I had a pretty in depth session with my T tonight, and I am not sure where it has left me. We talked about my sexual orientation, or lack thereof for that matter. I am just so confused as to what I want, or what i need, or who i am, and I know we all struggle with those things in one way or another. I have been in a good relationship with my girlfriend for 3.5 years now, and things are good for the the most part, but there is still the curious side of me. I still ahve an attraction for men, and a compulsion to watch gay porn. I have acted out sexually with men years ago when I was a teen, and I have not done so for about 5-6 years, so i have ben faithful to my girlfriend. but there is still a side of me that wants to explore. My T suggested that maybe i should try to explore it some more, an maybe go out to a gay bar to socialize. I am afraid that would lead to a compulsive action, and i would end up in a random bed... I dont know if that would happen or not, but i'm afraid of it. Plus, i know my girlfriend would not be cool with me hangin out in a gay bar, she'd be threatened by that, and it would cause some serious issues between us. shes already afraid I might trip on a gay rock, and it'll change my life forever! I am still young, and I'm not engaged yet or anything, so is it wrong of me to kind of want to explore more before i do commit? But then i think about it, and I dont think i'd feel comfortable in the "gay Scene" and I dont know if I would be comfortable in a gay relationship. I've never had one, so I dont know. I have only had casual physical encounters before, that i believe were just acting out sexually because of my abuse. I dont really knoww hat to do, and the more I think about it, the more confused I get... He didnt force his opinion on me or anything, but i know that my T is a gay male, who was married to a woman before, and has had kids, but since divorced and now has a male partner. I dont want to go down that path, because I dont want to hurt my "future wife" or any kids I might have (which I would love to have kids one day). I couldnt do that to them, so I feel so much pressure to choose the right path, but I dont know what feels right!! UGH!!

OK, sorry for the rant, but I had to vent, and event hough I have, the confusion remains... thanks for readin...

peace,
cpt.

It would only be fair if you do explore your gay side. My thinking is this, What if you marry this girlm then realize you are gay and want to be with a man. SHe would be hurt, you would be hurt, major damage would be done. If she is scared you will become gay, then maybe that is her insecurities talking. I am not suggesting you dump your girlfriend, but you need to make sure you know what you want before making any long term commitments. Now, this is just my opinion. If you disagree, that is okay. I do not know every detail of your life, so I just went on what you gave me. I hope you can find your solutions!

Casey

Is your relationship "open"? Would it be ok for her to be sexual with others?

What worked for your T won't necessarily work for you. Attraction or interest in penises is not about what you get in a relationship with another person. Are you dissatisfied with the quality of the relationship with her? Are you looking for sex or something else?

Attraction and arousal sometimes gets confused for the underlying needs you (and all of us) have. Exploring what you are looking for might be more productive and safe than going out, having a good time and feeling lousy about yourself, particularly if it is about compulsive behavior.

If your t can't be really objective, maybe you need to find someone who is.

Ken

PS: If you have experimented with men in the past, what would be different this time around?

Dear Captain Confused,

I read your post with interest. If you read mine ("Exploring my bi-side") you will understand that I am in a similar boat as you.

Except, of course, I am married and am committed to my very wonderful wife of 17 years. Therefore, exploring the bi side is not really an option for me.

But I just wanted to say that I feel for you and share the background (experimentation with guys during teen and early adult years). It does get confusing. I have no answers, but can only encourage you to be open with yourself about your feelings. Stuffing them is no good! It's great to have a place like this to "rant" a little and listen to others who have similar struggles.

Capt Confusion,

I think this an area many are confused who have suffered from csa. I know for myself I have wondered for years and have searched. Every person is different just like Ken said. Do you have any friends who are gay that you could talk with without having sex with them? There is also the gay hotline which has counselors that you can speak with, who might be able to direct you to organizaions in your area.

I think this is such a major for many that you need to take your time and share with your girlfirend so she knows the suffering you are dealing with. She must sense something or she would not have said to trip over the gay rock. It is good we have a place like this where we can voice our concerns about ourselves and life's decisions.

Chuck

If everyone who ever had gay thoughts was actually gay, the human race would be extinct. Our sexuality is a mindless force that leads us by our gonads thru mine fields of potentialities. It is not what you think or feel that makes the difference. It is what you do that counts. Don’t do anything that you don’t feel good about and you will be alright.

Allow your thoughts their freedom. You don’t have to act on them. You can, but you don’t have to. What you cannot do, and become healthy, is feel guilt for the thoughts that you have. Much of your future depends on self-acceptance. That means you will have to take the gay with the straight. Deal with it as you will, but it is part of you and you must accept that fact.

Aden

Cpt Confusion,

I have a good idea of what you’re feeling cause I have the same sort of problem, although, I have never really been all that interested in woman, mainly I think due to the confusion manifested in me by my SA. But on the latter side… While the male form turns me on, I don’t like the physical side also due to the SA.

Bit of a sticky situation. But I must say, in my opinion, I think if you’re confused you better explore all the options.

My own situation is the converse, I need to start dating some women (and hopefully have some heterosexual experiences along the way), in order to be fair to myself and come to a final decision.

I don't want to continue feeling the way I am about my sexual identity for the rest of my life. It's just too draining!

hey guys,

Thanks for the posts and suggestions and support, it is much appreciated. I guess one of the biggest things I am afraid of is actually committing to my g/f and then realizing later that it was a huge mistake. Due to that, maybe I should explore a bit, but I know it will not be well received by my girlfriend because she is insecure, and I know it will take away from what we have now. We do not have an open relationship, and I dont think I would be comfortable with her exploring as much as she wouldn't be with me exploring... I am satisfied with our relationship, and I dont feel like I am missing out on something, or searching for something more, the only thing that is getting to me is the physical attractions/desires i feel for a man. I dont feel a draw to the emotional side of a relationship with a man, it kinda feels like a raw urge towards the physical aspects and just basically sex with a man. i am drawn to the penis i guess to put it bluntly...

Ken, the comment about the compulsive behavior is very accurate, becasue I think that is really what this might be all about, although I'm not positive. What I've done in the past was purely compulsive behavior, and I think it is beginning to surface again, but I dont know how to deal with it constructively. I just have an underlying desire to go act out again, but I know that it will make me feel like complete shit, and I will be left with a gnawing guilt that will drive me crazy, so thats keeping me from actually doing it, plus I know it is not safe.

As far as my T, I think he is trying to be objective, and he didnt make a direct comparison from his life to mine, he has been very good about making everything completely about me, and not making ties to his experiences, and I am greatful for that. I have not been seeing him for very long, and I feel that things are just beginning to really go somewhere in the sessions, so I am not quite ready to jump from him yet.

Chuck, I think that might be a good idea to talk to other gay men about different things, but I have to be careful who I talk to because most of the ones I know are mutual friends between my g/f and I... maybe the hotline would be a good bet, and I will consider that, thanks.

Great advice, and I think ultimately this is what needs work. I need to allow myself to think freely and not lambast myself for thinking some of the thoughts that come into my head, rather i need to begin to rationalize them, and try to understand them more. I dont think this is a question anymore about gay or straight, I think I need to jsut learn to be comfortable with who I am, and allow myself to explore the questions of whether or not I am happy with who I am with, and if it feels right.

Either way, thank you guys for exploring this a bit with me, you have been helpful. This is not an easy topic to deal with, and it will not be as easily said to be comfortable with who I am than to actually do. great! another work in progress!!

Take care,
cpt.