Just to add to the physiology part here. It is not unusual to enjoy penetration. There are very sensitive parts near the rectum. Your vas deferens and prostate gland is there. Both very much involved in the sexual experience.

I also agree, that there is a feminine part to everyone. Also remember that males have estrogen and women have testosterone. A cruel joke, maybe. But anyway, I was never sure if my softer side came from being born, my parents raising me or the abuse I endured. It could even be 2 of 3 or 3 of 3. I caught soo much flak and hide as a kid for this and at the same time hiding what was happening to me. I am only just catching up sexually and socially. I guess what I am saying is that it is a part of us but does not define us. Work with it. I know its an asset, just trying to figure out how it fits in to my life.

I want to echo fozzy bear's comments on the physiology aspect. The prostate is sometimes referred to as the male "G" spot.

Most of my sexual abuse was in the form of anal rape, which led me to complex feelings of ambivalence about my gender focus and the pleasure I sometimes derived from the experience. As an adult, I went on a literature search to study sexual techniques and beliefs in other cultures - and while we associate anal activity with gay activity in our popular culture, it is not the case in some eastern traditions, where penetration, shifting roles and prostate stimulation are regarded as part of the full range of sexual exchange between a man and a woman.

Studying it objectively and removing the stigma/trigger are two different things, of course.. but the information helped me understand my body more, and allowed me to disentangle some of my identity issues.

Hi guys, its been awhile. My desire to put something up my ass has diminished greatly after I wrote this. Which has got me thinking, maybe a lot of the desire was that I was wanting to punish myself for what happened to me. Like it was my fault for what happened. Many a time the pleasure would cross over the line and become pain. But that didn't stop me from doing it again.

Take care,
Clifford

Hi Clifford,

Thanks for this particular post along with all your other posts. I feel less alone and ashamed knowing other people have similar feelings and thoughts that I do.

How you are transitioning through your recovery gives me hope for my own situation.

Aloha, Sunny