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#131778 - 02/03/05 02:36 PM Hi
OnHold Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/02/04
Posts: 10
Loc: Raleigh, NC
I've been thinking about posting on here for a while and for one reason or another I'm just now getting around to it. Some of you may already know my story from the chat room; but I'll try to start from the beginning anyway. Obviously I am struggling with the same things you guys are in the uniqueness of my own context.

My abuse: I don't know went it started --- I think I was 8-10 years old. It contunied periodically till I was 16 or 17. It wasn't violent or as invasive as many stories I've heard. I and I feel a strange sense of "luck" (?) about that. It was only touching. My abuser was an uncle who is metally delayed. Through most of the abuse, he was probably not much older than myself cognativly.

Everything else: I don't remember how old I was when I first realized that I was physically attracted to men. I went to a private school that covered from 4yo Kindergarten to 12th grade. I think I must have been in middle school (maybe younger); but there was a guy in my school, who was older, that I remember not being able to take my eyes off of. I bring that up only because I can't remember if that was before or after the abuse started --- and maybe that would make a difference.

I was also attracted to girls. Never to the same level as my physical attraction to guys, but there was something. I always imagined long-term relationships with women (along with sex) and thought mostly about sex with guys.

I came close to having sex with a male friend of mine near the end of high school. But it never happened. I didn't date much up through college. And, actually, never had sex. Heck, I never even kissed anyone.

In college I had a crush on a girl that never went anywhere. I asked her out... but I think what I did was really fumble things mostly. Anyway we remained simply friends.

All through college, however, I also wrestled with a growing sense of attraction to guys. Again it was only a physical attraction that I never acted on, at least not in person. As the internet blossomed, I started hanging out in gay chat rooms and looking at pics of men. Before I had only seen hetro porn, I liked it, but I knew I watched the guys more than the girls.

I thought I was bi and that it was only because (through the SA) I had a sexual experince with another guy that I had these feelings at all. I mean, after all, they were mostly physical attractions. Nothing emotional.

I got married at 26. I love my wife. I was able to develope a strong emotional connection with her. We didn't have sex until we got married. I don't know how to describe it, except to say it left a lot to be desired --- for both of us I think. I have seemed to be disconnected since our wedding night. Our sex life has been sparse (its non-existant now after only 5 years of marriage).

And something else happened, something unsolicited and unexpected. I became friends with a guy, who I can't even begin to describe how he makes me feel. The best I can put it is that he overwhelms me. Its not just a physical attraction.

I've been reading the posts on here... "How can I tell if I am gay or its just the SA?" And I have heard most of you guys say that what you think about is sex with another guy --- not the relationship part, not life together, as it were. But I can't stop thinking about both with this guy - sex, yes (he's a great looking guy) but I want the friendship/companionship, hanging out, talking, all the emotional connections.

My wife knows what I am going through (not all the details about the attraction to another guy) --- but she does know about the SA and the confusion. We almost got divorced 2 years ago because of my disconnectedness. We have been in therapy since then. It was then I told her about the SA. In November I told her that I was really wrestling with sexual identity.

November was a real low for us, and me. I cycled out of it a bit and have felt ok; but I can tell I am slipping back down.

So that's me. I'm headed to therapy this afternoon, feeling quite broken. And I just felt like I needed to write out some things. Thanks for reading.

Peace,
OnHold


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#131779 - 02/03/05 08:28 PM Re: Hi
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
On Hold. I hear your pain. When I needed pain I turned to men and that would also entail sex. I married my wife when I was 26. almost five years after being a male hustler. Sex has been difficult for me but I love her now for all the right reasons.
I hope through therapy that you can find answers.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#131780 - 02/08/05 05:54 PM Re: Hi
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Hold On - Thanks for posting! That first step sometimes take a while but, I find, worth it! Your post is not dissimilar to my case. I was sexually and physically abused from 5 through 13 ywears old; exclusively homosexual from 14 through 21 years old; bisexual and married at 23. Aftter 35 years of marriage and three grown children and a grandson - I feel very close to my wife but still find males an attraction. I am faithful to my marriage.

For a time I felt my issues stemmed from my abuse. For a time I felt it stemmed from being born this way. There are many phases I past through. In their own sense, they are all correct. How! That story is too long for here!! Gender identity is a very complex journey and not so cut and dried as many would like us to believe. It is also under studied and not well understood. The reason to find out the why is to FIX IT! I find it not so important to find out the why but how do I express my sexuality authentically and remain true to myself. I am who and what I am...now I need to live my life as best I can. That I feel great satisfaction in doing!

I hope this helps, Hold On! If I can help in your journey, I'm here!!

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#131781 - 02/10/05 01:57 AM Re: Hi
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
Dear On Hold, Think we should form some sort of support group for those of us who are in that same struggle. I really think I'm gay, but I really think I'm in love with my wife. I didn't think that was supposed to be possible, but there you are. I had absolutely no gay thoughts (That I know of...I keep going back over my adolescence in search of gay moments, but can't find any.) until I went to college.

I hope this doesn't offend, but I remember my first gay night. I looked at "Playboys" and enjoyed the fold outs. There was this one redhead with unbelievable breasts that I will remember until the day I die. (She's probably in her seventies now, but I try not to think about what has happened to them.) I masturbated to those lovely ladies many times, being at my sexual peak so they tell me. Then, one night, instead of thinking about a girl, I thought about a cute boy. I don't know why I thought about a cute boy...I just did. The orgasm I had that night was about twice as intense as any I had ever had before. I couldn't believe it. I was bewildered...confused. But I could never go back to sexual fantasies about women again, even though I tried as hard as I could. I still try from time to time as some sort of test, I guess.

I had a couple of male crushes in college, but never took action on them. My roommate actually (I think.) had some sort of sex with another guy in our room one night. I'm not sure...it was dark and I didn't want to know. But, I had a couple of crushes on girls in college too.

when I was about your age, I told my wife that I thought I might have homosexual tendencies (That's what we called them in the dark ages.) and she didn't say much about it. Then about three years after that, I went to see a t because my tendencies were still active...more so, really. He said I was fine and we should have another baby.

And now here I am an old man...still with homosexual tendencies, still wondering which I am, still having only had one male sexual experience, which was more like abuse than an experience. I will probably go to my grave wondering if I'm gay and thinking that the grave digger with the blonde hair has a really cute little ass. I have about decided that I won't act on it, but oh how I long to experience gay sex just one time before I die...and not just wham, bam, thank-you, maam; but real tender, loving gay sex.

Now see, there you went and got me started again. sigh. I've said all this before here. I don't feel sorry for poor little ole me...just frustrated as hell and angry because I don't see what harm a little ole romp in the hay with a cute guy would do...just one time. I have no shame.


PS: I really do take this seriously and know what you're going through....really know. If you ever need to talk...I'm here. Bobby

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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