The first time I ever felt loved was through sex.

No matter warped it might have been, since that day it became my reality for the next twenty years. Until I began to understand its ravages on my sexuality and self esteem. That was hardest thing to accept and let go. The easy ways of getting love. Than loving myself.

Now I am beginning to love myself and those sexual patterns are auomatically dissolving. My guide has told me focus of self love rather than sex.

I "so" want to be where you're at, morn. It is encouraging to hear the triumph.
My "guide" is trying to orient me towards the sugar and spice, everything nice aspect of females.
But, then a reawakening will emerge. I'll remember the tears streaming down their faces and how fragile women are. No, I never hit women. But, words can (and did) hurt.
Ive discovered that if a memory is painful, another memory will act as a mental bandaid.
When theres guilt from memory about hurting women, i'll remember the Mom who physically and sexually tore me apart.
This is not much of a bandaid, but it lays a framework of acceptance for the verbal anguish ive caused women.

I guess what I wanted to show, is that I dont want to get to the point that I physically hurt women. What I dont know, is what will emerge during sex. What will happen if I remember during sex? I have the feeling that women use their sexuality to induce men. But, thats not unusual. Thats socially accepted. But, its something that I cant help but hate them for. Sort of like, they are in control of my sexual feelings.
I'll never expose myself to another until I am healed and healthily respond to sex.

Morning Star - My total understanding of love was for those who love me to have sex with me. All my friends through late teen years had to be sexual partners first!! Thank God that I found out that love does not = sex!!!! The struggle and resolution was all mine!! No one around to help!!

A bible passage helped me to put my love priorities in order. "Love one another AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF"!! As I began to show real love toward myself, then I became open to show that love to others....not sex but real affection!! Good luck on your journey!!


Howard

Morning Star,

Good topic. I remember thinking that everything was somehow related to sex. If someone was friendly toward you then that meant they wanted sex. If you were friends with someone then it had to lead to sex and when it didn't they weren't really your friend. Is that messed up or what? It is really hard to destroy those old messages. How can it be that someone likes who you are not what you have in your pants? I puzzled over that one for a while. Heh, heh. I have a lot of trust issues - like we all do here. Thanks for posting the topic.

Self, you said it so right, when ever I am friendly with some one I fear that they might soon make a pass at me, if I go ahead or I would. So I dont open up to people easily. Only with whom sex is not a possibility.

But the irony is I have had sex with whom there seemed no possibility. So it takes me long time to feel safe and open up sexually.

Sex till now has always been an act of assault, about power and not an expression of love. I hope I can end this confusion soon and access the healing powers of sex soon.

Ultimately, you can have sex with anyone, but it is what you prefer becomes your Sexual Preference. What is more in tune with your true sexuality, so then tuning in with your sexual self is the first step to healing your sexuality, and is more like tuning in with your self.

And as we start getting closer to our Self, all the sexual confusion will automatically dissappears. As it is just a vehicle we have chosen as souls to push us to finding our True self.
So thank you for the confusion, for if not for this confusion I would have never bother to find my true self. I feel sense of gratitude for those who caused it.

Because only when we are confused we look for clarity, we discover the Truth. And when we look for answers for our sexual confusion, we find our Self in the process.

NOT a bad deal at the end of the day!