Bobby, first I want to reply to you on the issue of trust. I know exactly where you are in that areana. I can trust no one, especially people who think they know the answers because they call themselves "christians." A christian person took me from the orphanage when I was 13 and he and a buddy of his molested me because they said " I asked for it for wearing such tight pants and teasing them." Those were supposed upstanding "christians." I attacted up until I was arrested and put back in the orphanage 3 months later where I remained until I ran away at 18. Our sexual idenity is not a choice, nor was the fact that we were abused. God allowed us to be part of a community that exposes the bigotry and falsehood of religion that thinks we are perverted for loving our own gender. When we look at biology in general and consider the animals He has made do we make judgments there? Gesse born into a gaggle to full to support itself, are all born "gay" as do other species of animal on this planet. That is a scientific FACT!!!! Look it up.
For the person who says that "his feelings, thoughts, affections or desires should not define his identiy I think that is poppycock. Of course they do. To think otherwise is as false to the truth that God claims us to be brave enough to embrace as the hiprocracy of the pharisee's who put Jesus to death for his controversial thinking that we are all called to God's love, our sexual idenity not with standing. It really hurt me to hear someone say, that they " don't concern themselves with those of us who are gay" that we were somehow "out of the original design" smacks of judgment and the same kind of hateful mindset that has made us all keep our secrets for so long. It shames me to hear such piety and superficial condescenion that be littles some of struggle toward recovery. How dare it happen in here. This is not a pulpit to expouse your religiosty and condemnation for what your desires are also in secret. No one "morphs" with their urges, they are acted upon or they are not. Neither choice is incorrect and it really stabs the heart of those who struggle with this to imply if they make a choice other than your thought of "decorum" that they fall short of God's love. Jesus says, "I am LOVE!" He did not attach a condition to that. We are all loved regardless of our orientation, desires, thoughts, affections or desires. I am sorry I went on so ardently, but I am tired of judgmental fundamentalists who think they know the only way to healing.
Bobby, you are okay with whatever thoughts you have as are you Rob. Just know that unraveling our confusion will take our courage and our outrage to a system that has failed us time and time again. We have each other as brother's even when we so ardently disagree with one another's opinion. I wish you all well and extend my support in your UNCONDTIONAL and non judgmental recovery.
Ric

Bobby & Rob
although both your posts were long there is enough in each one to pick out the things that has always confused me also. For one thing. The 75 year old man that I think Bob met for lunch and he turns out to be a pervert. Im in my 60's now and if I heard that story 20 years ago or more I wouldn't have belived it. But now as Im older I know the feelings I still have and would never dreamed of having these feelings at the age I am now when I was younger.
Also, one of you mentioned looking at a Magizine with a picture of a sexy girl and someone comments how sexy she looks when in reality your looking at the sexy guy in the picture. I remember walking on the Boardwalk years ago with my buddy's and someone would say, hey look at the Tits on that Broad and I would say Yeah, but I was really looking at the Body of Her Boyfriend and also looking at his buldging Crutch and trying to figure out how Big his Cock and Balls were.
Then I think it was Rob who brought up about the Rectal examine when he was 5 years old that seem to change everything. I had my first encounter of sex with my best bud when we were both 12, but we just really jerked each other off, nothing more. Then at age 13 I had my Appendix Taken out. I didn't have a sudden attack like most people have when it's their appendix. Instead I had lingering pains in my stomach all day in school and later
when I got home. My Mom called the Doctor that night as in those days Doctors still made house calls. However, My Doctor wasn't available as my Doctor was on call at a Hospital. So his answering service sent a young doctor to our house who was just recently out of Medical school. I still remember him as he was tall and thin and wore horn rimmed glasses. He took of my undershirt and started to tap my stomach all over. Then he unexpectdely told me to turn over on my stomach and take off my Boxers as I was completly naked. He then went into his Black Bag that all doctors carried and pulled out what seemed like a used Bar of soap that was already worn down thin so it could fit anywhere. Yes, he inserted that thin bar of soap up my ass and like Rob I got an unexpected jolt of lightning I never ecperience. A few months later after I was completly recovered from my appendix operation and just turned 14 I had my first Anal Sex with my bud all because of that Doctor and that bar of soap. I thought I would like it, but when he entered me I didn't realize the pain it would cause. I didn't want him to stop and make him think that the soap gave me more pleasure than his cock but it was true. I really loved the years we had our oral sex and the rest of the sex we had but I always feared the Anal Sex! Whenever I think of anal sex I think of that Doctor with the Horned Rim glasses and his used bar of soap
Ritchie22

Hi Guys

The thread below has been taken off my website, and placed here for those who are having problems in trusting others and themselves

Hope it helps...and Hi to everyone here.....Been around for ages, but seldom post, as so busy with my website and other stuff

Stay safe

Steve
SURVIVORS SWINDON
___________________________________

LETTING GO OF THE PAIN WITHIN

Letting go of the pain caused by sexual abuse is difficult, painful and extremely hard to do, but it is not impossible to do!

No matter what happened when you were sexually abused, you survived, by whatever means, and you can overcome this trauma. Nothing is impossible, not if you want it that much.
So, here’s my version of how to handle it, and guess what? It works too!

It involves you trusting someone, and telling ALL of the secrets you have hidden away for so long.

As you begin to tell, allow yourself to get in touch with all of the feelings, fears and
emotions that arise.

Don’t be afraid to show the real you who has been hidden for so long.

Don’t be afraid of the emotions either, don’t be ashamed or afraid to be angry, sad, mad, or tearful.

You have the right to show those emotions, just like everyone else.

You don’t have to be a man, and ‘macho’ all of the time.

You don’t have to pretend to be a MAN all of the time either.

It doesn’t matter where you start, the beginning, middle or end is a good place to start, you can add to it as you talk.

From just the one issue, there are many issues that arise. It could be anger that you speak about on one occasion, then perhaps fear another time, maybe sadness, or the pain it caused you then and now.

Re-tell your story, and how it has affected you in different ways, until you know it has been exhausted. If and when it comes back, talk it through again and see it for what it is, just a memory that comes back

Don’t worry about the language you use either.

Some counsellor’s say that by using 'crude', 'rude' or plain basic language feels like they are being abused. Well here's some news for them. That's their problem, not yours! We need to feel comfortable with what and how we say things about our abuse history, and if that means saying things they don't feel comfortable with, they can always get another job in a supermarket!

Above all, begin to get in touch with your feelings, thoughts and fears towards the abuse, how you felt then, and how you feel now.
Try putting your feelings into words, other than expressing yourself with “I’m feeling like…..”

Take your time in doing so, even if those emotions seem unreal.

Whatever you do, don’t give up, otherwise “they” will seem to have won.

THEY HAVE NOT!

Moving on......

To tell someone, perhaps a friend or partner, that you have been sexually abused either as a child or adult is extremely difficult.

Even more so, if like many countless boys, you were told big boys don’t cry, or that you fear being seen as weak.

The fear you will be disbelieved or thought to have taken part in it willingly, is soul destroying and can prevent you from talking about it.

Listed below are some requirements that have to be honoured by you and the person you speak to before counselling can begin.

1. Being listening to, and believed, even the unbelievable.

2. Remembering the abuse in your time, not being rushed to recall everything.

3. Understanding and accepting that you were not to blame.

4. Letting go of the pain.

5. Expressing repressed emotions, e.g. pain, fear, anger, sadness, guilt, etc.

6. Identifying/reclaiming your sexuality.

7. Increasing self-respect/esteem.

8. Taking control of your life.

9. Stopping self-inflicted pain, e.g. alcohol/drug misuse, crime, self-harming, etc.

10. Looking at past relationships, forming new relationships.

Dealing with all of the above takes incredible courage, nerve, and determination to overcome the abuse, which in many cases has been buried or hidden for many years.

The journey you undertake is very empowering, healing, and will allow you to face up to what happened to you, acknowledge the abuse, but more importantly refuse to allow it live your life any more.

Sadly, you will never forget what happened to you, but the pain will and does remove itself from your daily thoughts.

If you are prepared to give yourself time to heal, you will live a life free from painful memories, and be able to move on from the painful memories that belong in the past.

Nothing is worse than letting those who abused you in the past, continue to abuse you NOW.

Let go of them and the memories of the abuse you suffered.

It will never go away, but you can and will be able to live YOUR life.

After all, you deserve more than a life full of misery and pain.

Or do you think differently? I hope not!