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#131782 - 02/11/05 06:20 AM Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS)
TJ jeff Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3362
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
I've hesitated/worried over this post for a while now - but it's eating away at me - so I must really need to post this - hope there are others who understand...

Ever since I can remember I've always hated the fact that I was born w/ male parts hanging between my legs

I've spent much time trying to understand and get to the root of this inner feeling of hatred towards my sexual parts (and yet the feeling is still there wich leads to actions I need to stop)

I was sexualy abused by a male at a very young age - so I am sure that is where part of the hatred comes from (in his 'games' he often used my own body parts against me - such as: You got hard so you must want it / it feels good does'nt it?)

I think that the rest of it comes from physical/mental abuseing mother - I can remember her saying to me (and many of her friends - and even some relatives) that I was supposed to be a girl and that she wishes I'd never been born (remember one of her discipline sessions where I spun around and she continued on my front side saying "I'll beat that dirty little thing right off your body")

I been trying to get past these feelings - just can't... - dreams/nightmares/flashbacks/re-living the past - all been there with me lately - to much spare time for my mind (not working - shoulder disability) -

Dark thoughts been in my mind too much lately...

Sometimes I just want to hack my 'male' parts off and throw them away (not that I'd ever really do this! - just a re-curring feeling)(does anyone else feel this way?)

Is there any way to get over this feeling? - I've read books, been through T, and yet the feeling is still there (I know ther has to be - just won't come to me... - and is why I am posting here)

TJ jeff

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#131783 - 02/11/05 06:59 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS)
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
TJ,

I'm hoping that you've got a good therapist, and if you don't, that you'll tap into Ken and others here to help you find one.

I don't know if others feel like just chopping the damn thing off, after all, "it is the thing that got us into all of this trouble, isn't it?" But, I sure sense your frustration of growing up with all of that negativity about that which makes you male.

God, I remember those adolescent times when being called on in class as I would be having one of those raging boners, seemingly, just for those occasions. Then, I suppose, I could have joined you in wanting to cutting the damn thing off.

You know that whole bit about, "enjoying it because we got hard," is one of the reasons that we feel so guilty, so responsible for what happened to us.

I remember waking up when my 8th grade teacher had his hands down my pants and I was hard. I wasn't even, "there," and I got hard; talk about feeling betrayed by the damn thing.

Again, I emphsize having a good therapist who knows all of the reasons we put ourselves down for having experienced such abnormal events in our lives. For you see, we did have very normal reactions to those abnormal events.

We are are not abnormal, we are only trying to figure out what happended to us to get our right thinking back, again. I think that it is called recovery.

Peace, TJ, I can't imagine that you could think anything else. I hope that you're proud of that little guy who survived all of that. Hopefully, with the right therapist, you'll be able to recapture the pride and joy of the boy that you were and the confidence in the man that you are.

I'm sorry, but your mother was dead wrong, the shame is hers for not raising her gift of a son, in the manner which would have left him with a sense of pride in his manhood.

We are stronger with you as member here, sharing your story so that others, as well, will be encouraged to open themselves up for healing and recovery.

Thank you, TJ, for your honesty and courage,

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#131784 - 02/12/05 02:04 AM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS)
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
TJ, I'm so sorry.

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#131785 - 02/12/05 06:41 AM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS)
brokentoys Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/04
Posts: 149
Loc: So. California
Hi TJ,
Thanks for the good discussion the other night. Maybe I can return the favor here. Monday I saw my Therapist. Her homework assignment for me the weeks before had been why it is or is not my fault. One of the things on my list was the issue of well if my body reacted, on some level I must have enjoyed it and wanted it. She stopped me and said, now mind you I am paraphrasing because I have the memory of a sieve!:
The body is simply a collection of organs with different parts having different things to do. You were touched, manipulated, whatever, and your body reacted. That does not mean you wanted anything or enjoyed anything. It means your body did what it was supposed to do and was in good working order. It reacted the way it was designed to react under stimulation. End of story. It does not in any way diminish the act of abuse nor does it transfer the blame from the perpetrator to the abused.
She had a lot more to say as I recall. Took her a long time to say it and she used a lot of $10.00 words, but in essence, that was it. I'm not sure if I take any comfort from that. Like you I have often thought I would be better off without it, but here we are. I'm highly allergic to pain (I think it is from that overdose of it growing up) and I'm sure chopping it off would be very painful!
Broken

_________________________
It's easier to go down a hill than up it but the view is much better at the top.

Arnold Bennet

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#131786 - 02/12/05 11:05 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS)
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Broken, I think your T has a good analogy of bodily function response, you have got a good T.

TJ, you find yourself in this situation, I felt like I was a girl when I was abused! I wanted to be a girl, because my mind thought that men only did these things to boys. How confusing was this?
To a young boy, I thought. If I was a girl, then he would not be looking for me, because instinctively I thought that he did not go after girls.
I was so terrified as a kid to go out somedays, I would lock the doors in the summer, shut the windows and bolt all the gates. If I sweltered in the heat it would be better than him coming to get me. If someone opened a door I would close it as soon as I could, see any signs of OCD here, I do.
The wanting to cut it off because it caused so much angst is what I have been through, so you are not alone. You see the penis as the one thing the abuser wanted, you wish you never had one, because if you did not, then he would not have done these things.
Take the guilt and put it where it belongs, on the evil shit who did it, and not yourself,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#131787 - 02/13/05 05:36 AM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS)
TJ jeff Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3362
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Thank You David, Bobby, Broken, and Ste

I've been on a bit of a mental low lately (health problems and lack of money are'nt helping things any)

Have no T to even go to (My old T simply said "we're done - there's nothing more I can do for you" the last time I seen him - so I'll not go back to him)

I've read books (Victims No Longer, Toxic Parents, and all of Dave Pelzers books) - My 'mind' knows that what happened was not my fault - and yet somehow I just 'feel' that somehow things have to be my fault...

Ste - Your line on wanting to be a girl back then and how it might of changed things really got my mind to thinking... - I never 'felt' like a girl from anything he done (I actualy remember him as to make me feel like 'very dirty male') - I honestly don't think that it would of made any diffrence to my Uncle whether I was a boy or girl (I was just a convenient 'outlet' for his sexual exploitations and if I would of had a girls parts he might even of been rougher on me and not let me stop it when I did cause he might of liked doing it more) - I know my Mom always wanted for me to be a girl - and yet "I" don't ever remember myself thinking that I wanted to have a girls parts - I just remember thinking that I wanted to be a boy, but one without a penis or balls (you see - if I had no 'parts' then what would there be to abuse?)

Ugg... - mind is swimming in thought and picture of past things... - but that's all in the past - is'nt it... - why can't I just leave it in the past...

You see... - the 'REAL' problem I have now is that I have such a bad body image that I cannot even perform when with a lady (it's not a physical thing cause it performs well when I'm alone) - as soon as she touches it or even says anything about it the thing goes into hideing and will not respond - I've been without a girl for a long time now cause of this... - am trying hard to come out of my hermit like ways - trying hard to make friends in this area where I live - most simply cannot understand why I am not married and have no kids at my age - all say I am the 'type' of guy who would make great husband and Dad - and yet 'all' of those same people know nothing of my past and the problems I struggle with that keep me single... - I feel like such a phony to these people... - and yet I am sposed to be their friend...

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#131788 - 02/13/05 06:40 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS)
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
TJ, I never wanted to be a girl, it was the same as you. Having boy parts was conditioned from abuse. The kid thinks that the abuse would never have happened if he didn't have boy parts.
It is terrible confusion for a kid to go through. You will get there I am sure.
I hope you can find a girl, there must be many out there who are looking for a guy like you, and hope you get the family you deserve,

take care,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#131789 - 02/13/05 08:00 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS)
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
TJ Jeff and other guys! Many of us hate our male genitals because of the abuse. Sometimes it is because of "those things" we feel we were abused. If they weren't there we'd be safe. So instead of blaming the perp so much we blame ourselves (our genitals).

Sometimes it is an attempt to control the situation. If I take those parts off THEN I will control never getting abused again. The loss of control is attempted to be established by our controlling all aspects of the situation. Often we also blame being in the wrong location (If I had not gone there, disobeyed my parents, etc. then this would not have happened) or if I had worn something different (clothes, shorts, etc) then this would not have happened. The reality is that they picked us as victims because of their own needs. We had nothing or did nothing or wore nothing that encouraged or "made" the abuse happen.

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#131790 - 02/19/05 10:59 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS)
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Ivanhoe, the raging boner in class, on the bus, the train, in the street.

I was prepubic when it happened, but it super-sexed my psyche.

Getting the boner had nothing to do with sex at first, but I would just be so embarrassed in class.

Getting a boner on transport was when I fantasised about a girl, so I made sure I did not look at a girl ten minutes before I got off, did not always work as any teen will tell you, so I often had to get off and walk back.

ScottyTodd, I know it is incensed in us to blame our male parts for the abuse, but it is an incredibly strong feeling when you are just a kid, to get over that one. I know that I have wanted to just cut it off, because it was the focus of all the hurt in the child.

I let the child now know, that I love him, and thank him for being so strong. I get to know off you guys just how strong the kid has been.

thanx,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#131791 - 02/20/05 07:32 AM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS)
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi TJ, you said,
Quote:
You see... - the 'REAL' problem I have now is that I have such a bad body image that I cannot even perform when with a lady (it's not a physical thing cause it performs well when I'm alone) - as soon as she touches it or even says anything about it the thing goes into hiding and will not respond!
What types of thoughts are running around in your head at that time? It could be that you are worrying about something so much that it is stopping you from functioning.

When I was so lucky to have a girl that wanted to have sex with me, the first 20 or more times, I did not have a orgasm. It turned out that I was so worried about hurting her down there, that I was moving to slowly to have a orgasm.

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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