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#131906 - 04/28/05 08:31 PM Head Trip
OffCenter Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/28/05
Posts: 2
Ok, Iíve been dealing with my SA for a little while now. Iíve read posts by others that have similar issues, and they have helped me. Iíve done quite a bit of reading on the subject, and Iím starting to make sense of some of my feelings, depression, anger, etc. Itís been tough. Iím 33, and I was 7 or 8 when it happened, multiple times by an older (between 7 to 10 years older) black boy (this will be relevant later), in a community that wasnít very tolerant. This boy was abusing several children in the community at the time, including girls. In fact, while I have only vague memories, I recall this boy instructing, or more accurately, forcing me to perform sexual acts on a white girl from the neighborhood. I believe it was more than once as well, but my memories are hazy.

I never completely forgot about the abuse growing up, but I was able to ignore it. Or so I thought. I feel that Iím heterosexual, but did experiment with other boys a few years later when I was 10 Ė 11. It was shortly after that I had my first experience with a female. From that point on, I had only hereto experiences throughout my teens and 20s until a brief encounter that I ran out on, with a coworker who had been hitting on me constantly for a year. I was pretty promiscuous in my teens and early 20s, and have had a lot of difficulties in relationships. I really have a lot of issues with trust, anger, depression, self image, and a long list of new crap since it all decided to resurface last year.

It all started right after my GF of 4 years decided to break up with me. She had only told me that she was confused, and needed to be alone for awhile, but would tell me that it might not be forever, and that we may get back together at some point. I lost it. Long story/shortÖ.I learned from mutual friends that she had been unfaithful once when we began our relationship, and once during the last year, and was experimenting (making out) with some of her girlfriends, which I knew about one incident, but forgave her for and asked that she be faithful from then on. Then (after the break-up) I found out she was actually dating another guy, and I really went into depression. It was during this 3 month span that I started remembering the abuses vividly. I was a whirlwind of emotions, and barely slept that entire time. I lost 30 pounds within mere weeks. I was drinking heavily, which I never do. It was ugly. At some point though, I began opening up to a few people. I wouldnít discuss the SA, but I was able to start recognizing some of my behaviors, and how they affect me and others close to me. I started to feel better, and began the process of moving on. Shortly there after, my GF and I began seeing each other again. Itís been difficult, and Iím having more trust issues than ever, but I talk to her about my feelings openly now, and we are making progress.

Hereís where Iím really having trouble though Ė after we got back together, my fantasies are out of control. I always had an active imagination, and they have always been a little more risquť. I was involved in a threesome with a hereto couple a few times in my late teens, and have had fantasies of having multiple partners often since then. They have always been hereto (at least as far as the men, if there were any) and werenít as frequent. Now, I have many involving my own bisexuality, with mostly black men, and I often fantasize of sharing my GF with other men or women. I get highly aroused by these thoughts, but sometimes feel disgusted with myself afterwards. Iíve discussed this with her, and she seems to accept it more than I do. Iíve even considered experimenting with some of these, but it scares me immensely. I tried to block out the fantasies, and even tried abstaining from masturbation for awhile, but I feel like I need the release. I donít see my GF very often because she is now away at Univ. completing her degree, and Iím lost as far as how to deal with this. I know someone will suggest therapy, but itís just not an option for me. I donít have the resources presently, and I had 2 separate experiences with therapists that compel me to avoid them. I think just discussing this will help me anyway.

Thanks,
OffCenter


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#131907 - 04/29/05 07:10 PM Re: Head Trip
bkeithb Offline
Member

Registered: 03/23/05
Posts: 63
Loc: Milwaukee
OffCenter,

I hear you, man. I can relate. I don't have lots of answers as I'm just getting on this journey. But since I've begun to try and sort out my feelings about SA, the same-sex fantasies have increased and they are confusing to deal with.

With the advice of many, I've come to feel that the feelings and fantasies are OK to have. But to act on them (for me, for a variety of reasons) is unthinkable. It would be wrong for me to do so. This includes viewing porn for me as well.

So, what I'm saying is don't beat yourself up for having the feelings/fantasies. But if you are uncomfortable acting on them (as am I) then ... DON'T. Leave it in the world of fantasy and keep trying to have a good relationship with your GF. Work on what is positive.

_________________________
bkeithb

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#131908 - 05/01/05 07:37 PM Re: Head Trip
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Offcenter - Fall out from sexual abuse is like that...cycles, ebb and flow. Several people I know have a similar history and I find they identify very strongly with their black perps. These victims have always wanted to be 'black' - dress, talk, hair styles, etc. as long as they can remember [usually from the time of the abuse]. Often I find when they reach the point of exploring that abuse, their perps and their own identities, their fantasies and feelings change. If you have a T., you might want to explore the ethnic issues of your abuse and power issues!!

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#131909 - 05/04/05 02:39 PM Re: Head Trip
OffCenter Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/28/05
Posts: 2
Thank you both for your kind words and support. I've been keeping extremely busy this last week, which does also seem to help. I get to the point where I just fall to the pillow at the end of the day, and I'm out.

bkeithb: I understand. You wouldn't want to hurt your wife. I wouldn't act out either....it's just not my personality. I do have issues, but dishonesty isn't one of them. As far as the fantasies...they do "ebb and flow" as ScottyTodd points out. Keeping busy has curbed my thoughts a little, but I have the feeling they will return. I'm not freaking out as much as when they began. As I said, I never had these thoughts ever before last year. It really confused and angered me at the onset though.

ScottyTodd: I have been to 2 seperate T's. It was horrible. I really have a difficult time with the doctor/patient relationship to be honest. I'd rather feel that the person(s) I'm talking to are right on my level, which was why after reading the boards here for quite awhile, I finally decided to post. As far as identifying with my perp....I don't, at least in the way you're describing. I mean, I don't want to be black or act that way....it only surfaces as sex. I imagine that I'll have to deal with these issues at some point, but just having these thoughts must mean I am dealing with them on some level. I guess I just want to be able to have a normal M/F 1 on 1 fantasy again, and it be enough to satisfy. Make sense?

Thansk again Guys!

OffCenter


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