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#131782 - 02/11/05 06:20 AM Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS)
TJ jeff Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3368
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
I've hesitated/worried over this post for a while now - but it's eating away at me - so I must really need to post this - hope there are others who understand...

Ever since I can remember I've always hated the fact that I was born w/ male parts hanging between my legs

I've spent much time trying to understand and get to the root of this inner feeling of hatred towards my sexual parts (and yet the feeling is still there wich leads to actions I need to stop)

I was sexualy abused by a male at a very young age - so I am sure that is where part of the hatred comes from (in his 'games' he often used my own body parts against me - such as: You got hard so you must want it / it feels good does'nt it?)

I think that the rest of it comes from physical/mental abuseing mother - I can remember her saying to me (and many of her friends - and even some relatives) that I was supposed to be a girl and that she wishes I'd never been born (remember one of her discipline sessions where I spun around and she continued on my front side saying "I'll beat that dirty little thing right off your body")

I been trying to get past these feelings - just can't... - dreams/nightmares/flashbacks/re-living the past - all been there with me lately - to much spare time for my mind (not working - shoulder disability) -

Dark thoughts been in my mind too much lately...

Sometimes I just want to hack my 'male' parts off and throw them away (not that I'd ever really do this! - just a re-curring feeling)(does anyone else feel this way?)

Is there any way to get over this feeling? - I've read books, been through T, and yet the feeling is still there (I know ther has to be - just won't come to me... - and is why I am posting here)

TJ jeff

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#131783 - 02/11/05 06:59 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS)
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
TJ,

I'm hoping that you've got a good therapist, and if you don't, that you'll tap into Ken and others here to help you find one.

I don't know if others feel like just chopping the damn thing off, after all, "it is the thing that got us into all of this trouble, isn't it?" But, I sure sense your frustration of growing up with all of that negativity about that which makes you male.

God, I remember those adolescent times when being called on in class as I would be having one of those raging boners, seemingly, just for those occasions. Then, I suppose, I could have joined you in wanting to cutting the damn thing off.

You know that whole bit about, "enjoying it because we got hard," is one of the reasons that we feel so guilty, so responsible for what happened to us.

I remember waking up when my 8th grade teacher had his hands down my pants and I was hard. I wasn't even, "there," and I got hard; talk about feeling betrayed by the damn thing.

Again, I emphsize having a good therapist who knows all of the reasons we put ourselves down for having experienced such abnormal events in our lives. For you see, we did have very normal reactions to those abnormal events.

We are are not abnormal, we are only trying to figure out what happended to us to get our right thinking back, again. I think that it is called recovery.

Peace, TJ, I can't imagine that you could think anything else. I hope that you're proud of that little guy who survived all of that. Hopefully, with the right therapist, you'll be able to recapture the pride and joy of the boy that you were and the confidence in the man that you are.

I'm sorry, but your mother was dead wrong, the shame is hers for not raising her gift of a son, in the manner which would have left him with a sense of pride in his manhood.

We are stronger with you as member here, sharing your story so that others, as well, will be encouraged to open themselves up for healing and recovery.

Thank you, TJ, for your honesty and courage,

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#131784 - 02/12/05 02:04 AM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS)
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
TJ, I'm so sorry.

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#131785 - 02/12/05 06:41 AM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS)
brokentoys Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/04
Posts: 149
Loc: So. California
Hi TJ,
Thanks for the good discussion the other night. Maybe I can return the favor here. Monday I saw my Therapist. Her homework assignment for me the weeks before had been why it is or is not my fault. One of the things on my list was the issue of well if my body reacted, on some level I must have enjoyed it and wanted it. She stopped me and said, now mind you I am paraphrasing because I have the memory of a sieve!:
The body is simply a collection of organs with different parts having different things to do. You were touched, manipulated, whatever, and your body reacted. That does not mean you wanted anything or enjoyed anything. It means your body did what it was supposed to do and was in good working order. It reacted the way it was designed to react under stimulation. End of story. It does not in any way diminish the act of abuse nor does it transfer the blame from the perpetrator to the abused.
She had a lot more to say as I recall. Took her a long time to say it and she used a lot of $10.00 words, but in essence, that was it. I'm not sure if I take any comfort from that. Like you I have often thought I would be better off without it, but here we are. I'm highly allergic to pain (I think it is from that overdose of it growing up) and I'm sure chopping it off would be very painful!
Broken

_________________________
It's easier to go down a hill than up it but the view is much better at the top.

Arnold Bennet

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#131786 - 02/12/05 11:05 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS)
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Broken, I think your T has a good analogy of bodily function response, you have got a good T.

TJ, you find yourself in this situation, I felt like I was a girl when I was abused! I wanted to be a girl, because my mind thought that men only did these things to boys. How confusing was this?
To a young boy, I thought. If I was a girl, then he would not be looking for me, because instinctively I thought that he did not go after girls.
I was so terrified as a kid to go out somedays, I would lock the doors in the summer, shut the windows and bolt all the gates. If I sweltered in the heat it would be better than him coming to get me. If someone opened a door I would close it as soon as I could, see any signs of OCD here, I do.
The wanting to cut it off because it caused so much angst is what I have been through, so you are not alone. You see the penis as the one thing the abuser wanted, you wish you never had one, because if you did not, then he would not have done these things.
Take the guilt and put it where it belongs, on the evil shit who did it, and not yourself,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#131787 - 02/13/05 05:36 AM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS)
TJ jeff Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3368
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Thank You David, Bobby, Broken, and Ste

I've been on a bit of a mental low lately (health problems and lack of money are'nt helping things any)

Have no T to even go to (My old T simply said "we're done - there's nothing more I can do for you" the last time I seen him - so I'll not go back to him)

I've read books (Victims No Longer, Toxic Parents, and all of Dave Pelzers books) - My 'mind' knows that what happened was not my fault - and yet somehow I just 'feel' that somehow things have to be my fault...

Ste - Your line on wanting to be a girl back then and how it might of changed things really got my mind to thinking... - I never 'felt' like a girl from anything he done (I actualy remember him as to make me feel like 'very dirty male') - I honestly don't think that it would of made any diffrence to my Uncle whether I was a boy or girl (I was just a convenient 'outlet' for his sexual exploitations and if I would of had a girls parts he might even of been rougher on me and not let me stop it when I did cause he might of liked doing it more) - I know my Mom always wanted for me to be a girl - and yet "I" don't ever remember myself thinking that I wanted to have a girls parts - I just remember thinking that I wanted to be a boy, but one without a penis or balls (you see - if I had no 'parts' then what would there be to abuse?)

Ugg... - mind is swimming in thought and picture of past things... - but that's all in the past - is'nt it... - why can't I just leave it in the past...

You see... - the 'REAL' problem I have now is that I have such a bad body image that I cannot even perform when with a lady (it's not a physical thing cause it performs well when I'm alone) - as soon as she touches it or even says anything about it the thing goes into hideing and will not respond - I've been without a girl for a long time now cause of this... - am trying hard to come out of my hermit like ways - trying hard to make friends in this area where I live - most simply cannot understand why I am not married and have no kids at my age - all say I am the 'type' of guy who would make great husband and Dad - and yet 'all' of those same people know nothing of my past and the problems I struggle with that keep me single... - I feel like such a phony to these people... - and yet I am sposed to be their friend...

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#131788 - 02/13/05 06:40 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS)
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
TJ, I never wanted to be a girl, it was the same as you. Having boy parts was conditioned from abuse. The kid thinks that the abuse would never have happened if he didn't have boy parts.
It is terrible confusion for a kid to go through. You will get there I am sure.
I hope you can find a girl, there must be many out there who are looking for a guy like you, and hope you get the family you deserve,

take care,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#131789 - 02/13/05 08:00 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS)
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
TJ Jeff and other guys! Many of us hate our male genitals because of the abuse. Sometimes it is because of "those things" we feel we were abused. If they weren't there we'd be safe. So instead of blaming the perp so much we blame ourselves (our genitals).

Sometimes it is an attempt to control the situation. If I take those parts off THEN I will control never getting abused again. The loss of control is attempted to be established by our controlling all aspects of the situation. Often we also blame being in the wrong location (If I had not gone there, disobeyed my parents, etc. then this would not have happened) or if I had worn something different (clothes, shorts, etc) then this would not have happened. The reality is that they picked us as victims because of their own needs. We had nothing or did nothing or wore nothing that encouraged or "made" the abuse happen.

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#131790 - 02/19/05 10:59 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS)
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Ivanhoe, the raging boner in class, on the bus, the train, in the street.

I was prepubic when it happened, but it super-sexed my psyche.

Getting the boner had nothing to do with sex at first, but I would just be so embarrassed in class.

Getting a boner on transport was when I fantasised about a girl, so I made sure I did not look at a girl ten minutes before I got off, did not always work as any teen will tell you, so I often had to get off and walk back.

ScottyTodd, I know it is incensed in us to blame our male parts for the abuse, but it is an incredibly strong feeling when you are just a kid, to get over that one. I know that I have wanted to just cut it off, because it was the focus of all the hurt in the child.

I let the child now know, that I love him, and thank him for being so strong. I get to know off you guys just how strong the kid has been.

thanx,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#131791 - 02/20/05 07:32 AM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS)
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi TJ, you said,
Quote:
You see... - the 'REAL' problem I have now is that I have such a bad body image that I cannot even perform when with a lady (it's not a physical thing cause it performs well when I'm alone) - as soon as she touches it or even says anything about it the thing goes into hiding and will not respond!
What types of thoughts are running around in your head at that time? It could be that you are worrying about something so much that it is stopping you from functioning.

When I was so lucky to have a girl that wanted to have sex with me, the first 20 or more times, I did not have a orgasm. It turned out that I was so worried about hurting her down there, that I was moving to slowly to have a orgasm.

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#131792 - 02/20/05 05:13 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS)
brokentoys Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/04
Posts: 149
Loc: So. California
Well then there are always these wonderful drugs that make it impossible for me to orgasm. Funny, they call them antidepressants. Do you know how depressing it is not to be able to "finish"? Grrrrr!
Broken

_________________________
It's easier to go down a hill than up it but the view is much better at the top.

Arnold Bennet

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#131793 - 02/21/05 09:15 AM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS)
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
Reality,
As a kid I too hardly ventured out, as I feared being attacked by men, I suspected them all, they were all eyeing me. I felt like as a girl would. Living in that constant fear. May be I was looking out for my abuser, someone who would love me again. I never found love just abuser.

This language of abuse in love is what I am trying to heal and unlearn now, so that I can love my self completely and without the fear of being hurt.

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#131794 - 02/21/05 09:39 AM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS)
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
Lostcowboy, I agree with you that my frustration was my penis not performing as per my control. It never did. Neither during abuse or later. It is a sensivitive organ that responds to stimuli as someone rightly pointed out.

But when I blocked that stimuli with fear of performance, it didnt work.

It was a pure case of stage fright. Like a child who can sing best when relaxed, and not when he knows that his every move is being scrutinised and that he will be judged for the performance.

Failure of penis to perform is not failure of manhood.

Because Manhood is in head and not in the trousers.

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#131795 - 03/02/05 03:34 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS)
Charlie Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/05
Posts: 148



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#131796 - 03/02/05 04:00 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS)
self_righting Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/05
Posts: 69
Loc: Tampa, FL
During puberty and late adolesecence I had many moments where I wanted to hack it off. The erections where enmbrassing but what was worse was the fact that I was thinking about the abuse or my abuser. If I wanked off then I felt terribly guilty and hated myself more. And I was so focused on sex it was all I could think about. So it was just a vicious cycle - get worked up, wank, feel guilty, think about the abuse, get worked up... and on an on. I had terrible self-esteem issues because of it and my teen years and early twenties were just miserable. Sometimes, I think the abuse would have happened even if I had been a girl. I'm not saying it was fate but given the circumstances of my life - it just probaly would have happened regardless of my gender.


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#131797 - 03/02/05 04:22 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS)
learning2remember Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 261
Loc: Europe
I don't want to go into detail right now, but just agree with the general mood of the thread. Just giving my "Been there, felt that." kind of support.

_________________________
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

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#131798 - 03/05/05 04:50 AM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS)
TJ jeff Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3368
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Just wanted to say thanks to all who have replied since I last posted - it helps knowing that others are having the same sorts of problems - I've always felt like some kind of sexual freak - Now I know and understand that the feelings are just stemming from the abuse

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#131799 - 01/22/07 07:11 AM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS)
AshSurvived Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Australia
Jeff, I found this post in your profile because of something you said about school bullying that I related to today.

I have had this feeling for a long time, I acted out in masochistic ways and through internet female domination forums. I also used to wish I was a girl because I would be priveleged and entitled and free from all the types of abuse. For me it was because my abusers were straight females and I knew they wouldn't touch girls.

Also reading your thread I can see a lot of people have left and I can see this place used to be a lot nicer. I feel as though this forum has its own baggage now in comparison to the old days, there's a very different vibe, less warmth and more fatigue and wariness.

When I mentioned my issues around castration fantsies and that sort of thing I was almost thrown from the train by someone in chat, and they talked about another guy who had been reported to the mod and banned previously.

I would like to be able to talk about this issue. My abuse centered on my genitals and my cousin talked a lot about castration and went through mock procedures while getting off with me in her bedroom when I was about 5, and probably earlier. I also picked up much anti male sentiment from my domineering ultra-conservative mother.

I came very close to permanently damaging myself in my teens and I'm glad I stopped. As I deal with my abuse these particular issues are subsiding but they are still there and few people can relate to them. I was also kicked and beaten in my testicles a lot and I came to like it so much that when I was married I couldn't have sex with my wife unless she threatened me and beat me there as hard as she could. Up till now I've just been a sorry isolated pervert, but I am beginning to remember and understand.

Please discuss this with me, I need to know others have similar experiences. I want to move on and leave this preverted rubbish behind.

_________________________
"It's your world Dave, I'm just livin' in it"

- Harvey Pekar to David Letterman
(American Splendour)

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#138724 - 01/23/07 10:43 AM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS) [Re: AshSurvived]
Paul1959 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
Ash,
One of the aspects of site like this is that the stream of pain coming new every day never stops. The new guys especially have a lot of pain and lash out when they feel threatened either imaginary or real. The use of the word 'triggers' is a good one. Reactions are un-thought, emotional responses. I often wish chat were not available to guys who are new here for this very reason - of course, it's a great and immediate help to guys in pain when they find help. So it definitely has its place. But as you have seen, chat can be a scary place. Most guys in pain, don't have the tools to simply ignore something they don't like. They feel hurt, they lash out. You mentioned mutilation, guys went crazy - it was a trigger. They should not have done that, but remember they are just lashing out at something that scares them even to think about. They are not equipped to emotionally separate themselves from it and so they get triggered.
The boards are FULL of loving, supportive guys who will become real friends. I would strongly suggest that you PM Ken Singer and post this stuff in At Risk Survivors. It is MUCH calmer in there and full of guys who struggle with everything from acting out, drugs, self abuse - you name it. In chat, find someone you trust and private IM them so the more triggery guys don't bother you. I was in there the night this happened. It was not pretty, but reasoning has little effect on pure emotional panic.
One more thing...if you can afford it, posting on the members side is a lot calmer as well.
Take care of yourself. You have grown even in the time you've been here.
Paul




Edited by Paul1959 (01/23/07 10:46 AM)

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#138897 - 01/24/07 08:19 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS) [Re: Paul1959]
TJ jeff Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3368
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Hi Ash,

Paul makes a very good point in that this is not an issue that I ever felt that I could talk of in the chatroom - I knew it would be too triggering for some people in there - that is why I posted it here and put a trigger warning on it - that way it gives persons the choice to be able to not read it if they think they might easily be triggered - yes, it is something that can be talked about though (I do not know about the person who was banned as you said - but I am sure there was more to it than most people knew) - it is a serious problem many of us who have been abused have felt

I am glad to say that since I started this post many things have changed in my life and I honestly don't hate my male parts as much anymore

anything you need to talk about - I am always just a PM away - and in a PM there is no chance of triggering others...

TJ jeff

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#138904 - 01/24/07 08:43 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS) [Re: TJ jeff]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Hi Ash,

So sorry you had an unhappy experience in the chat room. Like Paul says, someone had a knee-jerk reaction after being triggered and they lashed out unfairly at you. He also has a good suggestion about discussing this as a member in the "at risk" forum. You'll not find the uncomprehending reactions there because those that go there understand what you're going through. Don't be put off by the name of the forum. The folk there are regular guys, not sinister beings, lol.

There really are a bunch of great men here, Bro. And the old days? I've been back through the archive a few times and they had their rough times then too. I read one thread where the members, mods, and board of directors guys were calling each other names and I'm sure there would have been a brawl if they'd all been in the same room! My point is that we're human here and we have our frailties and faults. If we can learn from each other here, it'll sure help us to live better out there in the real world.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#139284 - 01/27/07 06:57 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS) [Re: TJ jeff]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
i hated that thing between my leges..wanted to be a girl..on top of my brothert screwing me...mom would say......tuck that thing between your leggs...when i had on one of those skin tight bathing suits that they bought...she would say it was discusting...gee sorry mom but a small boy has a small thing..it just sticks out...it wasnt big enough to stick between my leggs......i felt so castrated embarssed...i had to go hide so no one would see me....one time mom saids......i dont know how to raise boys...all frustrated....how is a boy to feel when your mom saids this to you well sorry...just cut it off..and get on with life.....steve


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#139356 - 01/28/07 09:43 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS) [Re: sabata]
TJ jeff Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3368
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Sabata,

I feel your pain - really I do... - I read your story post and your response to this old post - I cried for you - I know your pain real well...

Please keep talking it out here - what she done to make you feel so embarrased of your body was so very wrong of her

I can remember my mom saying bad things about my 'thing' very much too when I was young - that was so very wrong of them to do...

Talk the pain out here - we really do understand

TJ jeff

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#139369 - 01/28/07 11:11 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS) [Re: TJ jeff]
TJ jeff Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3368
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
I am adding this in a seperate reply - it is probably triggering - don't read if you are not strong...

I only add this so as that perhaps others here can better understand the deep roots of my hatred of my male parts when i was younger... - it is not all just hatred caused by what my uncle did to me - even though there is enough of that too...

again... - TRIGGER WARNING...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

nakedness was very much a normal thing for me in the house when I was young - I was not allowed any privacy - my bedroom was a common area at the top of the stairs in the house - no door at all - heck, no dividing wall even - it was wide open area - anyone could see anything I was doing in my room - and everyone knows that there are private things that one does in ones own room - stuff they don't want others to see - and yet I was not given that privacy (my bro had a room with a door - which just added to my feeling 'less' than him) - anyone walking through would see me change clothes - even when I got older and tried to be more modest of my body - mom would make fun of me for not wanting her to see my nakedness anymore - she would always say "you hav'nt got nothing I hav'nt seen before" - which would make me feel bad of NOT wanting her to see my naked body

every time she ever spanked me it was always without pants or underwear on - there where some times when she would be real mad - she would make me strip all clothes off - it made me feel real embarrassed to have to do such - to be so fully open to her - specialy as i got older - and then there was the times when after she was done spanking me till i could not feel or stand on my own legs that she would make me stand in the corner - she would not even let me put any clothes on - it was cold in that house (heated only to 60) - everyone knows that cold makes boy parts shrivel up (or sometimes makes them hard - which was even more embarrasing) - she would make fun of me cause of that - even threaten to cut them off - say that they was 'dirty' parts

even other relatives seen my 'embarrasment' - I remember well one christmas when i was very young (I think 4 or 5) - I had chicken pox real bad - they itched like crazy - could'nt stand anything covering them - just wanted to stay in my bed for christmas - mom would not let me - she put a quilt over the cedar chest in the living room and made me lay on it naked - even with all of the other relatives there (even though i wanted to cover up with something - she just said it would make me itch more - and that it was ok for me to be naked - no one would care - no argueing with mother - what she said was LAW...) - what was even worse was that she showed me off to them (I just wantedd to dissapear)(as if to try to get sympathy of herself as to how bad it was to have to care for me as such) - how bad my pox was - I remember how very embarrassed I was having all of the relatives looking me over - touching my nakedness - asking how much 'certain areas' itched - I can even remember them commenting of how bad it was that I had pox on my 'boy parts' - they even rolled me over so they could see the pox between the cheeks of my butt (yes it really was that bad - whole body pox - even inside my mouth which made it hard to eat) - just very very very humiliating - and yet I was made to lay there for hours and was not allowed to complain - christmas was 'family time' - i was not allowed to miss out on it... mom's rules...

yes - there was much done to make me ashamed of my boyhood

No parent should ever do such to their child!!! - EVER!!!

TJ jeff

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#139372 - 01/28/07 11:18 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS) [Re: TJ jeff]
batcountry Offline
Member

Registered: 09/20/06
Posts: 263
Loc: the ether
tj i am real sorry that happened to you. no wonder you felt that way. that is not an appropriate way to treat a child!! a child is a person with feelings and his own personal space, he is not a toy to be played with or shown off or to embarass for fun. i am angry how your mother treated you, you did not deserve that. you should have got the privacy and dignity that every human being deserves. but when we are small we have to do what our parents tell us, there is no choice... i can just imagine how terrible that all felt. im real sorry and i hope you are healing from it. i did not really have to deal with anything like that myself, it was pretty much the opposite end of the spectrum, never be naked ever or acknowledge the existence of "boy parts" or "girl parts"... well i guess either extreme is bad. i wish there were less fucked up parents in this world.

_________________________
nothing to see here

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#139373 - 01/28/07 11:32 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS) [Re: batcountry]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
thanks tj...you are truley a good person....please be kind to yourself steve


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#139470 - 01/29/07 10:34 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS) [Re: sabata]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11073
Loc: Denver, CO
Steve,

I know how a mother can be degrading and embarassing towards a boy. My mother was so rotten to us that I grew up believing all boys needed saving from their mothers.

TJ,

We have talked about this before, and my heart as always goes out to you. Your mother really angers me!



Edited by FormerTexan (01/29/07 10:35 PM)
_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#139635 - 01/30/07 09:00 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS) [Re: FormerTexan]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Tj,

What a horrifying way to be treated. I too grew up being ashamed of my genitals. This was as a very small child before any of the SA started. I remember my mother making comments when I was getting dressed, etc. but don't remember specific words or instances.

The odd thing about that whole experience was that once I found out what my genitals could do for me, I lost that hatred of them. Now they were pretty handy items to have, even in the midst of the abuse! Like I say.... odd that it should have been that way, but that's how it was. I may have to spend some time contemplating this. I've never considered any of this till now...

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#139711 - 01/31/07 09:42 AM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS) [Re: WalkingSouth]
TJ jeff Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3368
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Thanx Bat, Sabata, Andy, and John

I do not hate my 'parts' so much anymore as I used to

I am now starting to understand the reasons for the hate

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#139729 - 01/31/07 06:11 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS) [Re: TJ jeff]
Elad 12 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/15/05
Posts: 1176
Loc: on the coast
TJ,

just want to add how sorry I am also. Your Christmas story was very sad and you didn't deserve to be treated that way. I'm sorry.

Dale


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#139867 - 02/01/07 10:48 AM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS) [Re: Elad 12]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Why were your other family members not slapping your "mother" in the FACE and telling her to put some clothes on you!!

That was terrible!!

Well I don't know what else to say except that you're good guy Jeff, even though you had to go through THAT.

Is your "mother" still alive?


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#139915 - 02/01/07 06:02 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS) [Re: Hauser]
TJ jeff Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3368
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Thanks Dale and Hauser

Yes - my mother is still alive

she completely refuses to acknowledge that she has ever done anything wrong to me - the rest of the family stands behind her in that - they all say that I am making a big deal out of nothing - they say that all of the things done where just a 'normal' part of growing up in a poor farming community - they all say she did the best she knew how to do

that christmas did not seem to bother the relatives much (they were all mom's side of the family) - they were looking and touching - even perp uncle was there to get some free touches in while pointing out where all he dots where that could not easily be seen - I was too sick to fight back or even care

Yes - they are all a very dysfunctional group...

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#140356 - 02/05/07 03:41 AM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS) [Re: TJ jeff]
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
TJ,

One of the guy's Mothers actually apologized for being such a disciplinarian...read, abusive. That could go along way with you, I'm sure. No one should have mothers like that.

What I wanted to add to this thread speaks directly to what you started with...the thoughts of being uncomfortable with or not appreciating one's maleness. One night in group, our therapist asked us to make positive comments about our penises. Well, after the laughter and a few jokes, the room became silent. The point that he obviously was making is that a lot of us are uncomfortable being male. You'd be surprised how many of us would rather use stalls than stepping up to the urinals; some of us called it, "penis shy." The effects of childhood sexual abuse can run deep and wide when it comes to being male. How about those showers after PE classes or intramural sports? For some of us it was nearly unbearable. So when our group therapist asked us to make positive comments about our penises, he knew exactly how difficult that was going to be for some of us.
While our discussion ended up with some fairly positive statements about the male organ, it certainly began with all of the negative things that we were made to think about ourselves. Most of us felt that we were betrayed by one of the most important life producing elements of being male. I think that most of us left group that night with a renewed appreciation for ourselves and for those attributes that make us male.
When we were first married, I remember thanking my wife for making me feel like the stud I’ve always wanted to be. I hope that you will find someone who will always make you feel like the man you are.

Strength and courage,

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#140921 - 02/09/07 08:52 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS) [Re: Ivanhoe]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi TJ, yep I have always hated my dick. It always wants to come up at the wrong time. While that don't happen as often now, it sometimes dribbles juice down my leg when I get turned on. Thanks dick! Thanks a fucking lot!
If I had been born a girl, I am sure I would have had other problems, but I wouldn't have had those problems.

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#141010 - 02/10/07 02:31 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS) [Re: lostcowboy]
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
TRIGGER WARNING!!! TRIGGER WARNING!!! TRIGGER WARNING!!!TJ jeff - For years I was ashamed of the way my mom treated me - much as yours did to you. That shame and hatred really runs deep. My mom beat me (about 5 years old or less, not in school yet)with a 'cat-o-nine-tails' for some little thing I'd done. When the neighborhood ladies (about 6-7) came over for their coffee/tea, she stood me on a chair in the kitchen, had me strip naked and turn around naked so the ladies could see the welts and "how bad a boy I was". About the same age I caught my penis when closing a drawer (no, I'm not XXXX like a horse) because I'm not convinced I was the one who closed the drawer. She put ice on it. I was naked on the couch and "every, single person" who entered the house "had to come see what a stupid thing (I) did"! The worst was she told that story every oppotunity she had to my friends until I was 13. I think I know the feeling, TJ. I'm sorry you had to endure that emotional torture and humiliation!! I am glad you can talk about it and get it out. My parents both never, ever would accept any responsibility for these things in my childhood.

Howard



Edited by ScottyTodd (02/10/07 02:33 PM)
_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#141464 - 02/13/07 08:42 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS) [Re: ScottyTodd]
TJ jeff Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3368
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Thank You David, Clifford, and Howard

I know I have come a long ways since this post first started - still hard to say anything "good" about my penis though

Yes - my girlfriend makes me feel good about being a man (but we hav'nt done anything sexual yet - and I know that there have been problems in the past with perfomance - I hope that does not happen again)

Howard - Thank You for sharing so openly - I know how hard it is to talk about (my mother has done other things I hav'nt shared yet too) - I am horrified by what your mother done to you - it angers me greatly that the other neighborhood ladies did not report her to the authorities - and just from the way you said it - I can imagine that the drawer accident was no accident (I had lots of those "accidents" too) - how can anyone possibly think it ok to do such to a kid??? - my folks don't take any responsibility either - they just say they done the best they could... - I just say they did'nt really care at all... - they still don't...

TJ jeff

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#141475 - 02/13/07 10:11 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS) [Re: TJ jeff]
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
TJ jeff - Thanks for your support! It still encourages me that I am not alone and that someone else can understand the pain our mother's caused to such a small, defenseless guy! Thanks again!!

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#142404 - 02/19/07 10:12 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS) [Re: TJ jeff]
dillon Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/02/07
Posts: 55
Loc: california,san deigo
HI JEFF,

When i was about 12 years old i had tthe same feelings but then i realized that i am proud to be a guy because think of it..U dont want to be a girl because

1. U dont have to go through the pain of haveing a baby.(not to disrespect woman)

2. We dont have to deal with periods

3. We dont have to deal with always keeping track of whereing tampons lol

I soud like my school councle when i told her about my abuse she would always use the words penis and anal and i was like so uncomfortble lol..but ya therse alot more reasons trust me... i felt the same way =)

_________________________
watch this video

[url=link] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSWUYeNDwX0

New video!!

[url=link]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kroz7SmSLTw&mode=related&search=

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#143804 - 03/02/07 07:16 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS) [Re: TJ jeff]
SaberCat Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/02/07
Posts: 46
Loc: Florida, US
Sorry TJ jeff - I don't have a clear answer - But I could *really* use one ...

I have wished I could be a girl for as long as I can remember. I was molested by my cousin when I was 3/4, he was 10/11. I started having "Cross Dressing" fantasies at 8 and was actually doing it at 13. By 15 I was convinced I was supposed to be a female not a male. Nothing seemed to make the fantasies stop. There was a lot of pain during this time.

I've always had problems sexually. I remember being *so* embarrassed by my erection that I wondered "How am I supposed to have sex and not let the woman see it?" I've never hated or felt bad about just my parts, I felt that I was *completely* worthless because I was male. And NOTHING I could ever do would make me completely "OK." Only girls could possibly be "OK." I still have problems with having sex - I'm emotionally there, but very little physically. Its been this way my whole life.

Its been over 35 yrs since I was molested. I'm still struggling with who I am. I've had these fantasies for so long that it really doesn't seem out of the ordinary to think of my self as a girl. (Even my screen name is a play on this: SaberCat comes from Saber KATE) To me, this is a clever compromise. I mean I can have my feelings but no one would know. Saber comes from fencing, but this is moving off-topic.

I am married and have a teenage daughter. But I still fantasize about being a girl. (BTW: I use the term girl because I alway see MYSELF as a girl (14 - 18) as opposed to a woman.) I don't want to change my life. A divorce, being transgender, or gay aren't it for me. It took many years of therapy to get back on the right track.

But, I'm still feeling really confused inside. There are some things that have helped my feelings about myself, but the basic feeling is still there. I'll post them, but first I need to think about how to say them because its like scooping fish out of a murky pond.

Any thoughts?






Edited by SaberCat (03/02/07 07:36 PM)

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#143850 - 03/02/07 11:52 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS) [Re: SaberCat]
AshSurvived Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Australia
Saber(Kate), this is a truly courageous first post. What you said about beng 'OK' if you were a girl really resonates with me too. I envy women their expressiveness and their seeming right to be stupid. I wish I could be that self-indulgent, but so many things women do seem abhorrent to me, yet I am secretly envious. The obsessions with fashion, trash media and gossip and generialised superficiality, but it looks like so much fun.

I can't relate to actually wanting to be female like transgenders or even transvestites either, but I do wear allegedly female clothing sometimes, not that anyone would know unless I pointed out that my pants came from the women's rack in a certain store.

I hope you do decide to put your feelings down, maybe you shouldn't organise them too much. I'm learning to be less rigid and logical and let my feelings come out a little more, as I do I slowly become more ME and therefore less envious of women, who have that ability taught to them, whereas I have to learn it on my own, which fucking sucks to be perfectly honest.

_________________________
"It's your world Dave, I'm just livin' in it"

- Harvey Pekar to David Letterman
(American Splendour)

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#143952 - 03/03/07 08:28 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS) [Re: AshSurvived]
SaberCat Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/02/07
Posts: 46
Loc: Florida, US
Thanks Ash.

I actually want to be female. Not the transgender way, but just magically. Like POOF! I'm a female. Hey, my logic doesn't resemble anyone else's. I used to try to emulate the star trek vulcans: completely 'logical' and no emotions. I have alot of feelings but I'm not sure where to post them. I'm looking for feedback, but I'm not sure about what could be 'triggering' for anyone else.

One of the main things is that this journey I'm on has always been with just me (and lots of t's, etc). I'm glad to have others going along. But maybe I'll just post in the main forum. I don't want to appear *scared* or *unsure* - I always have to keep up appearances and I don't know how to stop.

_________________________
"There is always hope."

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#143968 - 03/04/07 01:19 AM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS) [Re: SaberCat]
AshSurvived Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Australia
Spok was totally my role model as a kid, but up till now I've never really known why. If you post in survivor stories others can't reply in the thread, so perhaps yuo'll want to post in the main forum, just let out as much rope as your comfortable with, seems to work for me. I've only been here a little over a month and I am getting better at letting my guard down, there's been the odd bump negotitating other human beings which I always find awkward, but it's getting easier.

_________________________
"It's your world Dave, I'm just livin' in it"

- Harvey Pekar to David Letterman
(American Splendour)

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#144007 - 03/04/07 01:27 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS) [Re: AshSurvived]
TJ jeff Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3368
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Hi SaberCat

Welcome to MS

I was taught to be like spock when I was being raised - emmotion was not allowed in the house - only logic

it is only just the past 5 years that I've even been able to let any emmotion out at all

I don't think I ever really wanted to be a girl - I just did'nt want to be a boy - as a young boy my "boy parts" is what got me into trouble - without those parts there would of been no trouble (at least that is the way my young mind at the time processed it)

Saber - I'm no therapist at all - but I do deeply get the feeling that in your core you really don't want to be a girl either - just that there is a lot of confusion from what was done to you - keep talking it out here with us - this is a great place to make sense of the things that made no sense to us when we were younger

TJ jeff

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#144013 - 03/04/07 03:29 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS) [Re: TJ jeff]
SaberCat Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/02/07
Posts: 46
Loc: Florida, US
Ash, TJ, Thanks for your feedback.

I'm just trying to accept (at a fundamental level) the fact that men (all of us, especially me) are not INTRINSICALLY bad or wrong. Intellectually I know that 1/2 of the human species is not bad, but I am still dealing with the fact that I have always felt 'not-OK'

It is also amazing to speak to other men and it's OK. I've had so much fear of being labeled a 'Homosexual' (and many other things, like being accused of molesting children) that its difficult to say these things. It has nothing to do with actual homosexuallity, buy evrything to do with my fears. The fears were ever present, everywhere I went. If I went to a public restroom, I was sure that a gay man would come on me. Or if A child was present, as soon as he left, I expected the police to come cart me away. I never actually wanted these things, but there was an oppressive fear. There still is about many things.

I'm going to post in the main forum. I feel the same old belief that every homosexual on the board will be at my font door with torches and pitchforks: because I said the wrong thing, or whatever. I have spent so long trying to be right, well 'not-wrong' that I am afraid of it


_________________________
"There is always hope."

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#144073 - 03/05/07 02:37 AM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS) [Re: SaberCat]
AshSurvived Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Australia
I'm glad you've decided to take the step to the big board so early, it's a really big one to actually post your feelings there, especially as I know where you're coming from. I still feel that way. I live near a highschool and I am really careful about not being outside or visible in the windows during the times kids might be around. Cos I just 'know' I'm going to get accused of something and carted off to prison to share a cell with you. It's crazy, but I do still feel like that,.... and it shouldn't, but it still does surprise me when someone names precisely what I'm feeling here.

I think a lot of old timers here understand that we need to vent, and also understand that your views are about where you are now. I thought I would get totally crucified for posting my last story, but I didn't. And there's plenty of really offensive stuff in there, but people somehow saw me behind that and said I was OK, and that has meant everything this week.

But, I have been crucified before, mainly in the F&F forum, so I avoid that one unless I have something really useful to share.

_________________________
"It's your world Dave, I'm just livin' in it"

- Harvey Pekar to David Letterman
(American Splendour)

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