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#131890 - 04/13/05 05:02 PM Exploring my "bi-side"
bkeithb Offline
Member

Registered: 03/23/05
Posts: 63
Loc: Milwaukee
I've just begun wrestling with my SA (which I stuffed for 25+ years) for the last several weeks.

Many emotions have surfaced - shame, guilt, anger, sadness, etc. I know many if not most can relate to those feelings.

However, something else has surfaced - my "bi-side."

I am 39 and happily married. I have no intention of acting on my same-sex fantasies at all (because I want to be faithful to my wife). But since I've started wrestling with all that happened in my childhood/teen years, the same-sex fantasies have increased. Why? I do not know.

How do I deal with these feelings? Again, I do not want to act upon them. I don't feel the need or see the purpose of sharing them with my wife. But I've also seen the harm "stuffing" feelings can bring. The more you stuff them, the more likely, it seems to me, that one acts on them in unhealthy ways.

Can anyone with similar feelings/experiences offer some helpful advice?

_________________________
bkeithb

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#131891 - 04/13/05 05:35 PM Re: Exploring my "bi-side"
Aden Offline
Member

Registered: 07/05/04
Posts: 499
Sometimes, with feelings like these, when you have no intention to act on them, it is perfectly alright to let them wash over you, dwell on them if you like, enjoy them and then let them go. It is not that difficult a process. Refuse to feel guilt or to dwell on it if you do feel it. Observe your emotions without judgment as they come and go.

You don’t have to act on these strange feelings. But you do have to accept them as part of yourself. In the process of healing yourself, you should consider the part of the Hippocratic Oath to “do no harm.” Doctor, be gentle with your soul, and the souls of others. If you do no harm, you are free of the need guilt.

Look at it as part of the process, possibly an enjoyable part. Just try not to feel threatened. Your thoughts are normal and natural. They are kind of like unsweetened shredded wheat in skim milk for breakfast. Much too tame for further comment form me!

Aden


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#131892 - 04/14/05 12:35 AM Re: Exploring my "bi-side"
Brandon61 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/06/05
Posts: 28
You don't have to accept those feelings if you don't want them. Put them in perspective. Realize where they came from. We have the option to reject what we don't want, especially if it came from abuse.

One thing I regret is not standing up to my abuser. I can stand up now and set my boundries where I want them. I refuse to be held hostage by abuse.


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#131893 - 04/14/05 01:04 AM Re: Exploring my "bi-side"
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 431
Loc: UK
Hi bteithb

Maybe they are coming up more now that you are feeling the feelings about your abuse and the impulse to re-enact the abuse is a response to having these strong feelings. I think its fine not to share this with your wife.

I would agree with Aden that they are nothing to feel guilty about; feelings are neither right or wrong, you don’t want to or have to act them out.

Rustam


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#131894 - 04/14/05 03:19 PM Re: Exploring my "bi-side"
bkeithb Offline
Member

Registered: 03/23/05
Posts: 63
Loc: Milwaukee
Thanks all for comments.

I agree that I shouldn't feel guilt over the feelings and same-sex fantasies. I do not. I would if I acted upon them (because I would be hurting my wife, kids, etc.). But I do not plan on doing that at all.

I'm just trying to come to grips with the connections between my SA (and recent forays into dealing with this in my past) and the increase in same-sex fantasies. Why is this? It seems counter-intuitive. I should be repulsed by these memories. Instead, I feel aroused.

I should say that in between the SA when 7 or 8 and the SA by teacher when 16, I did experiment with guys sexually. And, when a young adult (in USAF) I also had sexual encounters with several guys. I was very shy with women, but once I got past that, I was exclusively heterosexual. And once I met my wife, have never engaged in same-sex stuff (and very little fantasies). But now, it seems to be coming back full-force. It just seems strange. I'm handling it ok. But seeking understanding and, if possible, ways to sort of put it all back in the box (ha).

_________________________
bkeithb

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#131895 - 05/01/05 07:47 PM Re: Exploring my "bi-side"
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Keithb - It would seem quite natural when you release those old feelings surrounding the abuse, you may find them wrapped around the physical memories of your experimentation. When you open the container in which the feelings were stored, everything in that container will more than likely come out too. As the guys said, you can accept the feelings for what they truly are and have a choice of what to do with them in your life. These feelings may mean something other than that on face value. Sometimes they are a call for male companionship, buddies, intimacy (non-sexual), etc. If you have a T. who has good, empathetic gender treatment experience, I encourage you to approach this subject with them.

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#131896 - 05/04/05 06:00 AM Re: Exploring my "bi-side"
sophiesdad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida


_________________________
There are no unresolved issues - they just didn't resolve themselves the way we would have liked. "Grinder and Bandler - Neuro-Linguistic Programming"

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#131897 - 05/23/05 04:18 AM Re: Exploring my "bi-side"
Willy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/07/05
Posts: 7
Loc: Illinois
Hey guys, from reading everyone’s responses to this posting, it seems that everyone is thinking about the same internal process that a person has no control over. The way it was explained to me was this:

During SA, your "Conscious Mind" attempts to hide, store, get rid of, suppress...the memories of the SA experience. This is your body's defense mechanism that is trying to protect you from harm.

The SA memories and experiences are then stored or suppressed in your "Unconscious Mind" where you are not aware of them. However, the body needs to process that information in one way or another; it cannot just have the information stored without doing something with it.

Therefore, later on in life, the body will begin to experience dreams, nightmares or other things, in efforts to process the SA memories stored in the "Unconscious Mind". There are internal "Drives" within the "Unconscious Mind" that are pushing the SA memories outward. You do not have any control of these internal “drives”.

During this time, you may experience dreams that could become erotic and may actually turn you on. The dreams could be of fantasies or anything that may or may not be directly related to the SA memories you have stored in your "Unconscious Mind".

Now...your "Conscious Mind" is questioning the dreams because you cannot figure out how SA memories can be erotic and can turn you on. When this happens, you just need to know that your mind is doing what is naturally supposed to be doing in order to process the SA memories you have stored inside. This does not mean that you want to be abused once again, or that you enjoyed the abuse in any way.

I hope this is helpful; I tried to explain this as best I can, but I think it gives you a pretty good idea.

Willy


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