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#131680 - 12/13/04 07:14 PM Re: A strange way to masturbate.
MollyHatchetrules Offline
Member

Registered: 11/13/04
Posts: 31
Loc: Hoover, AL USA
gs, it's just my opinion that sexual orientation has more to do with how a person feels than what a person does. You said that although you have been with more men than women, you feel like you have done something wrong after being with a man. You also said that you want to love a woman and be close to her. It's just my opinion that if you would rather be in a relationship with a woman instead of a man, then you're not really gay, even if you have been with more men than women. Most people don't understand the fact that when you are with someone sexually, whether you want it or not, your body will respond as if you did want it. When this happens during sexual abuse, it's not uncommon for the victim to mistake this for pleasure. I was eleven the first time it happened to me, so of course I didn't know this. It's the reason I waited until I was eighteen before saying anything about what happened. But my point is, enjoying sex with a man doesn't necessarilly mean you are gay. I don't say I'm gay because I enjoy having sex with men. Actually I can't say that since I've never willingly been with a man before. But the reason I say I'm gay is because I would rather be in a relationship with a man instead of a woman. So if you would rather be in a relationship with a woman instead of a man, you're probably not gay. Sexual abuse can confuse people pretty badly when it comes to their sexual orientation.

_________________________
You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you will join us
And the world will live as one
-John Lennon

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#131681 - 01/04/05 10:54 AM Re: A strange way to masturbate.
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi all, I remembered something else. Sometimes I like to take showers in the dark. A lot of the times when I really wanted to tell someone about being raped but couldn't, I would shower in the dark, and curl up in a ball on the shower floor and daydream that I was able to tell about being raped.

My wife has been in the hospital, and wanted me by her side 24/7, that is where I have been the last 10 days. They released her on 31 DEC. One of the things I did was shower in the dark again. I am really afraid of losing her. I guess showering in the dark is one of my ways of releasing stress.

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#131682 - 01/06/05 03:54 AM Re: A strange way to masturbate.
Val Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/02/05
Posts: 8
Loc: nc
lostcowboy
You sound like such a caring and sensitive man. Your wife is very blessed to have you. I wish you and her well.


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#131683 - 01/07/05 11:57 PM Re: A strange way to masturbate.
SJake Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/07/05
Posts: 6
Loc: Wisconsin



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#131684 - 01/08/05 12:29 AM Re: A strange way to masturbate.
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi SJake, welcome to the board, I am sorry you had these things happen to you. I have sent a email to the person who monitors this section of the board to see if your post can be put in a new thread, so it can get the attention it needs. I don't have enough experience to help guide you. Ken Singer does have the experience to help guide you, he is the monitor for this section. Again I wish you well, and welcome to the board. Some help should be here soon.

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#131685 - 01/09/05 12:42 PM Re: A strange way to masturbate.
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Lostcowboy, hey, you are not alone. Showering in the dark, it is a way of acting out or putting things back together the way you deal with it.

After my abuse ended, he made me feel that I was somehow, a girl. I could not dream that men did these things with boys.

It blew all my fuses, I could not think why this had happened. I went through acting out as a girl, fantasising about being one.

One dangerous part of acting out, was when, as a boy, I would regularly toss my clothes off and walk nude on the beach, when nobody was around I felt such a strong urge to do this, and it gave me a powerful sense of release, to be at one with nature.

Maybe, I was kicking back at mankind, I don't really know, but I could not stand wearing clothes, as they made me feel dirty.

The real confusion is though, that I would never wear shorts or speedos and feel comfortable on the beach in front of people.

There is a lot more to this, but I am only posting this for now,

take care,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#131686 - 01/10/05 05:55 AM Re: A strange way to masturbate.
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi Reality2k4,
Quote:
After my abuse ended, he made me feel that I was somehow, a girl. I could not dream that men did these things with boys.

It blew all my fuses, I could not think why this had happened. I went through acting out as a girl, fantasizing about being one.
Yes, If I was a girl it would have helped me make sense of what happened, it would not have made it all right, but it would have made it understandable. I tried to suppress any behavior that may be considered feminine.

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#131687 - 01/10/05 06:42 PM Re: A strange way to masturbate.
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
TRIGGER WARNING

Quote:
Yes, If I was a girl it would have helped me make sense of what happened, it would not have made it all right, but it would have made it understandable. I tried to suppress any behavior that may be considered feminine.
OR - could it possibly distort our natural feminine side rather than surpress it?

I think it's accepted that all men have a feminine side, some more than others obviously.
But being naturally heterosexual and then 'having sex' with a man is confusing, especially to a boy.
I'm not trying to make anything of the Gay perspective here, so please don't take offense.

If we are destined to be straight, then our understanding of sexual acts will be straight sex acts surely?
So we get penetrated sexually and the only understanding we might have is that it's 'only women' who get penetrated.
We then believe that we are being used as 'girls'.

Does that sound as though it would fuck with our reasoning as young boys? It does to me.

I can remember my abusers making me wear womens panties some times, they would tell me that; "what WE are doing is good practice for fucking girls" and "you suck better than my girlfriend" ( Like they HAD girlfriends ! )
These were confusing messages to me, and ones that remained with me for a very long time, and became very strong when I was at the height of my acting out.

My acting out was fixated on giving oral sex, but recieving anal sex was also an option.
And sometimes when 'cruising for action' I would again wear womens panties.
It isn't a pantie fetish, I didn't fantasize about wearing them, it's just a big part of the submissive feminine role that I thought was my role in life.
I never wanted the other man to give me oral sex, or desire having anal sex with him. And I also wanted his dominance and my submission, to the degree that if he just asked something such as "would you like me to do .....?" I would be out of there so fast I'd trample him in the rush. I actually ended up fighting with one guy when he 'broke' my rigid fantasy and wanted me to take on the dominant role.

The dynamics of 'how' we act out are deep and complicated, but once I'd got this theory of my behaviours figured out through therapy ( mainly ) and my own efforts, the need to act out went away.

My 'theory' might be wrong, and I must stress that it's an individual theory, but it fits my behaviours and makes sense to me. If a psychologist or therapist comes along and tells me different, I'm NOT listening.

Acting out sexually is a desperate situation, there are no winners at all. The drive is unstoppable, the risks are huge and unforgiving, and the resulting guilt and shame are unbearable.
But it's possible to stop, very, very hard work, but possible.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#131688 - 01/10/05 06:49 PM Re: A strange way to masturbate.
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
When my post came on the screen I read it again and saw this -


Quote:
I actually ended up fighting with one guy when he 'broke' my rigid fantasy and wanted me to take on the dominant role.
And burst our laughing!
I probably made his day, he wanted me to be 'dominant' in the sex, so I kicked him in the fucking nuts ! \:D

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#131689 - 01/10/05 11:10 PM Re: A strange way to masturbate.
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
And, I must say, added to his sexual orientation confusion.

Thank you, once again, for being so honest, Dave.
Many of us will feel it's ok to be open and honest here because of your example.
So glad that you weren't hurt any worse than you were. As if it were not bad enough, huh?
But what I mean is, in all of the months that I've read your story, I'm amazed that you were not killed or contracted some killer disease. That God it was neither and that you have lived to be such an example of honesty and caring for us.
From a brother who appreciates your presence, so much.

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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