Well then there are always these wonderful drugs that make it impossible for me to orgasm. Funny, they call them antidepressants. Do you know how depressing it is not to be able to "finish"? Grrrrr!
Broken

Reality,
As a kid I too hardly ventured out, as I feared being attacked by men, I suspected them all, they were all eyeing me. I felt like as a girl would. Living in that constant fear. May be I was looking out for my abuser, someone who would love me again. I never found love just abuser.

This language of abuse in love is what I am trying to heal and unlearn now, so that I can love my self completely and without the fear of being hurt.

Lostcowboy, I agree with you that my frustration was my penis not performing as per my control. It never did. Neither during abuse or later. It is a sensivitive organ that responds to stimuli as someone rightly pointed out.

But when I blocked that stimuli with fear of performance, it didnt work.

It was a pure case of stage fright. Like a child who can sing best when relaxed, and not when he knows that his every move is being scrutinised and that he will be judged for the performance.

Failure of penis to perform is not failure of manhood.

Because Manhood is in head and not in the trousers.

During puberty and late adolesecence I had many moments where I wanted to hack it off. The erections where enmbrassing but what was worse was the fact that I was thinking about the abuse or my abuser. If I wanked off then I felt terribly guilty and hated myself more. And I was so focused on sex it was all I could think about. So it was just a vicious cycle - get worked up, wank, feel guilty, think about the abuse, get worked up... and on an on. I had terrible self-esteem issues because of it and my teen years and early twenties were just miserable. Sometimes, I think the abuse would have happened even if I had been a girl. I'm not saying it was fate but given the circumstances of my life - it just probaly would have happened regardless of my gender.

I don't want to go into detail right now, but just agree with the general mood of the thread. Just giving my "Been there, felt that." kind of support.

Just wanted to say thanks to all who have replied since I last posted - it helps knowing that others are having the same sorts of problems - I've always felt like some kind of sexual freak - Now I know and understand that the feelings are just stemming from the abuse

Jeff, I found this post in your profile because of something you said about school bullying that I related to today.

I have had this feeling for a long time, I acted out in masochistic ways and through internet female domination forums. I also used to wish I was a girl because I would be priveleged and entitled and free from all the types of abuse. For me it was because my abusers were straight females and I knew they wouldn't touch girls.

Also reading your thread I can see a lot of people have left and I can see this place used to be a lot nicer. I feel as though this forum has its own baggage now in comparison to the old days, there's a very different vibe, less warmth and more fatigue and wariness.

When I mentioned my issues around castration fantsies and that sort of thing I was almost thrown from the train by someone in chat, and they talked about another guy who had been reported to the mod and banned previously.

I would like to be able to talk about this issue. My abuse centered on my genitals and my cousin talked a lot about castration and went through mock procedures while getting off with me in her bedroom when I was about 5, and probably earlier. I also picked up much anti male sentiment from my domineering ultra-conservative mother.

I came very close to permanently damaging myself in my teens and I'm glad I stopped. As I deal with my abuse these particular issues are subsiding but they are still there and few people can relate to them. I was also kicked and beaten in my testicles a lot and I came to like it so much that when I was married I couldn't have sex with my wife unless she threatened me and beat me there as hard as she could. Up till now I've just been a sorry isolated pervert, but I am beginning to remember and understand.

Please discuss this with me, I need to know others have similar experiences. I want to move on and leave this preverted rubbish behind.

Ash,
One of the aspects of site like this is that the stream of pain coming new every day never stops. The new guys especially have a lot of pain and lash out when they feel threatened either imaginary or real. The use of the word 'triggers' is a good one. Reactions are un-thought, emotional responses. I often wish chat were not available to guys who are new here for this very reason - of course, it's a great and immediate help to guys in pain when they find help. So it definitely has its place. But as you have seen, chat can be a scary place. Most guys in pain, don't have the tools to simply ignore something they don't like. They feel hurt, they lash out. You mentioned mutilation, guys went crazy - it was a trigger. They should not have done that, but remember they are just lashing out at something that scares them even to think about. They are not equipped to emotionally separate themselves from it and so they get triggered.
The boards are FULL of loving, supportive guys who will become real friends. I would strongly suggest that you PM Ken Singer and post this stuff in At Risk Survivors. It is MUCH calmer in there and full of guys who struggle with everything from acting out, drugs, self abuse - you name it. In chat, find someone you trust and private IM them so the more triggery guys don't bother you. I was in there the night this happened. It was not pretty, but reasoning has little effect on pure emotional panic.
One more thing...if you can afford it, posting on the members side is a lot calmer as well.
Take care of yourself. You have grown even in the time you've been here.
Paul

Hi Ash,

Paul makes a very good point in that this is not an issue that I ever felt that I could talk of in the chatroom - I knew it would be too triggering for some people in there - that is why I posted it here and put a trigger warning on it - that way it gives persons the choice to be able to not read it if they think they might easily be triggered - yes, it is something that can be talked about though (I do not know about the person who was banned as you said - but I am sure there was more to it than most people knew) - it is a serious problem many of us who have been abused have felt

I am glad to say that since I started this post many things have changed in my life and I honestly don't hate my male parts as much anymore

anything you need to talk about - I am always just a PM away - and in a PM there is no chance of triggering others...

TJ jeff