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#131654 - 11/24/04 06:57 AM How Ug the caveman got confused by a gay guy!
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hello all, this is a continence of what I wrote here http://malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=5;t=000310 About Ug the caveman (what I call my sex drive). I got out of the navy in 1992 and drove a tractor trailer for two years until I messed up my back again. When I was able to, I got a job in a gas station doing the night shift. There were about three obvious gay guys that would come into the station. Two of them were a couple but very obvious. The other was about ten years younger than me. I got the idea that he was checking me out. He started coming in more and staying longer, talking to me more. And I was getting the feeling that he was pursuing me, of all people. I did tell you guys that I was paranoid didn't I? Oh yes I was sweating it. I could not quit, I really needed the job, so I gathered what balls I have, and wrote a letter to him telling that I had been raped as a kid and that I was scared of gay guys, and would he help me over come this. Well he came back and we talked for a while. From that moment, I noticed that feeling that he was pursuing me was gone, I only felt that he was trying to help. This went on for about six months. We became good friends (I thought). I should tell you some more about this guy his body language and personality, and manner of talking was that of a young black woman, and he was giving me his undivided attention. If it was an act he was very good at it. I think this is how Ug got confused. I started noticing that on the days he did not come by the station I would miss him. I also noticed that Ug was behaving strangely. Ug has always been very quick about letting me know what girls he was interested in this usually happen the first time I saw them, I have always wished that Ug would wait until I knew if I liked them or not. Well it seemed like in this case I got my wish, because slowly but surely Ug was getting interested in this gay guy that behaved as a young black female, that I was getting a crush on. Note during this time Ug is still very interested in all the sexy girls that are coming in to the gas station to get gas, its just that he added this guy to his list of sexy girls that he wanted to have sex with if he ever got the chance. At this point in time I could not tell if he was interested in me for sex or was just wanting to be friends. Looking back on this I think he wanted me to ask him, if he wanted sex. But I couldn't do it; due to the rape or what ever I have always been a passive guy. I have to have a few beers just to ask some girl to dance in a club! It was the same for this guy. This went on for about two weeks, and then he took things into his own hands, and asked me over to his apartment. Said that he had car problems, that was just an excuse to get me there. I also had a surprise, as his personality changed; he went from young female black to young male black. At the same time that was happening Ug the caveman lost interest in him. We had sex, him on top me on bottom. Thatís the only way he does it, never him on bottom. For me that one was bad, not sure if it was due to having been raped or being so nervous over being with a guy that I cared about that changed his personality like that, or what. We had sex several times over the next two weeks, and while it was not as bad, I can say I did not like it. Also it seemed that he did not respect me as much as he had before we had had sex, and he started wanting me to give him gifts. I started getting the feeling that he was setting me up, because the gifts were small at first, I really didn't want to believe this. He then came up with this story that he had a ticket that he had to pay or lose his license, and could he borrow the money.

You may say that I have more than one part to my personality, there is me the nice guy who is writing this, and then there is a part that analyzes everything that happens around or to me. I also have the boy who got raped, and Ug the caveman (my sex drive). It was the Analyzer that said this guy is trying to put something over on the nice guy. Of course the nice guy didn't want to believe it, as he still has a crush on the guy. So we gave this guy enough rope to hang himself, I let him borrow $400, and made sure he understood that it was a loan, and because he was disabled, he could pay it back a little at a time. He did not pay it back, and I later learned that him and his friends had gone to Atlanta Ga, and had a good time. Needless to say I was broken hearted; also about this time the wife discovered the affair, so I was not having a good time. I guess that is what you get when you cheat. Luckily my back had recovered by this time, and I was able to get another job driving a truck. Over the next year I stayed on the road, until I came down with Psoriasis, which in my case is also causing Arthritis. That's what my disability is, and thatís the end of this story. Think you for hearing this.
The Lostcowboy

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#131655 - 11/25/04 10:36 AM Re: How Ug the caveman got confused by a gay guy!
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
It took about nine months to get over this crush. This was the second crush I've had in my life. The first one was over a girl, took just as long to get over.
Am I straight, am I gay, or am I just a screwed up guy? Is it important? I know I haven;t been attracted to a guy, before or after this affair. I have made the decision, that I won't have any more affairs while I am married. Its the least I can do for my wife who has stuck by me through thick and thin, good times and bad times.

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#131656 - 11/28/04 01:27 AM Re: How Ug the caveman got confused by a gay guy!
MikeInFlorida Offline
Member

Registered: 11/27/04
Posts: 43
Loc: Titusville
Dear Lostcowboy,

My name is Mike, and I am 42 years old. I served our country in the U.S. Air Force from 1982 - 1986. My father was a marine, and so was my brother.

I was sexually abused by my step father from the time I was 10 years old until I was 16. My mom divorced my biological dad when I was just 7 years old due to his chronic drinking problem.

When I was in High School (In Tallahassee / South Georgia) I chose to befriend a group of guys who were homophobic. We would drive by the local gay bar, and throw our empty beer bottles at the guys outside the bar, calling them names like "Fag", "Cock Sucker" I think that you get the picture. Luckily I never hit anyone with an empty bottle. I WAS homophobic. I remained homophobic for several more years, then when I was active duty stationed over in Germany I had a sexual experience with a black guy who was in the Army. His name was Leroy, and he, and I proceeded to have sex several more times. I have been with more guys than gals, and have only been in one long-term relationship, and that was with a guy.

To this day part of me STILL does NOT want to be gay, while another part of me loving, accepts and em brasses my being gay.

I have shared all this with you to say "Take it from a guy who loves our country, apple pie, and my mom that it truly does NOT matter what you are gay, bi, or straight along as YOU lovingly accept yourself."

I personally do NOT put a label on myself. I am who I am, And who am I, you might ask? I honestly don't know. All I do know is that I am profoundly sorry for ever bashing guys who are gay, and I must accept, and be comfortable with all of sexual self and there lies the key to truly being happy. I must be comfortable, and fully accept myself as I honestly am. Hope that this helps.

Mike In Florida

Please note: This is NOT to say that I am fully comfortable, nor have I fully accepted myself YET. I am working on it with professional help.

_________________________
Love others, as you love yourself.

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#131657 - 11/28/04 03:03 AM Re: How Ug the caveman got confused by a gay guy!
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi Mike, I see this is your first post, I am glad that you found this place. I am sorry about what happen to you.
I found this place about ten days ago, and have been pouring out tales about different parts of my life that I think being raped at 11 effected. One thing it did is I am gun shy around anyone I think may be gay. Its not that they are gay, its that they do something that puts them in the (He's gay!, category) If I were to meet one in a grocery store, I would probably turn my cart around and go in another direction, or rush past him to a different section of the store. This is something that I want to change. That is what I was trying to do in this tale. I had not expected to be attracted to him.
I hope you hang around, and when you are ready you tell your tales.

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#131658 - 11/29/04 01:59 AM Re: How Ug the caveman got confused by a gay guy!
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
Hi 'Cowboy,

I've been meaning to come back and post a reply for a while because a thought or two occurred to me after reading it the first time.

Now I'm especially glad I came back as I got to read Mike's response to it also.

Welcome, Mike. I appreciated what you had to say. I am gay, and was sexually abused by a supposed "straight" man who was my guardian.

It caused a lot of screwed thinking and feeling about sex and sexuality.

As a matter of fact, I was terribly homophobic, saying really ugly, nasty things about gay guys, especially when they were around. I still cringe to think of how cruel I was. What must they have thought?

I was really glad to hear what Mike said at the end about professional help. That is the only way that I have been able to gain love and self acceptance for my gay self.

Me trying to fix my fucked up self with my brain is like pouring kerosene on a fire to put it out! My thinking is so much a part of the problem, that more thinking just seems to render more problems, etc.

But, 'Cowboy, what I noticed about your story is that it seemed to me to be less about being gay or straight, and more like you getting abused and exploited by a despicable character.

Did you know that sexual abuse survivors are much more liable to be abused again? And also to engage in dangerous or unsafe sexual behavior?

It's true. So, instead of thinking of yourself as some sort of caveman pervert, maybe give yourself a break. You're a guy who was sexually abused. That history left you wide open for more abuse.

Did you know that disabled persons are more likely to be abused than regularly abled people?
They are. I say that because I recently have become disabled too, and I want to remember to be extra good to myself and extra cautious to not get abused or exploited again.

Anyway, 'Cowboy, I really just wanted to tell you that you weren't so much 'confused by a gay guy' as you were 'abused by a predator'....at least that's my take on it.

In any case, you gave me a lot to think about, so thanks again,

Regards,

_________________________
"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

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#131659 - 11/29/04 10:18 PM Re: How Ug the caveman got confused by a gay guy!
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi Danny, I am glad you came by, I had read in this thread http://malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=43;t=000009 about your early life, and thought you could bring some good feedback here. I feel real sorry about what you had to go through to stay alive.
I only know a little bit of this guy's early life, he left his family in Charleston and went to New York when he was 15. He went to be a dancer, I think he also ended up as a male prostitute to survive. I know when I knew him that he had three other guys that he was seeing, I think they may have also been married. Before I got involved deeply with him, when we had just been friends I had told him about my experiences with prosecutes and strippers. I feel that having to pay for what I wanted was not good for my personality and I had determined that I was not going down that road again. When he tried to put me into that client prostitute role. It was a deal breaker. I think it would have ended soon anyway. If I get the chance I'll come back and talk more. I have to end this now. I have another tale to tale. I determined yesterday that I was a pervert, and I need to talk about it. I am worried that telling about it will get me kicked off the board, but I made a commitment to tell the truth when I first got on this board.

Edited to add link. Please note, this tale may be triggering. http://malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=004671#000000

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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