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#131960 - 06/19/05 03:08 AM torn
MusicRx Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/05
Posts: 8
Loc: New Orleans
I've never posted before but I guess I'll try. I have something that bothers me alot. I can't be with girls. Maybe I was 'conditioned' to feel that way. But I don't want to be with guys. I was brought up strict Baptist and was taught that I am an abomination. I don't want to be ugly in the sight of others so I am by myself. It's confusing I know, but I don't think there's an answer for me.


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#131961 - 06/19/05 03:35 AM Re: torn
healing_inside Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/05
Posts: 2005
MusicRX,

Welcome to MaleSruvivor.

Welcome to the club, I like some others here can't be with either, me included. The childhood sexual we suffered screwed up our normal sexual development we should have had and that is y we are so confused. I had my first sexual experience at 5 yrs old.

Straight, Gay or Bi I don't have the answer 4 myself, but I learn a lot from the other guys here about what they are going trough and it sort of takes the confusion sting away.

As 4 your religious background in the situation I have to say that u need to do some soul searching 4 yourslef, find what is right 4 u. U didn't ask to be like this and it wasn't your fault and no one elase could tell u u are an abomination which u aren't. U are a hurting guy and need some help and I am glad u found us here.

HEaling_Inside

_________________________
I can't come to the phone right now, I am out living my life

*** WoR Retreat Alumni - Alta 2005 ***

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#131962 - 06/19/05 03:45 AM Re: torn
MusicRx Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/05
Posts: 8
Loc: New Orleans
Thank you. It sounds simple, but it isnt. When I told my family most of them rejected me, told me to leave town & never come back, asked me if I was sure I wasn't "messed up in the head", and 'nothing like this has ever happened in our family, and on and on. Most of my family doesnt even talk to me anymore and whats worse is that my mom is still married to him. I was taught that Family was everything but I know now that's a lie.


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#131963 - 06/19/05 04:00 AM Re: torn
healing_inside Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/05
Posts: 2005
MusicRX,

I wish everything related to CSA was simple and I wish could control what others thought about us, but we can't, we can only be true to ourselves because we know the truth.

U know what happened to U, U got messed up in the head 4 what has happened to U and so did I.

What about the others in the family that didn't react negitivily toward to u can they be a support to U during this time?

_________________________
I can't come to the phone right now, I am out living my life

*** WoR Retreat Alumni - Alta 2005 ***

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#131964 - 06/19/05 04:05 AM Re: torn
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
MusicRx - Welcome to the site!!I'm sorry you need a place such as this BUT since you were abused, this is a good place to find support, questions and answers and how to make our way through the chaos left to us by our perps. Some of us have side issues as well. You may want to look through the past postings/themes over the last year (gay topics have been discussed). There is a box on the right side above the main forum page, that's where you can explore!! Many of us survivors wrestle(d) with our gender identities because of our sexual abuse as kids. Our families, like most of society, are very uncomfortable talking about sex let alone abuse (even though 1 out of 6 boys is abused before the age of 16). The church is even more at odds with each other on the gay issues. My 'bottom line' with the church is to realize that Jesus spent his entire ministry calling back into the church those whom the church "religiously" threw out. I invite you to interact here. Ask whatever questions you feel comfortable posting here in the public forum (remember its public so everybody can read your post). The members forum is read by members only. This can be a really great community to work through your abuse issues.

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#131965 - 06/19/05 04:20 AM Re: torn
MusicRx Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/05
Posts: 8
Loc: New Orleans
Thanks HOward. And Healing, about your question, it's really complicated. I'll try to tell u a little bit. Like I said, my mom stayed with her husband. I have a brother & sister (the perp is their dad), and we talk sometimes. But it's so disgusting because they live in a pretend world like nothing ever happened...like a Brady episode. It isn't spoken of..it's like nothing happened. I had him arrested when I finally told (my therapist helped me because my brother & sister were younger so i thought i had to tell to protect them), but it was just me. And after my mom told me that "it is the Will of God that she stay with him and Lead him to Salvation", I couldn't do it by myself...it was just the Assist. D.A. and me, and I was just a freshman in college. It's a very bizarre situation and for some reason Honestly, I think I am the only one bothered. It seems truthfully like it's just Me that has the problem. So no, to answer you Healing, it's just me.


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#131966 - 06/19/05 04:33 AM Re: torn
healing_inside Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/05
Posts: 2005
MusicRX,

There are a lot of just me's on this web site, U might not be believed where u are, but there are a lot guys with similar situations and or stories in their lives and u are believed here at Male Survivor. Take a poke around ask ? like Howard said. U will find that u are not alone here. 4 a lot of us here, here is all we got in terms of support so contiune to join in as u are able.

\:\) \:\)

_________________________
I can't come to the phone right now, I am out living my life

*** WoR Retreat Alumni - Alta 2005 ***

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#131967 - 06/19/05 04:45 AM Re: torn
MusicRx Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/05
Posts: 8
Loc: New Orleans
Thanks. That gives me hope. Sometimes, like today, I wish I were someone else.


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#131968 - 06/19/05 06:24 AM Re: torn
healing_inside Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/05
Posts: 2005
MusicRX,

I know the feeling about wishing u were someone else, I wish that almost everyday, but I wake up and I still am me and I deal with things the best way I can and so do u.

Sometimes things look a little brighter in the morning, so I am going to sleep, so good night and have a good sleep.

_________________________
I can't come to the phone right now, I am out living my life

*** WoR Retreat Alumni - Alta 2005 ***

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#131969 - 06/21/05 04:26 PM Re: torn
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
I'm so glad you found this site. There's a huge difference between being damaged spiritually and being damaged emotionally. You are no abomination. What was done to you was an abomination.

I come from a Brady family, too. My parents still like to pretend that they're perfect. And, like you, I've lost my entire family. I have no one. So I've adopted a new "chosen family". There are a couple of families that are around my parents' age that have "adopted" me and my wife as their kids. We've told them about my parents, and it's so refreshing to see their lips curl to hear what my parents are really like. They have us over for dinner and treat us as if we were their own. That's what we need. Support from outside. There's no going to be any good fruit coming from my parents' poisonous family tree. I've got to find my support elsewhere, like at this site.

And as to religion, I say change. My grandparents were Presbyterian when my uncle was SA me, and my parents were Methodist when my dad was beating me black and blue. I'm one of Jehovah's Witnesses. It may not be popular, but I'm not going to belong to a church that makes me the problem. And, unlike my family, I refuse to be a hypocrite.

SA messes with our views of sex. I had the same feelings you do. I didn't want to be with guys, but I had a terrible time being with my wife. My therapist said that would improve as I had good experiences to replace the horrible experiences of SA. It has helped. The closer I stay to my wife, the less I feel like I'm tainted in some way. And going back to the abuse, keeping the blame where it belongs, remembering that I am not what was done to me, it helps me see that I'm not a bad person. The people who did this to us were the bad people. We were just kids.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. We're with you. Say it out loud, "I am not a bad person." The rest of us know you aren't. Keep writing as you can. It really helps.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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