Hi All.

It's been a while since I've visited the site, (due to lack of time), though now I've completed my training as a counsellor hope to visit more often.

I was repeatedly sexually abused/raped as a seventeen and nineteen year old by a male nurse who was supposed to be caring for me. All in all I was in his care for six months and the abuse lasted through-out.

Bringing you forward to my current situation, I have a beautiful girlfriend and am very happy. The only problem, I've been unable to reach orgasm when inside her, (initially I was unable to reach orgasm full stop)! Is this something that occurs with survivors of abuse? I'm aware that, in the past, I have felt I needed to be in control (in order to stay safe), at all times and have been unable to 'let go' even when making love.

Any help, or advice as to whether this is a familiar occurrance and how it can be remedeid would be greatly recieved.

Thanks

Mark S

Man, that is a bummer. I mean, here you are with the girl that you love and you can't consumate the relationship as you'd like to.

I'm assuming that there is nothing wrong with your plumbing...that's the way one of my doctors put it. At first, I didn't know what he was talking about.

But seriously, a visit to a urologist should tell you if there are any problems, physically.

I'm assuming that you've been all over the abuse incidents with a therapist in preparation for being a counselor yourself.

I would think that you've got it understood...that having sex is an inhibiting experience for you. That ejaculating is somehow not a positive for you.

I certainly haven't said anything that you don't already know. I guess in my stumbling and fumbling, I'm trying to let you know that I'm sympathetic. With my high blood pressure meds, I can certainly identify with inhibited, or encumbered sex.

Hopefully, Ken or Murray or one of the other experts will check this out. I will let them know of your concern. In the meantime, I would limit alcohol and other inhibitors, and be rested, when attempting to have sex.

And, here again, you're not alone. What we've endured, it's a wonder that we can have sex ever again. I know you will, so hang on for the guys who may have an answer for you.

Sympathetically,

David

David has certainly laid out a number of suggestions I would have made. At least I get paid for it in a professional situation but I can't do that here for you since we can't do therapy online.

This sounds like something that should be discussed with your therapist. It sounds like there is nothing wrong with your girlfriend. There may be issues between the two of you (or on your side of the relationship such as feeling controlled in other areas that may be affecting your ability to "let go".) In any event, it should be discussed with your therapist and if you are on certain medications, they may be affecting your level of desire or ability to orgasm.

Sorry if I can't be more helpful or specific but we have limits on what we can do online.
Ken

HiKen and David

Thanks for your responses.

Yes, I am working on the issues of control and trust. I suppose I wanted some kind of affirmation that I'm not on my own with this.

To complicate matters more, I have a neurological condition which may also have an impact on my ability to reach orgasm.

Thank you both for your time.

Regards

mark s

Hi Mark, While I was raped only once, When I first started having sex, I did have problems with having orgasm. I think I was afraid that I would do something wrong, and hurt the woman I was with down there. The first time I had a orgasm was with a woman who let me know that I was moving to slowly and that it would be ok if I moved faster.

Thanks for your reply Lostcowboy. It's good to hear you managed to work through your problem.

Mark

Hi.

Just want to tell you, I managed to reach orgasm inside my girlfrind last night. We were both over the moon!!!!

Thanks to David, Ken and Lostcowboy for your support.

Warm regards

Mark S

Hi mark, cool! I just started a book called male sexuality by bernie Zilbergeld, PH.D. it has some chapters on erection problems with lessons. It is likely that some of the lessons would be beneficial to you also.