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#131978 - 06/30/05 07:25 AM When real friends are needed.
Manny Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/30/05
Posts: 5
Loc: New Jersey
My abuse experience was a very painful one, physically, mentally and emotionally.
I had blocked it for over 30 years. It was somewhere
Inside my head, apparently forgotten, but subconsciously ripping my personal life apart.
I always liked women, never even considered being
With another man.
All this "forgotten" issue came to the forefront
Of my life in a conversation with a very good
Friend. His wife was sexually abused as a child.
Suddenly all the pain, anger and defenselessness
Was alive and kicking. I cried. My friend comforted me, it was then that after 32 years this
Issue came out of me. All of a sudden someone else
Knew. Past a week I started feeling things I had never felt before towards my best friend, more than a friend my Brother.
I was so confused. Until I couldn't keep
It in anymore and told him about it.
He didn't push me aside, assured me there was
Nothing wrong with me. I was so embarrassed.
He hugged me and told me to get help, that he was
Always going to be there for me, but he couldn't
Correspond to me. I didn't want him to either.
He has helped me so much. Without prejudice,
Without judging me, or pulling away from me.
He was and still is there for me.
Thanks Chris, I love you my Brother

_________________________
"Of all the people you will ever know,
YOU are the only one you will never leave or lose"
Jo Courdet

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#131979 - 06/30/05 01:19 PM Re: When real friends are needed.
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5773
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Manny:
Were the feelings sexual? It's not uncommon for people, particularly survivors, to experience nurturance and intimacy for sexual feelings.

Might be a good thread here to talk about that kind of confusion many experience and feel guilty about.
Ken


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#131980 - 06/30/05 05:37 PM Re: When real friends are needed.
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
"All of a sudden someone else knew!"....

Manny - Our main saying is "You are not alone" and you got a big dose of that in what you said above. I know that feeling, Manny...that feeling when someone knows your secret and steps into your inner-circle (not inner most, mind you). The relief at breaking isolation!!! There is a sudden bond that goes beyond just friendship with "the first to know AND BELIEVE"..sometimes it is a social closeness but it may even rise as an intimacy (social, sexual. etc.) which is really, when boiled down, a desire to have a male-to-male bonding. Not every sexual feeling carries a physical or literal meaning. BTW - My parents met my reporting my sexual abuse by counsinS the same wayb yours did (beatings - cat-0-nine tails style!) but for me it went on for over 8 years!! I'm glad it finally came out!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#131981 - 07/01/05 06:15 AM Re: When real friends are needed.
Manny Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/30/05
Posts: 5
Loc: New Jersey
The feelings I thought I had for my best friend
were sexual in nature. I have never been with
another man, sexualy. This disturbed me.
Why all of a sudden these images in my head?

I am seeing a therapist that is helping me in all
this situation. He says, that the feeling of
abandonment from my dad, the lost of trust, fear.
All came crashing when confronted by another
man that was willing to listen and help.
My subconscience(which behaves like a wild
monkey sometimes) mixed all this up and made up
a story.
As the therapist said, My subconscience turned on
a blender, wanted to make Pina Colada, but added
peppers, tomatoes and potatoes. End result: MUSH.

What I really saw in my friend was the man I
wished my dad would've been. My emotional dad.

The important thing is that my friend, my brother,
Chris, never pushed me aside or rejected me, when
I told him about this. He helped me sort it out.
I know now, I really never felt any kind of sexual
attraction to him. It was my deepest desire of
having someone there for me, mixed with the fear
of being abandoned again, like my dad did when
I was 6 or 7.

_________________________
"Of all the people you will ever know,
YOU are the only one you will never leave or lose"
Jo Courdet

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#131982 - 07/02/05 04:45 AM Re: When real friends are needed.
PhillyPa Offline
Member

Registered: 12/20/04
Posts: 64
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
Manny, your post reenforces the fact that people care, even if they are men. I also learned something about myself, which was overwhelming.
These things are known - but have been clouded. Lack of comraderie, or nonsexual relations with our own gender, creates a void that is filled through alternative senses: sex, confused attraction.
Not knowing my father, being abused by an uncle, negative peer relationships caused this confusing sexual perspective. Yearning seeks fulfillment.
Because of yearning, and it's corresponding sexual consequence i've avoided men who've been caring and gentle. For whatever reason, I can't bring them there. Perhaps it's their warmth I fear will be compromised.
But, based on your post, I see some would tough out the storm of confusion because they truly do like you. Thats encouraging. thanks.

_________________________
Who is this doing the synthetic type of alpha beta psychedelic funkin?

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#131983 - 07/02/05 05:12 AM Re: When real friends are needed.
Manny Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/30/05
Posts: 5
Loc: New Jersey
PhillyPA,
I debated so long and hard to tell him or not.
He was the one who brought it out by making me
talk to him. I knew I could trust him when I
first told him about the sexual abuse, and he saw
me crying. I lifted my eyes just to see him
crying also. He has a 10 y\o son and he said that
if anyone ever did something like that to his
son he wouldn't know what to do, but definitely
not beat him and call him a liar, like my dad
did to me.
He says that for some strange coincidence his
destiny has become to be a rock for people who
have had the horrible experiences I had.
He has 6 brothers and sisters all of which, with
the exception ofhim and his little sister, were
abused by an uncle. His wife was raped when she was
seven, two high school buddies and a coworker,
friend of his, were also molested.
He has seen all this before. He helps me control
the deep anger my inner child has in me, and
every time, I see him suffer with it. Yet he is
still there, listening and sobbing in silence.
I really wish all of us who have gone through this,

had a friend like Christopher.

_________________________
"Of all the people you will ever know,
YOU are the only one you will never leave or lose"
Jo Courdet

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