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#131882 - 04/06/05 01:05 PM disconnect between sexuality and who's attracted to me
brennus Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/03/05
Posts: 6
Loc: Milwaukee
Have any of you ever noticed a disconnect between who you are interested in, and who is attracted to you? For example, I'm attracted to women, but most of the people who would date me are other men. I am straight (or at the most bi with a strong preference for women), and went through a phase where I wondered I might be gay until last year. However, when I go up to a straight or bi woman, unless she sees me as a potential boyfriend, she does not usually deal with me on any level, but gay and bi men are willing to be friends and even hit on me. Sometimes, I believe that I should start dating men who partner with men not because I'm as attracted to them as women sexually, but because they are a lot more comfortable with me than women who partner with men. Any thoughts?


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#131883 - 04/06/05 09:37 PM Re: disconnect between sexuality and who's attracted to me
self_righting Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/05
Posts: 69
Loc: Tampa, FL
brennus,

In my own expereince, I had a lot of difficulty relating to women because of my relationship with my mother. I've posted some info about that in this forum section. I also would add that I did not follow the normal path of adolescent developmement. I had a hard time relating to members of the opposite sex. I could never speak to a girl that I found attractive. I spent one entire school year sitting next to a girl I adored without saying a word about how I felt. I think I was ashamed of my past and about the same-sex fantasies I often had. I could never sort out when a girl found me attractive either (assuming there were any - heh heh)While I was often attracted to them I was unable to express my feelings - much more than the typical awkward adolescent. I didn't relate all that well to males either (now that I think about it). As a young adult, I found it easier to associate with males. Some of those friendships became sexualized. I found it very difficult to coomunicate with women in an intimate manner so consequently I became involved with male friends. It was always easier to relate to my male friends. However the sex always left me unsatisified due to the lack of an emotional connection. Those same sex experiences always left me feeling worse becuase of the guilt and shame I would feel afterward. I am much more accepting of those feelings now but I won't act on them. Part of the legacy of SA may mean that I will never be able to separate the cause and effect of the abuse from my own sexuality. However, the homosexual fantasies and expereinces are a part of me so I have to accept it. I haven't figured out how to resolve this conflict or whether to give-up and label myself as bisexual. I guess it doesn't matter as I have made the choice to practice heterosexuality. Yes, I still have a lot of work to do on this issue. Thankfully, I have a good T. Sorry to be so long-winded but it is an interesting topic.


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#131884 - 04/07/05 12:57 AM Re: disconnect between sexuality and who's attracted to me
Glen Offline
Member

Registered: 12/14/04
Posts: 71
Loc: Wisconsin
I can never tell when anyone is interested in me. Well you can always tell when a man is but thats not what I want. But seriously I have no clue.

_________________________
Please tell me why..

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#131885 - 04/07/05 01:52 AM Re: disconnect between sexuality and who's attracted to me
brennus Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/03/05
Posts: 6
Loc: Milwaukee
I've gotten the sense once I got out of college that women who partner with men are not going to deal with me unless I'm a potential partner, but I can be "just friends" with other men, and lesbian women. I've been told flatly, "you should try men!" by straight single women more than once while I was in college.
Sometimes, I assumed that a woman who's comfortable around me as a friend only dates women because for a long time, most female acquaintences of mine were gay women. Both straight and gay men were comfortable with me in college.
When it comes to gay and bi men, most of the people who have had crushes on me have been queer and male. Women who date men have only RARELY had crushes on or flirted with me, and those women I liked were invariably uninterested or to be more accurate, uncomfortable. Most of the people who flirt with me first are gay men. Some of these guys have presented themselves as a potential partner without me asking them!
By being mostly attracted to women, I have narrowed my options for relationships. There would be more choices for me than I currently have if my sexual preference were 100% gay. I have no doubt that it would be easier for me to date a man, and that gay men are more comfortable with me that way than straight women. But I am more comfortable seeking and getting involved with intimate relationships than women. Options i have explored include dating transsexual women and very feminine gay men so I could at least have access to femininity.
Despite wanting a family of women (my wife and hopefully daughters), I wonder if I'm cheating gay men who had a crush on my by telling them I'm attracted to women. Will I have to move to Boston or Toronto to tie the knot with someone who is as interested in me as I am in them? Though I have had girlfriends in the past, and see myself in an emotional and sexual relationship with a woman in the future, most (but not all) women I meet do not feel the same way about me. Am I taking something away from queer men by not dating them when they are interested in me?


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#131886 - 04/07/05 04:15 PM Re: disconnect between sexuality and who's attracted to me
chuck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/03
Posts: 97
Loc: mid atlantic
brennus

After reading your posts, I think you need to go where you want to be. It seems at this point you are looking for heterosexual relationship. You have probably heard that it takes time. Sometimes if you join a church or a community program you might meet females that could be attracted to you as well as you to them. The challenge for us with SA is get involved and end the isolation which keeps us from getting better. If you start to make some contacts that are just friendships they may know others who they could introduce you. I know this is tough, because I was isolated a long time. Partly out of fear of being abused as well as others would know my big secret, which would cause them to reject me. For me neither situation has occurred, because I am older, confident and comfortable with the knowledge of myself. I hope you have a T to talk about these feelings or find a T that is experienced with victims of SA that can help you. It is confusing for most of us, but you can get through this with the resources that this group provides to us.

Chuck


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#131887 - 04/08/05 03:37 PM Re: disconnect between sexuality and who's attracted to me
self_righting Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/05
Posts: 69
Loc: Tampa, FL
brennus,

I wanted to add a little more to my earlier post. I used to wonder why the women I found attractive didn't feel the same for me. I developed many theories - most of 'em are probably BS. I thought women only liked jerks, and guys who would treat them like sh*t. I thought attractive women only went for rich guys are or guys on Harleys.
My life history didn't set me up with a huge resevoir of confidence or machismo and I didn't have the money for a Harley. I was just me. And I didn't really like me. It is no wonder that I had a hard time. I couldn't see my own selfworth (still working on this issue). I didn't love me. It is not surprising that no princess came along and kissed this frog. I sure as hell didn't feel like a prince on the inside. SA is not great for one's confidence or sexual identity.
Personally, I had to expereince sex with both men and women (not at the same time) to find out who I really was and what I enjoyed. The body responds to stimulus but the mind is a bit more complex! I'm not saying that you have to do the same but that is what worked for me. In fact I probably wouldn't suggest anyone to follow my lead. Anyway, maybe I am trying to say that part of your troubles could be your self image. I don't know for certain and I don't want to make an ass of myself for assuming such a thing. It was just a thought.


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#131888 - 04/08/05 05:21 PM Re: disconnect between sexuality and who's attracted to me
ShyBear Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/08/05
Posts: 149
Loc: The American South
This one was tough to settle for myself, since many straight women find me very attractive, most straight men don't want to have anything to do with me (nor I, them) and it's fem/bottom gay men that seek me out, when what I want is a butch/top gay man.

To complicate things further, when I was just beginning to be sexually active in my early twenties, I met & fell in love with a woman and we had a good relationship (sex included), until I visited my hometown when my grandmother went into a nursing home and realized that I am indeed gay.

What finally set me straight (so to speak \:\) ) on the whole deal was answering the question "Who do I LOVE ?" - and the answer is men. Yes, I can (or at least did, once) respond sexually to a woman, and yes, I can re-create my SA with certain male partners, but when I simply forget about sex and really focus on who can make my soul sing, who I'd like to grow old with - it's a man.

By the way ...
Quote:
Am I taking something away from queer men by not dating them when they are interested in me?
My SA has left me with a compulsion to please other people, my own deepest desires be damned, and *especially* if they like me. What I suggest you do is ask yourself what Brennus wants.


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#131889 - 04/12/05 01:05 AM Re: disconnect between sexuality and who's attracted to me
eric Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/11/05
Posts: 2
Loc: Grass Valley
I think once you met that right person that melts your heart (male or female) you will come to the decision of who you are attracted to. If you say you are attracted to women then who cares what straight women are saying you should be with. You know in your heart and thats all that matters. When the time comes you will know when it's right. Thier is a saying. "We are all angels with only one wing only with another can we fly." I don't know who wrote it but as you can see thier is no gender. I hope that helped.
Eric


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