Just to stress what SD has said, what happened to you last night is entirely normal. You may find it embarrassing, but that is normal as well Ė this is something new that is happening to you and many boys react as you have. But there is nothing dirty or gross about it, and if you ask Ryan I am sure he will tell you that this happened to him too when he was your age. You donít need to hide this from your big sister; she will understand.
When I entered puberty and these things began to happen to me, I wondered all the time does this have something to do with what my abuser made me do? Does this mean being abused is making me sexually sick? This is not true at all! Wet dreams, getting hair in your groin and under your arms, and changes in your voice are all entirely normal. It just means you are growing up. It has nothing to do with what happened to you when you were abused.
These changes are making you wonder if your abuse was all your fault: could you have stopped it and said no, should you have known how it would turn out? In fact, Nyjah, what happened to you was that someone older and larger tricked you and betrayed you and used you. It was not your job to know what would happen or to stop it once it started. It was his job to leave you alone. It is natural to wonder about this, but do believe this one: it wasn't your fault.
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me. (Woody Guthrie)