chicken. We would also catch snakes and horny-toad lizard to sell also. Some where during this time my little brother caught me peeking at my mom, and threatened to tell her, for some reason that put a stop to my peeking.
While the town would not give my step dad a job, I guess someone knew we were eating out of the town dump, as when summer came up the principal asked if I wanted a summer job. With my first job, I had some money, and we started eating better, of course my step dad had to get some beer. My mom made the mistake of saying that as I had a job, I was the man in the family, and needed to eat more. I think she got beat up for that.
Finally, mom and my step dad decided they had had enough of Gustine, and wanted to move back to denton Texas. As our car no longer worked, we put some clothes in the back of my step granddads pickup, me and my brother climbed in the back, mom and my step dad rode in front. About halfway there we had to beat on the glass as it was too cold in the back of the pickup in the middle of winter. So I seat on my mom's lap the rest of the way to denton. No strange thoughts, I think I was to cold, right then, I was just glad to be warm.
In denton I started the ninth grade in a big school, It was there that I heard the word homosexual, I thought it was a new word some one was trying to use to get me to fight. When I asked what it meant the boy said a boy that liked other boys instead of girls. I just said no I liked girls. I don't remember what the boy did after that, but he did not try to start a fight so I guess he was not a bully. In physical science I got to seat next to a girl I had a crush on, but her and her friend would talk down to me and make fun of me. We had this experiment we had to do with a plate of glass, showing how light would bend when it went through the glass. She just could not figure it out so I said I would do it if they would be my friend. They agreed, but after they got a passing grade they started back calling me names. So I learned a lesson you can't buy friendship. The next quarter we got to move seats, so I moved to where there was another girl I had a crush on. But she only thought of me as a friend, and only wanted to talk of her 21 year old boyfriend, that really hurt, like how could I compete with that.
I had a nick name, high-waters, because I had on these outdoor woodsman's boots, and I was wearing pants that were way to tight and short. I wasn't wearing them because I liked tight pants, we had no money for new pants and it had been at least two years and I was growing. Well one time when I went to physical science, I did not realize my zipper had come open. The first girl that I had moved away from, and her friend took this opportunity to jump around me saying what a big dick I had, but from the tone of their voice, they really meant how small a dick, It took at least five minutes for me to get the zipper back up. I really hated that girl, but you know what my sex drive still was attracted to her. Now that's fucked up. That night I was sharpening my knife, I kept a razor sharp edge on it, when I lost my rhythm and sliced my pants and leg. So I was down to one pair of pants. Mom finally gave in and called my real dad and that weekend he came and got us and we went to the big goodwill in Dallas, I got several pair of pants that fit me, and some shirts.
My stepfather finally got a good paying job at TWU university as a boiler control operator, of course he started drinking again. He and my mother got into a fight again, but this time he cracked her finger by twisting it, they call it a radical break. When he passed out, she told me and my brother to go to my dads house, until she came for us. So we took of across country staying away from the streets. We got to my dads house and for the next three days had peace. When mom came for us, I said that we had had enough and would stay with my dad now, she started to ask my younger brother, but I butted in and said no mom, you know it is best that he stays here. And so I abandoned my mom when I was fourteen. I was hoping that with out me and my brother along my mom would leave him. But she did not and I lost all respect for her. She stayed with him for another eight years until he had deteriorated so badly that he was no longer a threat. I did not learn this until just before she died, but he had threatened to come into my dads house and kill all her kids if she ever left him. I tried to get to her in time to say I was sorry for treating her the way I did, but I did not make it, she passed away before I got home.

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#132056 - 09/01/05 12:49 AM Re: the chaotic years 1968 - 1972 Triggers
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
When I moved back into my dad's house was when I was experimenting with myself.
A strange way to masturbate.
In high school I never did have a girl friend. Part of that was the girls I were interested in were all going steady with some guy. Where as I hadn't even been on a date. But also I had a real low self image, why would any girl want to go out with a guy who couldn't even defend himself? Also, my penis was going nuts at that point in my life, every time I got with in speaking distance of a girl who I thought I would like, I got a erection, and I didn't even have a thought of sex in my head, I just wanted to say hi. I don't want any girl to think that I wanted sex, before I even know her name, let alone her personality. But it seems that my sex drive would be just fine with it. Which is why I call it Ug the caveman, it doesn't seem to care what girls think. A lot of times I don't like my sex drive, it does not seem to fit my personality at all. I was brought up that boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, gets married and has kids. My sex drive just doesn't want to work that way. It would be happy, if I saw girl and had sex, saw another girl and had sex, etc. But that's just not my personality, so I am not very happy with my sex drive, and don't trust it very far with girls.

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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