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#131733 - 01/13/05 01:56 AM Re: On 'being gay'
Glen Offline
Member

Registered: 12/14/04
Posts: 71
Loc: Wisconsin
This topic has brought up a question. I fantasize about women and there breasts but it never causes an erection. But when I think of my penis I can get hard? I have been with a man but can never have an orgasm. But I am too scared to date a woman for fear I would not get hard. Does this sound weird? I dated this girl my freshman year in college she came on to me really aggressive one night I felt like a fool cause I couldnt get it in and I couldnt maintain an erection in fact I got a panic attack. So what does this mean? I was abused by my older sister. And I maintained an erection much to my disgust. whats going on now?

_________________________
Please tell me why..

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#131734 - 01/13/05 06:16 AM Re: On 'being gay'
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
At 33, I still look like a child. Talk of Arrested Development. Probably The reason I attracted lot of gay attention, and of course girls.

I behave like a child, with childish tantrums intact, my responses are not immature, especially when I canít pretend grown up, especially when I am angry or upset.

I am most myself with children, because that is when I can be myself. Will I ever grow up? Can I ever take off this mask of grown up I have been wearing for so long?

I want to re-experience the childhood that was cut short. So I am still living in it, while the scenery around me has shifted.

Now I want to finally and truly grow up, while regaining my childhood innocence. May be that is what I am still looking for in my childhood facades.

And I know that tiny kernel is still intact somewhere within me, untouched by any abuse, any attack. Because it is beyond it all. For it is eternal and pure. And it is love.

Now I know that why my healing is so connected with my journey towards my Self.

If not for SA I would have never, never looked within. The pain and the chaos constantly pushed me towards my self. To finally find that the essense of all life, lies within my heart.

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#131735 - 01/13/05 08:29 AM Re: On 'being gay'
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
As a child the first time I felt loved and sexually potent was at the same time. SO this wrong cross connection has been guiding my journey so far. I got love as male sexual attention. And concluded that was love was all about. Easy.

As I grew up I reenacted that same technique, repeatedly. I even tried exhibitionism when everything failed to get male attention. I felt powerful when I saw myself attractive. Not impotent and unable to attract love as I felt as a child.

Sex with men, or fantasizing became the easiest way to feel loved. Because that was the first time I felt loved as child. So even now when I am feeling low, I start acting as a child, I go to gay porn sites and feel loved instantly. I like to see men who are willing to Ďopen upí themselves up to meÖas I did. That is why porn is so addictive, you are addicted to love. Love at the click of a button! What power and control, make anyone love you, strip for you.

My guide asked me to explore it further. That is when I realized an interesting thing, after a while I no longer felt the need to take it further, masturbate. Unless I was highly love deficient.

Later I was in relationship with a gay man, who had gradually seduced me (just as the guy in my childhood). After a few months I realized again that after initial cuddling up I felt full, didnít feel the need to take it the next level. And the guy, who was trying hard to making me believe that I was gay or at least sexually confused or ambiguous, ran away.

When I had sex with a woman for the first time, I discovered my instinctive way my love making. Boy was she surprised! As if a great sexual energy was being unleashed, it was my true sexuality which was denied for so long. Just because I had chosen to stick to the quickest way to get love. A way I learn as a child and never bothered to unlearn it. Obviously I was an angry man; my repressed true sexuality was very miffed. ;\)

I am human and I need love. And when I donít feel loved I go back to the same mechanism I learnt as a child. I replay it, again and again.

I know there must be better way to get love than in childhood patterns.

May be when I learn to love myself, I will also learn to receive love. And my endless seeking would end too.

\:\)

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#131736 - 01/15/05 02:14 AM Re: On 'being gay'
SJake Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/07/05
Posts: 6
Loc: Wisconsin
WOW I just started reading these posts recently and this particular subject is exactly what I have been trying to deal with and figure out for myself.

I thought I was alone here that no one else could understand the torement I feel trying to figure out my feelings. I have always refused to accept that I was gay because I was ashamed of those feelings that I felt during the abuse.

But yet I did respond with erection, orgasm, and kept quiet and let it continue for years. But I also never liked being intimate kissing or fondleing or touching, outside of oral sex or masturbation and never really liked anal sex, but I still allowed it to be done to me.

I like and crave the loving fatherly attention I missed out on as child (except for my uncles sex abuse) and always needed a mentor in my life to get approval from. And I think I confused the attention I needed for approval with being gay.
But I am only looking for acceptence from older men.

In the past the only way I found that love and attention was to perform a sexual act for my uncle. Now the only person I want to make love to and cuddle with, and kiss and be close to and intimate with is my girlfriend.

I still crave the acceptance of the male role model type men in my life like (bosses, teachers, mentors etc. And I often fantasize of sex with them, but I have never acted on it or persued it with any of them.

I do visit mature men porn sites but I am repulsed by the intimacy,Hugging, anal sex and kissing they do. So go figure, am I just confused or crazy or is this normal. ???

Thought of the day:
Maybe straight men that have never been abused feel the same as we do, but just don't talk about it or allow them selves the openness of discussing it. Maybe we are the normal ones and are just more in touch with our feelings and who we are then the so called normal straight men.

Can you be straight and not be gay and still just like the physical penis play, Because men know how to perform oral sex on another man better than a women does. And men are more relaxed to acting on the physical pleasure without the pressure of performance issues that we put on ourselves when with our women.

Let me know what you think please, I have struggled with these feelings for so long and thought I was so alone with them for so long.


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#131737 - 01/16/05 01:18 AM Re: On 'being gay'
PhillyPa Offline
Member

Registered: 12/20/04
Posts: 64
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
Hey, Jake. Glad you are here at the forum. Welcome and good luck.
You have something i'm lacking and that is someone to share heterosexual sex with. I am isolated in fright of underperforming or being accused of being gay. Further fear of being dumped - abondened and "left to die".

I am in question, like yourself , about whats normal attraction to be considered gay.
The only comfort I have, is in the fact that I dont relate with the kissing, holding hands, and adoration of the male penis. This is MY POSITIVE step towards the reality that i'm NOT GAY.
Of the "gay male websites" ive seen - few have done anything for me. I'll spend money on these porn pass gay websites and find little offering what gets me going.

As far as the father figure, older male aspect - I relate completely.
I find authority figures, or "those in charge" as the only attraction I have towards same sex. I am especially attracted to guys with more power: bodybuilders, wrestlers, and even comic book characters. To go deeper (**may trigger**), I fantasize about being overpowered and beaten, and eventually molested. I revert to prebusence in scenes inside my mind, and have the worst guilt and shame post-orgasm.


I have found some resources on the web that deal with the issue of pseudo-homosexuality, and have read a book that details the "forensics" of same sex attraction - mostly for males. Ive found myself within the pages of these books. One, in particular called "Coming out straight: Understanding and Healing Homosexuality" by Richard Cohen - points to issues that may have caused same sex attraction such as lack of nurturing same sex parent, difficult peer relationships, and various forms of abuse (including SA).

Despite this, I have been unsuccesfull at finding my heterosexuality. I think I can learn from married, or attached heterosexual men who have been SA but find fulfillment in sex with their partners.

**Possible trigger:
I believe my mother abused the attraction I should have had towards women, out of me. To paint a grimmer picture, she is not the prettiest thing in the world, I often think of her as a Beast.
That being the case, it's difficult to find the petite, angelic, gracious, innocence, caregiving, etc. aspect of woman. Of the woman who I do see possessing all or many of these qualities, I think I must ignore my attraction because I avoid these types of woman by becoming their best friends (if that makes sense, i can explain if you need me to).

Ive got a question to heterosexual (or even bisexual) men who found woman arousing:
The woman I deal with on a daily basis are attractive, and have done things to get my attention. One is well endowed, and i'll find myself drawn to her chest. I'm sure she see's that I look at her - but, I dont know what i'm feeling. Ive blocked that aspect and want it unblocked and will read and listen to your suggestions, to know what to feel. Like, is it arousal that i'm feeling or anger? I get angry thinking about a woman who uses her sexuality to control me. But, is this aspect of woman arousing for you or is there something else. I guess, like I said previously, i'm confused.

Dang, another winded post of mine. I gotta stop posting while in thought. Sorry. :rolleyes:

I look forward to reading Ken Singers book when its ready. Thanks

_________________________
Who is this doing the synthetic type of alpha beta psychedelic funkin?

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#131738 - 01/16/05 01:29 AM Re: On 'being gay'
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Well, what's our, "mantra?" You felt alone, you are not alone, now, and you will never feel alone, again.
That is to say, of course, if you get a room full of men who have been sexually abused as boys, you will get every conceivable feeling and worry that you can imagine.
What does a "normal" boy worry about? You know some of those worries. Now pile on all of the shit that we had to contend with. Is it any wonder that we are not all in some luny bin somewhere?
My therapist talked about what it is for some of us to have had so much adreniline pumped through our systems when we were boys. He spoke of what it does to the brain and how it leads to ADD and a miryiad of other annomalies. Even now, someone sends me a complicated email and I've got to read it several times before I really get what they are talking about.
Can we have erections with the abusers in our lives and not get them and maintain them with the people that we love?
Are we more normal than the normals?
Most of this stuff we have to work out in therapy. And I always thought that meant, in individual therapy. Since I've been in a group of 7 guys, 8, counting the thereapist and I've attended two retreats WITH MEN

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#131739 - 01/16/05 03:13 AM Re: On 'being gay'
Glen Offline
Member

Registered: 12/14/04
Posts: 71
Loc: Wisconsin
Quote:
Originally posted by Ivanhoe:
Well, what's our, "mantra?" You felt alone, you are not alone, now, and you will never feel alone, again.
That is to say, of course, if you get a room full of men who have been sexually abused as boys, you will get every conceivable feeling and worry that you can imagine.
What does a "normal" boy worry about? You know some of those worries. Now pile on all of the shit that we had to contend with. Is it any wonder that we are not all in some luny bin somewhere?
My therapist talked about what it is for some of us to have had so much adreniline pumped through our systems when we were boys. He spoke of what it does to the brain and how it leads to ADD and a miryiad of other annomalies. Even now, someone sends me a complicated email and I've got to read it several times before I really get what they are talking about.
Can we have erections with the abusers in our lives and not get them and maintain them with the people that we love?
Are we more normal than the normals?
Most of this stuff we have to work out in therapy. And I always thought that meant, in individual therapy. Since I've been in a group of 7 guys, 8, counting the thereapist and I've attended two retreats WITH MEN
Holy Cow this is way beyond being important to me.
I have the same problem with ie erections. I thought something was medically wrong with me. You have the same problem? Im not a perv but I need to know is there help for me? Or am I trapped?

_________________________
Please tell me why..

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#131740 - 01/20/05 04:10 PM Re: On 'being gay'
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
Phill, first of all thank you for opening up this topic.
I had another round of hitting a body building websites and attraction is quite similar as yours.
This happens especially when I am feeling powerless. And when I see them stripping for me and smiling at me, giving me male attention, I need, I feel powerful, I feel loved ( as I noticed today) but after a while it subsides..I just do because it gives me a kick.

And yes guilt comes in later but less now. Now my guide has told me avoid that. Just go till you get bored. just dont masturbate, as it would amount to abuse again!!

So much for my Power struggle and my journey to find my authentic power... my strife to find power externally has landed me in trouble, so I better wise up and seek it within and I am sure this will be healed automtically.

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#131741 - 01/21/05 11:11 PM Re: On 'being gay'
Indy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/17/04
Posts: 25
Loc: Indiana
Morning Star

I can identify with what you write. I have visited websites and chat rooms in order to get a "fix" Then
have hated the feeling I got afterwards but nonetheless kept going back. It really was reabuse.
I'm not sure what it does for us-is there some practical reason, like we are trying to get strong enough to learn to fight it off?



Edited by Indy (03/17/07 07:26 PM)

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#131742 - 01/26/05 02:12 AM Re: On 'being gay'
Kraftsims Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/25/05
Posts: 10
Loc: Fort Worth, TX
This thread has helped reinforce what I've believed to be true ever since I first started trying to understand sexual orientation and what has happened to me. Here's my summation...

People have desires, affections, thoughts, etc. Just as we have a stomach that can cause a physical sensation (hunger), it also causes a thought (intangible) to pass through our brains (tangible). People who have addictions feel physical sensations, have affections/attractions/fantasies related to the drug, and so forth.

My point is, the human (as I understand it) is wired throughout for physical, emotional, mental, and (I believe) spiritual experiences. These experiences are real. Some argue the spiritual element isn't so. That's their belief. I believe there is a spiritual dynamic with which humans interact. Just as there are physical, emotional, and mental dynamics that impact us at any given moment.

I'm a believe that we are all searching for truth (explanation about our existance) and come up with our own conclusions. I can't say my conclusion is any better or worse than anyone else's, it is just what is real for me.

After searching and digging for many years, I have come to the conclusion time and again I would rather find some "objective other", something outside of me, to define what is real or not real about me. Why? My feelings, my thoughts, my affections, and my understanding about myself can swing so strongly. If I base my identity on feelings, affections, and physical stimulations, then my identity isn't solid and powerful: it can morph along with my urges, desires, etc.

The only thing that has worked for me is spirituality, finding an 'objective' other that defines who I am. Then it becomes an issue, for me, to try to understand how all humans fit into the paradigm/world view that I have adopted. By that, I mean, it is up to me to persist and pursue knowledge,trying to understand and to figure out how alcoholics, drug addicts, power freaks, the money lovers, sexual perverts, gay, straight, or whatever, fits into the world view I have choosen.

I'm a christian man. I'm not a gay basher, either. I'm not a 'gay' Christian. I'm just a heterosexual christian man who has some problems. My problems are mine, just as a person who rages (or whatever) has their problems. I view sexuality along that continuum of a problem. Not sexuality in general, but sexuality that tries to express itself outside of the original design propogated by orthodox biblical teachings. The straight adulterer, in my understanding, is no different (better or worse) than a person who has sex with men. Someone's affections may line up towards men or women, but to me, I don't let my feelings or affections tell me who I am. That's why I choose the 'objective other' viewpoint of spirituality to help me understand my identity.

Several, if not most, commented somewhere in one of their posts regarding confusion. I was also confused for the absolute longest until last year regarding my sexual attractions (primarily towards men) and how it related to Christianity. I hated the "christian" gay bashers. I just shudder, pray, and ignore them. They're not hate mongers (at least not most of them) in my opinion, just living out what they believe. Most Christians I've met are good decent people just like the person reading these words right now. They just have their problems, just as you and I do.

Having said all that, I don't really feel confused about my sexuality. I just don't doubt deep inside of me I'm a heterosexual being by nature, I just struggle with attractions towards the same sex. I hate the affections and feelings that don't line up with my personal belief system. Well, hate them when I try to 'do right.' Love them when I'm ready to feel the rush, the addictive high....

I respect all people on here for sharing their beliefs. Just as others shared theirs, I wanted to chime in that I see you guys as heterosexual men who have your own set of peculiar struggles.

What has brought me to this forum? I know I went through a dramatic shift from a happy boy to a sexual pervert in a matter of moments at the age of 5. I went into a doctors office. Doctor wanted to do a rectal temp. I protested. Then I cried and begged mom to tell him no. He insisted, mom just said, do it. I stopped crying when he inserted. It was as if electricity shot through me. I have never stopped being a pervert (by way of behavior, not identity) until last year. I want to cry when I get to this point.

I have never stopped trying to relive that moment until last year, so to speak. I has NEVER stopped. Not an issue of being 'gay,' as love was never a part of it. Just purile sexual contact.

I've been married 17 years, have two wonderful daughters, and a wife who seems to stick with me through thick and more thick. October 2003, I awoke one night and couldn't stop thinking about HIV. I wrestled with it for several hours. Long story short, got diagnosed as HIV+ in Nov 2003. Since then, I've been terribly depressed, then angry, then hopeful, then depressed, then hate myself, then love myself, then become hopeful, then get depressed again, and currently am pissed at life beyond measure.....

I shared with my sisters and mom on my 40th birthday month last september that I was HIV+. One sister called back the next day crying. She asked me if I remembered what happened when I was young. I started trembling inside and began feeling lower abdominal pain. I responded I didn't. Still don't. I didn't know what to say as she related that she and my other sister (they would have been 8/9 years of age) found me with my britches down in a closet at the local junior high one summer day. I was 5. She wondered why the man had whipped me so hard I was bleeding. It took them a long time to calm me down and clean me up.

My other sister was with her, but she didn't recall any of it. I didn't either. I was skeptical. It certainly would have made sense, but how could 2 out of 3 not remember even one piece of evidence? Not even one shred of memory? As the week went on, we tried to piece together the memories we could of that summer camp. then something clicked in all of us that we all remembered: my sisters wouldn't let me go into the boys room to pee. I was so embarassed to go into the girls room. They also wouldn't let me out of their sight. All that occurred the final 2 or 3 days of the last summer camp we ever went to. I do remember them being real upset and not letting me go into the boys bathroom, how they wouldn't let me out of their sight, and how they PROMISED they wouldn't tell mom I had gotten a terrible whipping (we had a rule: whipping outside of the house automatically resulted in a whipping inside of the house).

I just don't know what to say right now. I am swinging between: did it happen? Is it real? It certainly makes sense! Of course it happened! Did it really? Then why can't I recall it? Why can't my oldest sister recall finding me? Is my middle sister just making this up? Why do I feel so much anger deep inside of me that I've felt my whole life? Why did my parents get divorced at the age of 5? Why did mom marry an alcoholic physically abusive stepdad when I was 6? Why can't I just have peace and joy? Why do I hate myself so much? What happened at the age of 5 that caused my whole life to change? Was I really raped? Why do I feel sick as I type this and feel rectal pain? Why do I want to cry so bad right now? Why did I turn into a sexual addict, sexual pervert, who drowned his life sorrows in a bottle until last year? Why did my life suddenly and abruptly change at the age of 5 and never return to normal? Why can't I remember?

Rob

_________________________
Now to Him who is able to do, immeasurably more, than all we could ask or imagine

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