Why were your other family members not slapping your "mother" in the FACE and telling her to put some clothes on you!!

That was terrible!!

Well I don't know what else to say except that you're good guy Jeff, even though you had to go through THAT.

Is your "mother" still alive?

Thanks Dale and Hauser

Yes - my mother is still alive

she completely refuses to acknowledge that she has ever done anything wrong to me - the rest of the family stands behind her in that - they all say that I am making a big deal out of nothing - they say that all of the things done where just a 'normal' part of growing up in a poor farming community - they all say she did the best she knew how to do

that christmas did not seem to bother the relatives much (they were all mom's side of the family) - they were looking and touching - even perp uncle was there to get some free touches in while pointing out where all he dots where that could not easily be seen - I was too sick to fight back or even care

Yes - they are all a very dysfunctional group...

TJ,

One of the guy's Mothers actually apologized for being such a disciplinarian...read, abusive. That could go along way with you, I'm sure. No one should have mothers like that.

What I wanted to add to this thread speaks directly to what you started with...the thoughts of being uncomfortable with or not appreciating one's maleness. One night in group, our therapist asked us to make positive comments about our penises. Well, after the laughter and a few jokes, the room became silent. The point that he obviously was making is that a lot of us are uncomfortable being male. You'd be surprised how many of us would rather use stalls than stepping up to the urinals; some of us called it, "penis shy." The effects of childhood sexual abuse can run deep and wide when it comes to being male. How about those showers after PE classes or intramural sports? For some of us it was nearly unbearable. So when our group therapist asked us to make positive comments about our penises, he knew exactly how difficult that was going to be for some of us.
While our discussion ended up with some fairly positive statements about the male organ, it certainly began with all of the negative things that we were made to think about ourselves. Most of us felt that we were betrayed by one of the most important life producing elements of being male. I think that most of us left group that night with a renewed appreciation for ourselves and for those attributes that make us male.
When we were first married, I remember thanking my wife for making me feel like the stud I’ve always wanted to be. I hope that you will find someone who will always make you feel like the man you are.

Strength and courage,

David

Hi TJ, yep I have always hated my dick. It always wants to come up at the wrong time. While that don't happen as often now, it sometimes dribbles juice down my leg when I get turned on. Thanks dick! Thanks a fucking lot!
If I had been born a girl, I am sure I would have had other problems, but I wouldn't have had those problems.

Take care,
Clifford

TRIGGER WARNING!!! TRIGGER WARNING!!! TRIGGER WARNING!!!TJ jeff - For years I was ashamed of the way my mom treated me - much as yours did to you. That shame and hatred really runs deep. My mom beat me (about 5 years old or less, not in school yet)with a 'cat-o-nine-tails' for some little thing I'd done. When the neighborhood ladies (about 6-7) came over for their coffee/tea, she stood me on a chair in the kitchen, had me strip naked and turn around naked so the ladies could see the welts and "how bad a boy I was". About the same age I caught my penis when closing a drawer (no, I'm not XXXX like a horse) because I'm not convinced I was the one who closed the drawer. She put ice on it. I was naked on the couch and "every, single person" who entered the house "had to come see what a stupid thing (I) did"! The worst was she told that story every oppotunity she had to my friends until I was 13. I think I know the feeling, TJ. I'm sorry you had to endure that emotional torture and humiliation!! I am glad you can talk about it and get it out. My parents both never, ever would accept any responsibility for these things in my childhood.

Howard

Thank You David, Clifford, and Howard

I know I have come a long ways since this post first started - still hard to say anything "good" about my penis though

Yes - my girlfriend makes me feel good about being a man (but we hav'nt done anything sexual yet - and I know that there have been problems in the past with perfomance - I hope that does not happen again)

Howard - Thank You for sharing so openly - I know how hard it is to talk about (my mother has done other things I hav'nt shared yet too) - I am horrified by what your mother done to you - it angers me greatly that the other neighborhood ladies did not report her to the authorities - and just from the way you said it - I can imagine that the drawer accident was no accident (I had lots of those "accidents" too) - how can anyone possibly think it ok to do such to a kid??? - my folks don't take any responsibility either - they just say they done the best they could... - I just say they did'nt really care at all... - they still don't...

TJ jeff

TJ jeff - Thanks for your support! It still encourages me that I am not alone and that someone else can understand the pain our mother's caused to such a small, defenseless guy! Thanks again!!

Howard

HI JEFF,

When i was about 12 years old i had tthe same feelings but then i realized that i am proud to be a guy because think of it..U dont want to be a girl because

1. U dont have to go through the pain of haveing a baby.(not to disrespect woman)

2. We dont have to deal with periods

3. We dont have to deal with always keeping track of whereing tampons lol

I soud like my school councle when i told her about my abuse she would always use the words penis and anal and i was like so uncomfortble lol..but ya therse alot more reasons trust me... i felt the same way =)

Sorry TJ jeff - I don't have a clear answer - But I could *really* use one ...

I have wished I could be a girl for as long as I can remember. I was molested by my cousin when I was 3/4, he was 10/11. I started having "Cross Dressing" fantasies at 8 and was actually doing it at 13. By 15 I was convinced I was supposed to be a female not a male. Nothing seemed to make the fantasies stop. There was a lot of pain during this time.

I've always had problems sexually. I remember being *so* embarrassed by my erection that I wondered "How am I supposed to have sex and not let the woman see it?" I've never hated or felt bad about just my parts, I felt that I was *completely* worthless because I was male. And NOTHING I could ever do would make me completely "OK." Only girls could possibly be "OK." I still have problems with having sex - I'm emotionally there, but very little physically. Its been this way my whole life.

Its been over 35 yrs since I was molested. I'm still struggling with who I am. I've had these fantasies for so long that it really doesn't seem out of the ordinary to think of my self as a girl. (Even my screen name is a play on this: SaberCat comes from Saber KATE) To me, this is a clever compromise. I mean I can have my feelings but no one would know. Saber comes from fencing, but this is moving off-topic.

I am married and have a teenage daughter. But I still fantasize about being a girl. (BTW: I use the term girl because I alway see MYSELF as a girl (14 - 18) as opposed to a woman.) I don't want to change my life. A divorce, being transgender, or gay aren't it for me. It took many years of therapy to get back on the right track.

But, I'm still feeling really confused inside. There are some things that have helped my feelings about myself, but the basic feeling is still there. I'll post them, but first I need to think about how to say them because its like scooping fish out of a murky pond.

Any thoughts?

Saber(Kate), this is a truly courageous first post. What you said about beng 'OK' if you were a girl really resonates with me too. I envy women their expressiveness and their seeming right to be stupid. I wish I could be that self-indulgent, but so many things women do seem abhorrent to me, yet I am secretly envious. The obsessions with fashion, trash media and gossip and generialised superficiality, but it looks like so much fun.

I can't relate to actually wanting to be female like transgenders or even transvestites either, but I do wear allegedly female clothing sometimes, not that anyone would know unless I pointed out that my pants came from the women's rack in a certain store.

I hope you do decide to put your feelings down, maybe you shouldn't organise them too much. I'm learning to be less rigid and logical and let my feelings come out a little more, as I do I slowly become more ME and therefore less envious of women, who have that ability taught to them, whereas I have to learn it on my own, which fucking sucks to be perfectly honest.