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#131704 - 12/25/04 02:38 PM I am sexually confused is that possible?
Glen Offline
Member

Registered: 12/14/04
Posts: 71
Loc: Wisconsin
This is embarrasing as all hell and I do not mean to offend anyone so please dont read further. My abuse from the hands of my sister ended right as I was going thru puberty. I had the normal crushes and girlfriends at that age. At that time I thought that my abuse wasnt really abuse,(according to my sister thats what two people do when they love each other) keep in mind I knew in my heart it was wrong especially when I had to go to confession I almost told the priest numerous times but I was too afraid, I thought that I would have been taken away.Thats what my sister always told me would happen if I told anyone. So when I got a little older when I would think about staright/normal or dream about it somedays I would have dreams where my sister was involved but I would wake up instantly feeling sick and disgusted. So I came to think I was a sick and disgusting pervert, which led to a very bad spiral. I had explored with a male friend but that didnt seem right to me either probably about the age of twelve. As I got a little older I started fantasizing about animals which occupied my entire thoughts even through the age of twenty/twenty-one. I still thought I was some sick and disgusting perv, but i could not stop these thoughts.. Eventually I forced myself to think I was gay,which lasted through the rest of my twenties. Now once I hit my later twenties and thirties that didnt work either now I am filled with thoughts of women exclusively. Is it tied into the fact that I am finally dealing with my issues. I am so confused and I do not want to ever go back to the really dark places of my sexual history ever again.
Once again I am sorry for this but I think I am fixing my problem but I am very confused and I am vowing to be celibate for a very long time till I get this fixed in my head, I just want to know whats going on with me.

_________________________
Please tell me why..

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#131705 - 12/25/04 11:06 PM Re: I am sexually confused is that possible?
Ivo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
Glen,
It seems that you put answer right in the topic.
It is quite possible that you are sexually confused and there is plenty of reason for this confusion but you know that the best.

I can understand on some degree your confusion because I am also very confused with my own sexuality and actually there are many dark places in it that I want to avoid by any cost.

I think that celibate is sometimes fine but it is something like temporary solution. I was in celibate for many years and I quit it recently even I didn't solve all problems and still do not know what would happen on long term.

I think that it is good fact that you have thoughts exclusively about women. The question is how strong are those thoughts on longer term?

It might be good to have some consultations with sexual counselor about these issues.

I hope that you would soon find all needed answers.

Ivo


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#131706 - 12/27/04 02:03 AM Re: I am sexually confused is that possible?
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 431
Loc: UK
Hi Glen,

I am moved by your honesty, I feel that it is in self-honesty and sharing this difficult stuff that we will, I hope put an end to the confusion and self-torturing thoughts about our sexualities.

I relate to not being able to tell the truth in confession. My first one at about seven, I made up three sins as my real ‘sins’ were untellable. The guilt about lying in confession that went on until I stopped going was really damaging for me.

I always felt like a sexual sicko, and mostly tried being nonsexual as that seemed to be the only choice, my fear that I would in some way contaminate anyone I was close to kept me isolated sexually. There is a lot in my sexuality that I am still ashamed of and confused about, I am only beginning to really talk about it, thoughts and fantasies harm no one else, only actions do that and disgusting as they can make us feel they do not make us disgusting. They are a result of the abuse, I have changed other aspects of my thinking/feeling and I expect this can be changed too.

You have nothing to be sorry about; it is in sharing this embarrassing difficult stuff that we can help each other. I feel confident that the answers will come and bring the peace you need and deserve.

Rustam.


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#131707 - 12/27/04 02:58 AM Re: I am sexually confused is that possible?
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Glen,

I, too, have to tell you how brave you are to meet these feelings and thoughts head on.
Did you say that you were in therapy? If you're not, you've got a good start with what you have posted. At times, I've taken in to therapy what I've written here or at home. It helps me to say it, it gives me a 'road map' of what I want to say, so that I don't chicken out of saying it, telling my story.

Just for your information, let me share a couple of things that may or may not pertain to you, but they have helped me to understand just how confused we can be.

When you commented about how we can frighten ourselves with all of the various forms in which we can have sex, it occurred to me that some of that, is to do just that, frighten ourselves. You see, we were violated and we ended up feeling guilty as hell. You found yourself even having to NOT tell the truth, the whole truth in confession. I'm so sorry that you have had to carry that burden. God, what we put ourselves through because of someone else's sins. I wonder if your sister has ever confessed her sin against you?
Anyway, what I would do was imagine the most horrible sexual experiences in order to keep myself in my proper place...that of the most vile piece of shit you could imagine. Well, I had to, I was. All of the abuse that I suffered, well hell, it was my fault, you know.

So, in following the model of taking on the guilt for all of that, I fantasized about any and all of the most excruciating perversion I could, to prove to myself that I was, in fact, the most unworthy of creatures.
Glen, before I finally found this site and therapy, I was suicidal because I believed, or I had myself convinced, that because of such thoughts and fantasies, I was doomed to rot in hell.

Get someone, a therapist, that can help you evaluate what you may be doing to yourself to absorb the guilt that you must feel from what happened to you.

And, don't forget, all of this sh*t is only a normal reaction to the abnormal events that have happened to you.

You're a good man, you're a strong man and you can recover what was once yours.

Peace, strength and courage,

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#131708 - 12/28/04 04:39 AM Re: I am sexually confused is that possible?
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Glen - Thanks for being honest and reaching out! I will be just as hjonest and reach out in my sharing. Sexual confusion may occur from any number of experiences and situations through which you past. Early sexualized behaviors often leads to promiscuity, sex with animals (more common than you thinjk), use of stuffed animals, sexual acting out with both males and females...etc. Your age doesn't become the issue because the sexual pressures you act on come from the inner child (you at the age you initially experienced the abuse).

Like you I had early sexual experiences with my female cousin, then her brother entered the picture...I was promiscuous with both girls and guys because sex itself was exciting. I was caught by my parents ALWAYS sexual with girls. They made me promise to "stop doing that" (sex with girls - I thought). I promised and kept on having sex with guys. Confused?? It was into my 20's that I finally got help - therapist, friends, groups, etc. I found complete honesty with myself and at least one other to whom you make yourself accountable helped me.

By the way, I have been marriedd for 35 years, have three children and one grandson. Thoughts still cross my mind, but confusion is a thing of the past. Keep reaching out! Get qualified help! Realize you're not alone - others have walked your path before you. Don't let the confusion overwhelm you!!

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#131709 - 01/01/05 07:23 PM Re: I am sexually confused is that possible?
Indy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/17/04
Posts: 25
Loc: Indiana
Glen (and others)

Thanks for being honest. Your honesty is light.

I can completely identify with what you have written. I was molested when I was four. Like many others, there were so many factors going on at the same time-my father got sick and I thought that I had to be the "man" of the house-further complicating the fact that I was the youngest and needing compassion-instead I got molested and felt responsible.

As I grew up I could not handle sexual feelings. I hated my penis and hated erections. I repressed my feelings. I hardly dated and could not be intimate. My brother, who molested me, is gay, and I always felt responsible for that (geez, thought I ran the world) Anyway there was so much guilt that I could not even speak about sexual feelings.

I finally started confronting my history of abuse when I was in my early thirties-having chosen work as my relationship of choice up until that time. It has been a tough road to open up my body again and deal with the anger. I have disassociated in sexual experiences - and I am just learning to feel. Confusion, heck yeah. And a lot of shame and guilt.

Honesty has been hard for me also-partially because I learned to stuff feelings down. I am hoping the process will open-good luck as you look and THANKS to all the guys who responded-reading what you wrote helped me to feel a little less alone today.

Indy



Edited by Indy (03/17/07 07:26 PM)

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#131710 - 01/07/05 02:49 AM Re: I am sexually confused is that possible?
Corey Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/07/05
Posts: 2
Loc: Pennsylvania
What's up Glen!

I certainly can relate to your confusion. Being a survivor myself I can relate very well to having conflicting and uncertain feelings about your sexuality. Although this can be a very troubling issue, do not beat yourself up as you were thrown into inappropriate and advanced sexual situations before your were mature enough to deal with them. This has caused a dilema for me as well as I was exposed to inappropriate sexual situations at the age of about six and in early adolescence. These experiences have caused me great confusion, pain, and anguish, but I am working torward abundant life after abuse.

As many of the other have suggested, I strongly suggest that you find a qualified therapist that has an expertise in the area of sexual abuse. Presenly I am in counseling and have found it to be very beneficial to work through my issues and I feel like I am starting to get stronger daily and working to end my isolation. However, the biggest challenge for me is dealing with the shame of what happened to me and of things that I did as a result of the abuse and others knowing about it, but each day I am getting stronger and looking forward to getting the courage to tell my story and helping others.

I pray that you will reach the point where you can come to terms with your abuse and your sexual confusion.

_________________________
Corey

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#131711 - 01/09/05 02:29 AM Re: I am sexually confused is that possible?
KAKDLA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/07/05
Posts: 34
When I was 11, I had a 2 year relationship with my aunt and cousin. I never considered it abuse because they were related to me. At 13 I was in a dorm some 1200 miles away from home for a number of years. There was no consequence for the abuse though I complained to my parents and teachers. I was either called a liar or told nothing could be done.

I saw my first therapist when I was 16 and he abused me for 3 years but I thought since he was a professional, everything he said was true and everything he did was ok.

I didn't realize at the time that everything was spiralling out of control.

I'm not sure what's permitted, though I read the rules, so I am leaving all details out. My abuse started in 1965.

I expect everyone to use me. I think people just pretend to be friends because they want something. I don't trust anyone.

I don't have nightmares anymore. I love my wife and finally enjoy sex with her but it took many years.


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