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#13179 - 01/21/04 08:27 PM Re: Here I go again....
Redsongbird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/01
Posts: 209
I just typed a long reply and then something happened and I lost it from the screen! arg! Ok anyway, thank-you Bill, Scotty, Mikey,Keith, Bob, Maroon, and Dave for your replies. It means a lot to me that you responded.

I called the police about what happened. I had three month ago went in and made a report in person about another incident. I don't know if it will really help. I have no proof ...physically of any of these events. It always seems to happen when I am alone. These people are very good at making sure of that. I orginally thought that they were from MAryland where I was sexually assaulted two and a half years ago. But now I realize that they are from here. I don't have a gun but I am getting very tired of having one aimed at me. Thought I doubt I would ever do anything drastic. Four months ago when I last saw a T he had told me that these type of people who do stalking ..their profile is that they escalate in their activities. They either get caught, attack again, or lose interest and move on to someone else. This T even had one client who changed her name in another state ...made it look like she just disappeared. He suggest I do that. We (wife and I) have already changed our names once. This is not an easy thing for me since I teach elementary school. A "Male teacher" changing his name is not the norm. It went alright the first time but I am sure it would not again. What bothers me is those pictures they showed me. They had pictures of me when I was a child. They threatened "what if these pictures were to show up what would people think of you then? These pictures were of group activities. SOme of which I had already dealt with in previous therapy sessions some years ago. But to see them in pictures.....I just can't get it out of my head. Then back in the early 1990's I lived out in CA. They actually HAD pictures of me out there! One of them was with a dear friend when we were out eating. I am concerned if I should call and tell her about this...she knows I am having problems but not about these pictures. So, this person, group have kept tabs on me for years. And in different states. And I feel powerless as to what to do. I don't know what they mean that I am suppose to remember who I am. All I do remember is that this was a group of men who did things ...and it has followed me all my life. I am so tired of this. I took tomorrow off work because I am just so ....overwhelmed. I need a day to just be responsible for me and not several other people. I may just go to movies all day long. Or drive...maybe drive....but then I don't want to be incountered again.

Sorry I know I probably haven't answered all your comments. I will be back on tomorrow.

Thanks again - Tobey


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#13180 - 01/22/04 12:43 PM Re: Here I go again....
Sinking Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/03
Posts: 577
Loc: Took my ball and went home.
Tobey - It might be a good idea to invest in one of those disposable cameras. If you see one of these people approaching you or can get pics of them in various places where it would be obvious that they are following you, you would have the proof you need to convince law enforcement of your claims. And if one or all of those cowards sees their picture being taken, they may very well run for their lives. You sound like a strong person. Take control. You can do it.


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#13181 - 01/22/04 05:14 PM Re: Here I go again....
Redsongbird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/01
Posts: 209
Maroon - you have a good idea. I think I will do that for sure! I have just sort of been doing odd and end things today. I did take a drive for a while. I decided to take the laundry and do that plus some grocery shopping. I took some time to journal today. Journaling has saved me many times in the past before. It usually helps. I realized that when journaling that this guy who approached me the other day mentioned my father had brought me to them. I then realized that one of the men in those pictures was my father. He was not doing anything to me but he was letting them do whatever they wanted to me. He has been dead now for many years but to think that HE has brought this all on me it makes me sick. I just don't think these people are going to leave me alone. I think I may have realized what they meant by "remembering who I am" but right now I just can't go into it. I journaled it today and then closed my journal and kept myself busy. I am so tired of fighting this my whole life. I know now for sure that many if not all of the memories I have had about this abuse long ago has been once again confirmed. The reality of that is difficult to handle right now. I am just going to have to realize that my life is never going to be "normal." Ha! whatever THAT is. I feel so dirty, I feel so quilty even though I did not start this! I feel like such a fake on the inside. On the outside things look alright to others...I am just trying to hold it together ....

Tobey


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#13182 - 01/22/04 05:35 PM Re: Here I go again....
Sinking Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/03
Posts: 577
Loc: Took my ball and went home.
Try to keep in mind...the guilt and the dirt are not yours. They belong to whoever hurt you. You have no right to them so keep telling yourself that, eventually it will become true. And you are holding on. Aren't you just amazed at the strength you can find when you need to? You got this far and that is an amazing achievement!!! I say this to myself as much as I say it to you.
and try not to agonize over what he meant when he said 'remember who you are/were'. His perception of who you are is probably a very twisted perception. It's you who counts and you who can be whoever you want and need to be. I'd be only too happy to intervene on your behalf and let those monsters know that you do NOT stand alone in this world. Keep up the fight, you're every bit worth it. Take back control, for that was yours and they took it away, but not forever!!!!


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#13183 - 01/25/04 02:50 PM Re: Here I go again....
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
If nothing else, even if you do not press charges on him, you should maybe get restraint order on him, so he can not call you or come near you. I wish this has not happened to you, although my abuser will still make a point sometime to see me, or will call me, even after I change my phone number. I hope that you are able to get help to deal with this. I wish you well, and good luck.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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