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#13169 - 01/19/04 08:48 PM Here I go again....
Redsongbird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/01
Posts: 209
Have not posted for a while. But I have been reading. I am just sort of out of it tonite. One of my abusers came up to me today and showed me pictures of when I was a kid and things that were going on. He also showed pictures of me at work - when I lived in another state - my wife and I getting out of the car at different places. He says I need to remember who I am. There has been nothing happening for three whole months now! These past three months have been so wonderful. I was just feeling like things were getting back to normal - whatever the **** normal is. NOw with seeing those pictures I am starting to have some flashbacks. This is just endless. He made some very crude remarks about having "fun" the next time we meet. I told him maybe the next time I would have the gun and I would have some fun! (I was scared) and he just said I was finally getting some spunk and laughed and left. My wife called and she knew immediately something was wrong. She insisted I tell her so I did. She was/is at work. I feel like here I go again. I was just feeling like I could go outside without looking everywhere before I step searching to see if it's alright. I have no clue what he meant by I need to remember who I am! I am exausted. Got to get off the compuer now.

Tobey


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#13170 - 01/19/04 10:19 PM Re: Here I go again....
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Tobey,

Your perp really ircked me. My ire is up.

That S.O.B. stalking you, and now trying to pull you back with his intimidations and innuendoes. Nothing but low-life trickery. That dirty rotten S.O.B.

You have a new life away from that S.O.B., you are strong enough inside to say 'enough'. Do what you need to keep yourself and your family safe. Do it safe and do legal.

F.P.D. Detectives Bureau 237-6900
F.P.D. Patrol Desk 237-6800
G.C. Sheriff's Dept. Detectives Bureau 257-3460
Community Mental Health Services 24 hour crisis line 257-3740

Take care and be safe,
Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#13171 - 01/19/04 11:09 PM Re: Here I go again....
blueelectron9 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/07/02
Posts: 387
Loc: Victoria, BC Canada
It apalls me how this perp continues to abuse. I am sorry that you have to go through this. Nobody deserves this sort of mind fucking treatment.

I wish you all the safety and care that this post can drum up in you.

Peace,
Scotty

_________________________
An odd duck who likes even numbers.

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#13172 - 01/20/04 04:58 PM Re: Here I go again....
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Tobey Bill has given you the ammunition and I hope you fire them.

That effen perp deserves to be sent directly to hell on the express.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#13173 - 01/20/04 05:24 PM Re: Here I go again....
Angry_youth_86_Keith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/06/02
Posts: 103
Loc: Olympia, Washington
Just echoin what has been said. and adding that as much as i would wnat to and i m sure you do. dont hurt him phsycialy he probably is very desperate for control so you getting arrested would give him that. If you can get ahold of those photos he showed you he will be gone for a long time. GL be safe.

_________________________
"Ignoring mortality, we worship mediocrity"- Greg Graffin

"Live fast, die young, leave a great looking corpse"-Ronny Van Zant

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#13174 - 01/20/04 06:08 PM Re: Here I go again....
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Tobey, you can see that you have a lot of support here. Bill has given you the numbers to call. This is certainly stalking and is most likely a crime. The trouble is, that stalking usually does not carry a punishment such that it gets him away from you.

You do need to keep safe. I would wonder if a victim's advocate group, or a rape crisis center would be able to list some options for you.

Has this perp followed you from the State in which the crime occurred? If he is crossing state lines to intimidate you he may be in bigger trouble than he can imagine.

Keith is right though, do not do anything that causes you to be the criminall--as tempting as that is just now.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#13175 - 01/20/04 06:19 PM Re: Here I go again....
Sinking Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/03
Posts: 577
Loc: Took my ball and went home.
Tobey - The advice you've been given is sound. But when it comes to assholes like the one you're dealing with, it makes me want to act in a not-so-sound manner. Because of what has happened to me I find that I am fiercly protective of people I care about. Because we share a similar history, I care about you and want to help protect you from further abuse. Feel free to message me privately. I may have a suggestion or two that might be helpful.


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#13176 - 01/20/04 06:38 PM Re: Here I go again....
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Tobey
Listen to Bill and rest of the guys. He's a stalker, a pervert, and an extortionist.

Nail him, and do it right. Get the law involved and sting him if necessary.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#13177 - 01/20/04 08:07 PM Re: Here I go again....
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Yes, Tobey and Bob, Stalking is a crime here and taken very seriously by the police and our prosecutor.

Tobey, PM me if you'd like, I'm just down the street.

Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#13178 - 01/20/04 10:13 PM Re: Here I go again....
Angry_youth_86_Keith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/06/02
Posts: 103
Loc: Olympia, Washington
I actualy saw my T today and brought up this incident to him. He agreed that this perp is probably very desperate and is near rock bottom. because this is desperate bevhavior. A sad attempt to get control over you again probably because his life lacks any sort of control. He also said this time would be when the perp is most dangerous to others..or him self but I dont think thts all bad to be completely honest. So protect your self well. And hey maybe we'll get lucky and he'll cut off his own arm \:D

_________________________
"Ignoring mortality, we worship mediocrity"- Greg Graffin

"Live fast, die young, leave a great looking corpse"-Ronny Van Zant

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#13179 - 01/21/04 08:27 PM Re: Here I go again....
Redsongbird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/01
Posts: 209
I just typed a long reply and then something happened and I lost it from the screen! arg! Ok anyway, thank-you Bill, Scotty, Mikey,Keith, Bob, Maroon, and Dave for your replies. It means a lot to me that you responded.

I called the police about what happened. I had three month ago went in and made a report in person about another incident. I don't know if it will really help. I have no proof ...physically of any of these events. It always seems to happen when I am alone. These people are very good at making sure of that. I orginally thought that they were from MAryland where I was sexually assaulted two and a half years ago. But now I realize that they are from here. I don't have a gun but I am getting very tired of having one aimed at me. Thought I doubt I would ever do anything drastic. Four months ago when I last saw a T he had told me that these type of people who do stalking ..their profile is that they escalate in their activities. They either get caught, attack again, or lose interest and move on to someone else. This T even had one client who changed her name in another state ...made it look like she just disappeared. He suggest I do that. We (wife and I) have already changed our names once. This is not an easy thing for me since I teach elementary school. A "Male teacher" changing his name is not the norm. It went alright the first time but I am sure it would not again. What bothers me is those pictures they showed me. They had pictures of me when I was a child. They threatened "what if these pictures were to show up what would people think of you then? These pictures were of group activities. SOme of which I had already dealt with in previous therapy sessions some years ago. But to see them in pictures.....I just can't get it out of my head. Then back in the early 1990's I lived out in CA. They actually HAD pictures of me out there! One of them was with a dear friend when we were out eating. I am concerned if I should call and tell her about this...she knows I am having problems but not about these pictures. So, this person, group have kept tabs on me for years. And in different states. And I feel powerless as to what to do. I don't know what they mean that I am suppose to remember who I am. All I do remember is that this was a group of men who did things ...and it has followed me all my life. I am so tired of this. I took tomorrow off work because I am just so ....overwhelmed. I need a day to just be responsible for me and not several other people. I may just go to movies all day long. Or drive...maybe drive....but then I don't want to be incountered again.

Sorry I know I probably haven't answered all your comments. I will be back on tomorrow.

Thanks again - Tobey


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#13180 - 01/22/04 12:43 PM Re: Here I go again....
Sinking Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/03
Posts: 577
Loc: Took my ball and went home.
Tobey - It might be a good idea to invest in one of those disposable cameras. If you see one of these people approaching you or can get pics of them in various places where it would be obvious that they are following you, you would have the proof you need to convince law enforcement of your claims. And if one or all of those cowards sees their picture being taken, they may very well run for their lives. You sound like a strong person. Take control. You can do it.


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#13181 - 01/22/04 05:14 PM Re: Here I go again....
Redsongbird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/01
Posts: 209
Maroon - you have a good idea. I think I will do that for sure! I have just sort of been doing odd and end things today. I did take a drive for a while. I decided to take the laundry and do that plus some grocery shopping. I took some time to journal today. Journaling has saved me many times in the past before. It usually helps. I realized that when journaling that this guy who approached me the other day mentioned my father had brought me to them. I then realized that one of the men in those pictures was my father. He was not doing anything to me but he was letting them do whatever they wanted to me. He has been dead now for many years but to think that HE has brought this all on me it makes me sick. I just don't think these people are going to leave me alone. I think I may have realized what they meant by "remembering who I am" but right now I just can't go into it. I journaled it today and then closed my journal and kept myself busy. I am so tired of fighting this my whole life. I know now for sure that many if not all of the memories I have had about this abuse long ago has been once again confirmed. The reality of that is difficult to handle right now. I am just going to have to realize that my life is never going to be "normal." Ha! whatever THAT is. I feel so dirty, I feel so quilty even though I did not start this! I feel like such a fake on the inside. On the outside things look alright to others...I am just trying to hold it together ....

Tobey


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#13182 - 01/22/04 05:35 PM Re: Here I go again....
Sinking Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/03
Posts: 577
Loc: Took my ball and went home.
Try to keep in mind...the guilt and the dirt are not yours. They belong to whoever hurt you. You have no right to them so keep telling yourself that, eventually it will become true. And you are holding on. Aren't you just amazed at the strength you can find when you need to? You got this far and that is an amazing achievement!!! I say this to myself as much as I say it to you.
and try not to agonize over what he meant when he said 'remember who you are/were'. His perception of who you are is probably a very twisted perception. It's you who counts and you who can be whoever you want and need to be. I'd be only too happy to intervene on your behalf and let those monsters know that you do NOT stand alone in this world. Keep up the fight, you're every bit worth it. Take back control, for that was yours and they took it away, but not forever!!!!


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#13183 - 01/25/04 02:50 PM Re: Here I go again....
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
If nothing else, even if you do not press charges on him, you should maybe get restraint order on him, so he can not call you or come near you. I wish this has not happened to you, although my abuser will still make a point sometime to see me, or will call me, even after I change my phone number. I hope that you are able to get help to deal with this. I wish you well, and good luck.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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