I was reading some of the posts in this section - I think they were by lostone and xenoman - and was journaling about some of my sexual identity issues when I had a pretty big relization.
During high school and early adulthood I had a difficult time relating to women. I didn't have sex (other than being sexually abused at 10/11 by a teen male) until I was 23. And that was very awkward at best. Yes, she had a history of SA too! I think we are drawn to each other. Anway I was sawing away for half an hour before I had to finish myself off. The next few times were better but I didn't have a deep emotional connection to her so the relationship never developed.
Anyway, as I was saying, it realized that it wasn't just the homosexual fantasies. It was also largely because I could trust no one - not just males but also females. Let me explain. First, males.
My abuser was a teen male. I learned pretty quick what guys wanted if they took an interest in you. Sure, a lot of that may have been in my head but that was what I learned. If a guy likes you it is because he wants you to suck him off - not because he wants a friend. It took awhile to get over that lesson (It is still in the back of my mind).
Now, females.
This is what I realized today. My parents divorced when I was two. My mom remarried, not once, not twice, but three times during the time of my abuse - more on that in a second. The first guy was fine. I was too young to understand but he wasn't in the picture long. The second guy was the one that really compounded the damage done to me during childhood. He was verbally, physically and emotionally abuse toward me. I was in the way. He was jealous of the love my mother gave me. The times were awful. Lots of screaming, being bullied, called names, derided and physically punished just because I was in the way and because I wasn't a good, strong little soldier. The man had the emotional intelligence of a turnip. Here is the kicker. My mom divorced him and just when I thought I was safe... She remarried the f*cker!!!!!!!!! That is right, back to the lion's den I went. By age 13 she divorced him a second time and dated. What did I learn from mother about women? Women can't be trusted to even protect their own children. Women can't be trusted, period. Women are emotional landmines. Women are bad news.
Well, the abuse and my mother pretty much did a number on my sexual development. I learned to suck c*ck and to not trust women - even if I found them attractive. (Ha, funny thing, my mother just called on the telephone while I was typing this). Well, that is it for now. Sorry I typed so much but I was enthusiastic about this realization. Take care, guys.

John

John,

first of all, SA, is bad enough. It causes a big mass of emotional upheaval, it is a minefield to get through all of the emotions, and the effect it has on your life.

To me, it was like an atom bomb waiting to explode, I did the cutting and causing myself pain, even burning, because pain to me, released some of the anger in myself.

Your mom, had no right to let her own children be abused by this vegetable scum, she should have protected you, but she did not. In this situation, I would be surprised if you did not feel like a prisoner to this subhuman.

If a man takes a woman on, who has kids, he has no right to assume how they should be, and nobody has the right to emotionally or physically abuse you.

If SA, is not bad enough, I too suffered emotional abuse, by my family members, because I became different, I was called freak of nature, and called it, or thingy etc., no wonder we end up thinking that we are pieces of shit, or not worthy of anything other than the crap flung at us in life.

You need to be aware of one fact only, and that is, you had the courage to get through it, and be here, yes, the scars are there, they are deep, but you can dig yourself out of it.

The other thing is, that we have to bottle all the emotions up for years, until we find a place to vent off, like this one, where others have been through similar emotions.

The silence we keep, really is the worst part of this legacy of abuse, thinking you are the only one who has faced it, or wondering whether you faced it any different from another, I think that we all faced the situation in a very similar manner.

At least that proved to me, that I really was not going mad!

I hope this is helpful,

take care,

ste

John - What a fantastic insight! Those are both openings for good, solid recovery. It's odd how we absorb "distortions" in our thinking as kids and then apply them for the rest of our lives. That is, until we recognize them and un-distort them! Keep moving on!!

Howard

You are not alone - my mom delivered me to my SA too.