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#132011 - 07/09/05 09:24 AM Supporting an SO in thier quest
medicb4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/07/05
Posts: 71
Loc: Sweden
My wife is a newly discovered CSA survivor.

She has never had orgasm with a man (she has never been able to be "in body" when having sex). Obviously one of the questions is if she is Bisexual or Lesbian.

I have told here that if she needs to test these waters for herself I am willing to support her (not as a permanent thing - I don't think), but so that she doesn't cheat / break up our marriage only to find out she is not interested after all.

She was very "thankful" but wondered how I would deal with it and why I was allowing my own integrity to be attacked.

I can admit that I am not 100% sure of course how I will deal with it...especially if she gets an orgasm after 10 seconds (My ego isn't THAT strong), but I don't see how my integrity can be at risk?

If she does feel a need but can't explore it then it is her ingegrity and our relationship that will suffer.

I try to remember the maxim "If you love someone set them free. If they return they are yours, if they don't it was never meant to be."

_________________________
Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow". -Anonymous

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#132012 - 07/11/05 03:58 AM Re: Supporting an SO in thier quest
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi Medicb4, While it could mean that she is gay or Bi, it could also be one of many other things. I think if she were bi or gay she would likely know by now, if she was attracted to ladies.

About the lack of orgasms, this is more likely due to thoughts in her head, or that you haven't found what gets her off yet. There are books out there that can help add to your knowledge of female sexuality, also there are books out there to help teach her how to have a orgasm and to teach you how to help her have one. I don't remember the names right now.

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#132013 - 07/11/05 04:06 AM Re: Supporting an SO in thier quest
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
I am also thinking that it would be good for you to either have a moderator move this message to the (Friends and family forum), or start a new post over there, that way you can get feed back from the ladies on here. Several of them have been CSA or SA survivors, so it would be good to have their input on this.

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#132014 - 07/11/05 09:07 PM Re: Supporting an SO in thier quest
medicb4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/07/05
Posts: 71
Loc: Sweden
I have nothing against this thread being moved or doubled in another group that passes in better.

_________________________
Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow". -Anonymous

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#132015 - 07/13/05 08:10 PM Re: Supporting an SO in thier quest
Dan88 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/02
Posts: 247
Loc: DC
Well, I'll chime in here after thinking a lot about this.

If the two of you commited to a monogamous relationship when you married, I can see how she would perceive this as an issue that bears directly on your integrity.

As a survivor I have a lot of trouble believing that I'm worthy of a commitment from someone. So I tend to let people manipulate me in a relationship because, I assume, that's what I have to do because I am not a worthy person.

I tend to bend and bend and bend some more, telling myself that I am being supportive and flexible when what I am really doing is re-enforcing my own sense that I am worthless and deserve to be treated poorly. I am creating the situation that I think I deserve.

That's how I can see this possibly bearing on you.

Take care,
Dan


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#132016 - 07/13/05 08:31 PM Re: Supporting an SO in thier quest
medicb4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/07/05
Posts: 71
Loc: Sweden
Point taken, but I think if you asked anyone if I bend and bend they would bend and bend...and laugh.

I admit that knowing my wife the chances of her taking advantage of this offer is slim, but if she wonders then it is better to know.

But she says she doesn't wonder - so the point is moot I guess.

_________________________
Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow". -Anonymous

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#132017 - 07/15/05 10:16 PM Re: Supporting an SO in thier quest
chuck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/03
Posts: 97
Loc: mid atlantic
Dan

Thanks for your remarks about bending all the time to accomodate the other person in the relationship. I find that I do that all the time and it is like I am a plastic doll that can be changed and don't really have any opinions about what is done to me in the relationship.

How do you break that cycle without becoming confrontational all the time. I know it is difficult for me to know what areas I should take a position rather than letting the other make the decisions about the relationship.

Chuck


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#132018 - 07/17/05 09:32 PM Re: Supporting an SO in thier quest
Dan88 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/02
Posts: 247
Loc: DC
Boy Chuck,

I wish I knew the answer to that. I can sit and list my own priorities and try to stand up for myself, and it works for a while. But then I find it really tough on the spur or the moment to defend my own wants and needs. As likely as not I fall back on old patterns and just bend over backwards. Or worse I pick some stupid point not to bend on and wind up feeling like jerk for drawing a line in the sand over some petty thing.

Like everything else, I'm working on it.

Take care,
Dan


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#132019 - 07/17/05 09:57 PM Re: Supporting an SO in thier quest
medicb4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/07/05
Posts: 71
Loc: Sweden
Quote:
Originally posted by Dan88:
Like everything else, I'm working on it.
Amen!

_________________________
Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow". -Anonymous

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