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#131743 - 02/09/05 07:39 PM Re: On 'being gay'
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
Quote:
Originally posted by Morning Star:
As a child the first time I felt loved and sexually potent was at the same time. SO this wrong cross connection has been guiding my journey so far. I got love as male sexual attention. And concluded that was love was all about. Easy.

As I grew up I reenacted that same technique, repeatedly. I even tried exhibitionism when everything failed to get male attention. I felt powerful when I saw myself attractive. Not impotent and unable to attract love as I felt as a child.

Sex with men, or fantasizing became the easiest way to feel loved. Because that was the first time I felt loved as child. So even now when I am feeling low, I start acting as a child, I go to gay porn sites and feel loved instantly. I like to see men who are willing to ‘open up’ themselves up to me…as I did. That is why porn is so addictive, you are addicted to love. Love at the click of a button! What power and control, make anyone love you, strip for you.

My guide asked me to explore it further. That is when I realized an interesting thing, after a while I no longer felt the need to take it further, masturbate. Unless I was highly love deficient....

I am human and I need love. And when I don’t feel loved I go back to the same mechanism I learnt as a child. I replay it, again and again.

I know there must be better way to get love than in childhood patterns.

May be when I learn to love myself, I will also learn to receive love. And my endless seeking would end too.

\:\)
I'm new here. I stumbled upon your post through a search engine, and I'm absolutely floored. I could have written what you wrote.

I have been fighting the eternal cycle in the search for love all of my life since the abuse. I drift into the mode of having to be attractive, and you're right. It's a way of believing I have power this time. And in the neverending search for the perfect web image, it's the search for that guy who loves me. It sounds nutty--it's entirely fiction, but then that's what abuse does to a person. The only way to win "this time" is to create an ending that can only be fictional.

Thanks for posting. I think all of us feel, at one time or another, that there can't possibly be anyone out there feeling this way.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#131744 - 02/10/05 07:26 PM Re: On 'being gay'
KirkVin Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/10/05
Posts: 1
Loc: UK
Hi

This is a very interesting thread. I have just come to this web site and was going to post on this subject. I was abused by two different men while at boarding school, and soon after that one of the older boys started abusing me also, I was 10 a the time. Over the next couple of year I started to instigate immature sexual gratification with boys of my own age. When I left school was I confused I had a couple of female relationships but fantasized about men a lot. I was also very envious of gay men who had come out, as I thought that was me. Over the years I came to terms with the abuse realised I was not gay with the male fantasy happening very rarely. I am now married and 3 year's ago my wife and I had are first child. She went through server postnatal depression so a very active sex life pretty much came to a holt. We are having sex now but still very rarely, so I do not feel as sexual attached to her as I did before the birth of my first child. What's happening now is that I fantasy about gay sex all the time. On the occasions we are having sex I find it really hard to get into the man woman sex thing and am really worried about these effects. In some of the fantasy I think about the older boy abusing me, I have also started questing my sexuality again, even though I thought I had worked it out. Do you think that I am now associating my abuse with love as I am missing the close contact with my wife.


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#131745 - 03/04/05 10:42 PM Re: On 'being gay'
self_righting Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/05
Posts: 69
Loc: Tampa, FL
This is an important but very difficult topic. I was reading the posts above and have come to realize that I am not alone in my problems with sexual identity. I don't know why, but it never ocurred to me how much the abuse tainted my sexuality. Like many of you, I find myself fixated on images that resemble my abuser and acting out in ways that later make me ashamed. I always assumed I was bisexual but now I am beginning to question that assumption. It just has been a part of me for so long I figured it was just who I am. Like many of you, I have no emotional attraction to males but the sexual isses seem endless. I'm glad I came here. This stuff is so painful... Think I'm gonna go have a good cry and come back and read some more.


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#131746 - 03/05/05 09:28 AM Re: On 'being gay'
bda Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/18/04
Posts: 26
Loc: North Carolina
Thanks for this open and honest discussion! It feel good to know and be known.

In reading Ken's post, I was deeply appreciative, but also felt like a significant point might be missing. I'm one of those that identify as gay (at least for the most part). My perp used my already exisitant questions about my sexuality as an entry point towards earning my trust. It was precisely in establishing himself as the one adult who could "handle" my being gay that he moved into my inner circle.

I guess my thought is that regardless of how we end up, kids struggling with sexual identity questions are particulalry at risk. Not that all SA survivors were struggling with those questions before, but certainly those of us who were being bullied and/or isolated on the playground in some pretty obvious ways made for easy targets to be exploited.

I don't mean to push a cause here, but it riles me that the church, and Boy Scouts, and all kinds of other groups continue to create cultures of silence around sexual identity that set kids up to look for affirmation wherever they can get it. Also please know that I'm nowhere close to meaning or implying ANY linkage between sexual orientiation/identity and abusers. That's not my point -- I just know from my story and stories of other men that our lack of safe spaces made us vulnerable to abusers seeking boys.

I just wish that part of the story got out there more -- that open and safe conversations about sexuality and sexual identity diffuse the power of the exploiters.

_________________________
Unbind him, and let him go.

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#131747 - 03/05/05 03:58 PM Re: On 'being gay'
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
BDA wrote:
Quote:
I'm one of those that identify as gay (at least for the most part). My perp used my already exisitant questions about my sexuality as an entry point towards earning my trust. It was precisely in establishing himself as the one adult who could "handle" my being gay that he moved into my inner circle.

I guess my thought is that regardless of how we end up, kids struggling with sexual identity questions are particulalry at risk. Not that all SA survivors were struggling with those questions before, but certainly those of us who were being bullied and/or isolated on the playground in some pretty obvious ways made for easy targets to be exploited.
This is an important piece of information. While those who "knew" that they were gay before being abused can say they have always been gay, what about those who experience sexual attractions to males AFTER the abuse?

What would you say to men in that category? Maybe if their sexual behaviors are re-enactmenmts of the abuse, one can be more certain it is a reaction to the abuse and not true orientation?

What about those whose same sex behaviors are self-defeating (i.e., picking partners who abuse them physically or emotionally)?

How about those who see themselves as bisexual or attracted (not necessarily in behaviors) to both genders?

This is a fascinating area to explore. I would welcome any input for the book, if you are willing to contribute to this discussion. Again, no information identifying anyone would be used beyond, "A survivor writes..." or "Another survivor said...."

Ken


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#131748 - 03/05/05 09:17 PM Re: On 'being gay'
bda Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/18/04
Posts: 26
Loc: North Carolina
I don't want to negate the experience of other voices in this conversation, and hope that my comments aren't perceived that way. Please forgive me if that's how they read. I have certainly spent years trying to figure out where I stand on my own sexual identity -- mostly around accepting responsiblity for the SA because I (though rather tentatively) identified myself as gay to my perp and somehow therefore deserved what I got. That thinking sure led to a few years fo therapy!

My concern is less about those of us who have --or had -- some sense clarity about sexual identity before the SA, but rather all the boys who are at risk because they are perceived to be gay.

Our homophobic culture alienates and isolates those boys so that whether or not they ever would have or ever do self-identify as gay, they're particularly vulnerable to attention from adult men. If you're not the "right kind of boy," then your experience of adult men likely ranges from ambivalence to repulsion. So boys who don't play the boy game well, regardless of their budding sexual identities, are targets of homphobic harassment, thus increasing their vulnerablities, thus making it pretty easy for a perp to move in.

I hope that this is making sense and I'm not just over-generalizing my own experience. My biggest frustration is that institutions have all too often responded to crises relating to the SA of boys by reinforcing homophobic ideologies, ironically perpetuating the circumstances that put at least some of those boys at risk in the first place.

I'll try and step off my soap box, now. I am deeply grateful for this community and all the men whose varied experiences give it such depth.

Peace,
Brian

_________________________
Unbind him, and let him go.

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#131749 - 03/06/05 07:30 AM Re: On 'being gay'
yesac76 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/23/04
Posts: 508
Loc: Idaho
I just wish I knew whether I was gay or straight. I sm just SO confused about it!

Casey

_________________________
"You live it or lie it" Metallica

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#131750 - 07/04/06 01:01 AM Re: On 'being gay'
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Just thought I would bump this up, for some of the new guys.

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#131751 - 07/06/06 03:43 PM Re: On 'being gay'
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Clifford,

It's a good idea you refloated this one. There's a lot of good stuff in here.

Just a small point I would like to add: Abuse has a catastrophic impact on the sense of sexual boundaries a boy is developing in childhood. It not only messes up what is already there, it also substitutes a lot of fears and terrible self-judgments for the healthy feelings and emotions that a boy SHOULD be building up. My point is that if a survivor is confused, there is absolutely no surprise in that.

On the old chestnut of "Am I gay?", "Am I straight?", I think that takes us nowehere because gay and straight aren't the opposites of each other - there are so many variations and shades of sexual orientation.

Why not just say "I am me"? I think that's just fine so long as I can answer yes to these questions:

1. Am I being honest with myself when I think about my sexuality?

2. Am I having a happy and fulfilling sex life?

3. Am I honest and responsible in my attitudes towards others?

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#131752 - 07/07/06 03:58 PM Re: On 'being gay'
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
It was helpful to read this thread again. How interesting to read my first post again. This was the thread that brought me here.

I've come so far since then, but I still fight the fight that made me choose "foreverfighting" as a name. Maybe I need to get "You're just looking for love" tattood backwards on my forehead. For so many of us, it has absolutely nothing to do with sex. It's the way we learned to be comforted, held, accepted without anything to hide behind. Of course, this is a site about being molested as a child, so the whole dream is a lie demonstrated to us by selfish perverts. But it's what we learned.

A friend of mine is terrified of water. When she was not even two years old, she came back from an irrigation ditch without her slightly older cousin who was later found drowned in that ditch. She doesn't remember that. She was too young. But she's afraid of water.

How much of what we are is beyond our consciousness? How much of the self-loathing I fight is a pattern of neurons in my head arranged by a man beating his crying infant black and blue? How many years of compulsively masturbating in the woods until I cried is because my uncle acted like he loved me in those woods? And how many web pages full of photos I dispise have I searched trying to find the me I am supposed to be in order to be loved, the hand that will reach out to me and tell me I'm OK?

I wonder how much was done to me that I will never remember. And I wonder how I'm supposed to end the war with an enemy who no longer exists?

This isn't about "gay" or "straight". This is about abuse and how it shoves all of us into a gray area we are unable to identify and find so difficult to change.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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