Newest Members
Won'tGiveUp, sillyputty, Pytbull, manipulated, donmarks
12383 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Alan Fountain (52), blindpet (31), egoror (49), Midas (33), uwa (78)
Who's Online
2 registered (Jacob S, 1 invisible), 32 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12383 Members
74 Forums
63648 Topics
444519 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#131712 - 01/07/05 03:51 AM How do you overcome the Shame of CSA and the shame of acting out sexually in youth.
Corey Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/07/05
Posts: 2
Loc: Pennsylvania
When I was younger, I was abused by an Uncle and a teenager. The abuse with my uncle happened once and was primarily inappropiate touching, but the abuse in adolescence was more involved and as a result during adolescence and my teens I did some things that were very inappropriate and cause me shame today as I know that people talked about what I did, even though people did not try and get me help. Today, I am married with children and am moving on with my life, but I am challenged to overcome the shame of my youth and how I inappropriately acted out with other males even though I have discontinued this practice today. I truly believe that I just acted out what was taught to me.

My therapist believes that not worrying about what others think and telling my story when I am ready will help me with this issue. What do you think?

_________________________
Corey

Top
#131713 - 01/07/05 05:00 AM Re: How do you overcome the Shame of CSA and the shame of acting out sexually in youth.
yesac76 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/23/04
Posts: 508
Loc: Idaho
Corey,
I like what your T says. Also, have you forgiven yourself for what you did yet? What's done is done. I did some things I am not proud of, but, I am at peace with it because I know it will never happen again.

It is tough coming to grips with your past, but it is necessary for you to have a worthwhile future. You acted out with guys when you were younger. WOuld you do that today? If the answer is NO, then forgive yourself your past transgressions. Nothing good will ever come out of kicking yourself in the butt for what you did when you were young.

Casey

_________________________
"You live it or lie it" Metallica

Top
#131714 - 01/07/05 04:04 PM Re: How do you overcome the Shame of CSA and the shame of acting out sexually in youth.
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Corey listen to Casey. He is dead on.

The reality of the past cannot be changed but our emotions and feelings and beliefs around them can. Additionally we must forgive ourselves. It was trained behaviour. LIke two doors for a rat. One he gets an electric shock and the other candy. It does not take him long to figure out where to go. That is what we were; trained mice .

We have the inborn ability to forgive others for transgressions (not sa) but we have a hell of a hard time being as generous with ourselves.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

Top
#131715 - 01/12/05 01:32 AM Re: How do you overcome the Shame of CSA and the shame of acting out sexually in youth.
Dan88 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/02
Posts: 247
Loc: DC
Ultimately, I found value in apologizing to people I had acted out with.

But it was important to put things in the proper order. First I had to forgive myself before I could even approach the idea of apologizing to anyone.

So I think all the advice here and from your therapist is dead on. Learn to forgive yourself first. That's the most important thing.


Top
#131716 - 01/15/05 01:14 AM Re: How do you overcome the Shame of CSA and the shame of acting out sexually in youth.
SJake Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/07/05
Posts: 6
Loc: Wisconsin
SJake
New Here
Member # 2294

posted January 07, 2005 06:57 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi I was first sexually abused @ the age of 8 or 9 by an older family member who was also abused,

Growing up I had a curiosity or attraction to only much older men.??? (although I dated and liked women) I always secretly desired attention from role model type men not nescesarily sexual but (bosses, teachers, & men of authority in my life), and I privately had thoughts about what sex and the physical appearance of some of these men were like (fantasies I guess) This thinking always upset me and made me feel dirty and gay.

Then @ 18 I was helping my uncle move and he brought out dirty movies and magazines and convinced me to have oral and anal sex with him, and this semi consentual sexual relationship went on for several years.

And while this was going on I went from bad relationship to bad relationship with women never being able to commit because of my guilt and shame. Until I got so depressed and confused I ended the sex with my uncle and went to get therapy.

My uncle is a very controlling persistant and manipulating person. I have never wanted to and still don't want to be gay or intimate with men but I am still some what confused about the sexual desires I have had.

Finally after family tragedy, I went and confessed to a man I truely admired and totally trusted who I knew was very ethical and had high moral values. (who was my boss) I told him about the abuse and the Post Tramatic Stress I was under from the family tragedies. (Which were my brothers suicide, and then my sister and her husbands deaths from a motorcycle accident were I had to do emt care til the ambulance arrived and still they died and I blamed myself.)

Anyway he helped me get therapy and has been distant because of our professional work relationship, But has been very supportive in the whole struggle over the last 2 years and this has been a big struggle for me.

So my question in all this is, Is PTSD Therapy enough to help me get over this. It has helped me a lot and I have been able to finally find and commit to my new Girl Friend and I am Happy most of the time but still struggle with depression ocasionally.

Do you think the sexual thought of older men is a manifestation from being abused by these men or am I sruggling with gay issues. I never have wanted intimate relations with men just a need for acceptance I think. And the thoughts of sex gives me this feeling of acceptance. ??

[ January 15, 2005, 12:11 AM: Message edited by: SJake ]


Top
#131717 - 01/15/05 02:16 AM Re: How do you overcome the Shame of CSA and the shame of acting out sexually in youth.
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
SJake,

These images that were left in our heads, no one should have been subjected to. What kid could come away from such experiences and not have false assumptions abour a lot of things.
I'm just now getting a handle on some of this shit after being in individual therapy for 14 months and group therapy for 8 months. I'm telling you this so that you don't think that you don't have a chance against such emotional garbage.
I think that it does take therapy, it does take, "talking about it," and it does take a little time. When you think about how long it may have gone on, what time you have left, taking some time for serious work in therapy doesn't add up to all that much when you consider what it GIVES BACK.
A phrase that my therapist keeps reminding me of is this one: "You guys have normal reactions to some very abnormal events in your lives."
What he means by that, of course, is sexual orientation confusion, fantasies that have a whole lotta replication scenes of us in all positions of the abusive activity and general anxiety and depression to fill out the picture of us trying to recover from this SH*T.
So, if I had anything to say about it in your life, I'd suggest that you keep working with your therapist, he seems to have an understanding of Childhood Sexual Abuse.
And, don't start thinking you're any weirder than me or Tom, or Dick, well, you know, all of us guys. No comparisons here, and that includes being weirder.

Peace, Strength and Courage, it takes guts to do what we're doing, and that includes, YOU.

David....the sometimes bold.

edited because I hadn't signed my name and I didn't want you to not know who wrote this...oh, ya, there is that Avatar thing, isn't there...neVER mind.

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

Top
#131718 - 01/15/05 02:49 AM Re: How do you overcome the Shame of CSA and the shame of acting out sexually in youth.
SJake Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/07/05
Posts: 6
Loc: Wisconsin
Thanks

I have really come to grips with a lot of things but I really struggle with the paranoia that other people I have confided in think i am gay or less of a person for allowing the abuse to happen.

I get paranoid that no one can understand how it affects a persons self esteem and self worth.

I confided in my boss and maybe im imagining it but I really think he just wants to avoid me as much as he can.

But yet he has been so supportive and really told me he admires that I have gone to therapy and handled it all as well as I have. (but yet he said I really need to learn to let it go and move on) but that is easier said then done and needs to happen on my time table and you can't rush the way you process these things you learn to address and deal with.

Maybe I am putting to much pressure on myself and worrying about what people think too much. How do you guys let go and quit worrying about what others think. I get very frustrated and I notice that I don't hide the anger as well as I use to nothing physical but very defensive about any type of critisism's.


Top
#131719 - 01/16/05 01:09 AM Re: How do you overcome the Shame of CSA and the shame of acting out sexually in youth.
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Two things, Jake. One, it isn't as simple as getting over it or letting it go. A lot of people have unresolved issues of their own and one never knows what is stirred up in them because of hearing about us. It may make them really uncomfortable because they are remembering something unresolved from their own pasts.
Two, telling others is a tricky thing. Some may need to know; only a precious few, really need to know. My therapist says it's like putting a turd in someone's pocket...now what do they do with it? The people who love you, may know how to support you, while others will just become uncomfortable.
My therapist cautioned me about telling all of the folks in my family. He says that it could come off as whining or looking for sympathy. He says that most of my family know me and that they may know more about me than I think that they do. He says no need to tell them and appear that I'm looking for sympathy, when I'm not.
I realize that this is an individual thing and your family may be different. His suggestions were for me and the folks in my family, of whom I've told him about.
This is a process and it does take time. Try to relax some knowing that, and knowing that the load does become lighter.

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

Top
#131720 - 01/28/05 11:39 PM Re: How do you overcome the Shame of CSA and the shame of acting out sexually in youth.
KAKDLA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/07/05
Posts: 34
My wife has been very supportive and I could not have managed without her. I have accomplished a lot in my life but I can’t shake my past. As far as shame is concerned, who is anyone to tell me I must be ashamed of one thing or another?

I know that what I have done in my past was a direct result of the abuse. The first person who abused me was my aunt. I was 11 and she was in her 30’s. It lasted for two years and included a female cousin one year younger than me. I didn’t realize it was abuse until I joined this group. I wouldn’t let my mind even think she was wrong.

I went to her bed, she did not come to mine. I locked the door before getting into her bed. I was on top. I enjoyed it. It never occurred to me that she was wrong for inviting me into her bed, telling me to lock the door because my cousins wouldn’t understand. She told me to lock the door. She was sexual with me. I was homesick so the attention was my relief. But she never called it sex.

In many ways I was a girl to her. She would dress me like a girl. Gave me a girl’s name. I did anything she wanted. She would tell me that I was prettier than her daughters. That I was a girl in a boy’s body.

You can imagine what effect that had on my growing up! When I was 16 my first T told me I should consider a sex operation since I felt so strongly about my sexuality. He also told me that it was perfectly normal behavior for a boy to have sex with a man. He told me a lot of things that had a strong effect on my life.

I don’t feel shame for anything I did when I was a teenager. What’s the purpose of shame? I was just a kid.

K


Top
#131721 - 01/29/05 08:29 AM Re: How do you overcome the Shame of CSA and the shame of acting out sexually in youth.
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
Jake and K,
Guys you raised an cruical point about attention.
As a child I confused attention for love. So felt unloved by my parrents. After SA, I started confusing sex for love and attention.

So there you are my problem. Whomsoever I want attention from I think I need sex from and who so ever gives me attention I think wants sex from me.

So I avoid all attention from men and woman fearing they would come and abuse me. That has pushed me to be a recluse.

And now I am trying to break free from these chains, by loving my self completely and giving myself all the attention I ever needed. SO that I can step out without any DEFICIT of attention or of love. And be free to interact with anyone without looking for anything. Which means to be able to interact the way I want!

\:\)

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.