I've had sex with a girl once. Just once. It was for the both of us, to prove to her that love like that didn't hurt and to prove to me that I wasn't weird.

It was nice...good.....whatever it was suppose to be that's what it was. After ward I just laid there with her next to me and I didn't know what to do. I felt dirty, I felt like I took advantage of her. She woke up and asked me what as wrong. I coudln't answer, a few tears answered for me. Right then I felt like a fool for crying infront of her. I tried to hide it but it was too late.

She asked me what was wrong again and I told her, I asked her if she really wanted to do all of that. She said she did and she didn't want to do it with anyone except me.

I'm so confused, I hate being touched and when I was with her it was different. We had both been through SA. But I don't think this is good for the long run, but I don't want to hurt her. I get called gay everyday at school because I don't have a GF or anything like that.

lostone - It gets confusing, no? I found that if I think ahead for the long run, I either stumble and fall in the short run OR I miss it all together! Enjoy one step at a time!!

Howard

To lostone, I know I am late, But still hope you will read this. I think that you felt bad/dirty because you had sex for the wrong reason.

"I hate being touched" this is very common, among SA survivors, and I don't think has anything to do with being gay or straight. Just because you don't have a GF does not mean you are gay.

Try not to base your real feelings on those you have used to "feel normal" by experimentation. You are what you are. Your abuse never changed that, just cheated you from knowing who you really knew you were. Gay or Straight you are good. Confusion comes from deceit of trust. I hope one day you begin to trust yourself. Be kind in your thoughts of yourself and create a path that's just yours. Take care of you.