I am a 30 yr old man; I am married and have a family. I am mortified that I am haunted by the desire to be used by another man. I know it's not a gay vs straight issue. I just don't understand how to be rid of it. I never have been with a man in my adult life. But as I try to deal with the abuse; I have the crazy desire to find a man to hurt me, make me numb again, to force me to be a sub-human again. I can logically argue with myself about the wrongness of it and the reality that it isn't what I really want; but it's always there in the back of my mind. I want to silence it. I want it to be gone; but the more I ignore it the more overwhelming it becomes. Does anyone know how to face, disable, or overcome it?

Aptrick,

I wish I had a solution for you. I often fantasize about repeating what was done to me. It disturbs me greatly. I think that is a common result of sexual abuse. Maybe your desire to be hurt and to be numb is your mind trying to cling to the old ways - maybe you are afraid of the path ahead that is necessary to heal. I am. It means you have to take all that sh*t, pick it up, and take a hard look at it. It is hard to do this when we've spent so much time and energy trying to run and hide from the past. But, we have to move forward and break out of our old patterns. Well, those are my thoughts. I could be way of base and applying my own situation to your problem. I wish you the strength and clarity needed to make this journey. Know that you have support here if you need it.

John

This may be helpful:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/Professionals/Articles/singer2.htm
Ken

Dear Apt,

Your getting some good stuff from your fellow survivors here... the only thing that I would suggest is to find that capable therapist. I know that tends to sound like Johnny One Note, but therapy with this stuff is highly recommended because of its so personal nature. And by personal, I mean, idividualized.
We certainly tend to play the old tapes for one reason or another. Mine get played to remind me of what I shit I am. I'm not feeling that way now, but they are there to remind me when I get down. I am working on that, however, so that I never play them, just deal with what's at hand. Heaven knows, there's enough to deal with on a daily basis without going into our abusive pasts.
Good luck in finding that "perfect" therapist.
If you need some help in that, we have the resource pull down, above, and we have Ken Singer who tries to make recommendations upon request.
Good luck and welcome aboard.

David

I'm sorry that I don't know a cure. But all I can think of to tell you is that you're NOT alone. It seems like every other time I masturbate (I'm celibate so that's 'bout it for me) I'm battling with exactly that.

-triggers!-

Argh. I'm rewriting this part for the third time 'cause I want to share it ut I don't know how to say it. I wanted to try and share about my own battles, but I can't.

Please, please know you're not alone. You're not weak and you're not abnormal. You've got a scar in a deep place because someone hurt you there. And that's how I keep from guilting myself into tears when the fantasies come. It's not my fault, someone did this to me, and that's what I'm dealing with. That's one reason I'm so grateful for this board. I don't know of anywhere else in the world I could admit what I just did.

So, maybe I can just stop babbling and say you're not alone. You're not bad for thinking or feeling this way. You're strong for thinking and facing it. You're really strong. And I'm proud of you for having the courage to be honest w/ yourself.