Hello i am new here and am searching for answers.
I have recently fallen into a deep depression after a heavy night of drink. it was quickly followed by anxiety and i think paranoya. I fell into a depression so quick and was convinced i was gay. like a cold sweat all over my body i made myself get sick and those two days just after christmas have been the worst of my life. anxiety followed and within the last two weeks i have pulled myself back to some reality.
I have the most beautiful girlfriend who i love and would hope to spend the rest of my life with her. I have never been sexually abused and have never had gay thoughts and i constantly check women out but feel more like a pervert. My dad left home when i was ten but we always keep in contact.
However, i have never been able to rise to the occasion with my girl, all goes well but then i get nervous and chicken out. i was single for two years before and have kised plenty of girls but normally never could go ahead with bringing them home. in 1999 to 2001 i was with my girlfriend we broke up for two years like i just mentioned and now are back together within the last 7 months.
My fantasys i have had since i was 14 or 15 are still with me. women who overpower men, wrestling etc. i feel there is something wrong with me, i am ashamed and since last summer a gay slur has made me start thinking and another which i believe is directed to me at christmas. now i am starting to believe i am. i feel better in general but am begining now to think about guys looks and bodies but i am not sure if it is paranoya or what. i am staying away from alcohol and cigs because i think i will be more paranoid.
i get anxious quickly in crowds. So is it me, my fantisies,or am i really in love with my girlfriend or is it my parents separation. i am a 23 yr old virgin and so is my girlfried.thats maybe why we are still together. she loves me so much and the idea of coming out is destroying me inside.
please help, i had even thought of suiside before.
I just want to be me again.
i am a very outgoing and friendly person.