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#131650 - 10/23/04 09:00 PM chatting?
Nightwolf Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/22/04
Posts: 11
I have a question for some of you, what do you do when you have a strong urge to chat sexually with other men?

There are times that I have the urge to chat and I also noticed an emptiness inside me and when I chat it seems to fill that emptiness


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#131651 - 10/24/04 12:36 AM Re: chatting?
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Hey NightWolf - I find when these types of urges occur, I try to put them in perspective. I usually discover these are really a cry that I need male (macho, machismo) social contact. When my abuse happened was a sexual developmental period in my life. Thus, I sexualized most of my natural needs (to hang out, do guy things). I find if I seperate the sexual from the social needs, I am more accurate for what I really need. I hope this helps you?
Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#131652 - 10/24/04 03:48 AM Re: chatting?
Pete2004 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/04
Posts: 958
Loc: North Carolina
Hey Nightwolf! Welcome! I'm sorry that you were abused, especially as a young man. I too was abused at that age. I developed many coping mechanisms through my teens and early 20's to cope. I'm straight, married to a wonderful woman and have 2 kids that I love with all my heart. My wife knows of the SA because I could not enter marriage with the fear that someone would surface and she would find out. I lived under that constant fear and didn't want that in my marriage however, she has no idea about chat rooms and that leading to video chat. All this need for intimate male interaction became overpowering when my son reached the age my abuse began.. I felt and feel so inadequate to father him. My own father was so distant and aloof. The guilt from the SA is affecting me even today.

I recommend that you read some of the information available on this site and recommend that you read the book Victims no Longer by Mike Lew. I'm not through it yet, but MAN it has made a difference. It has helped me to discover how the SA has affected me in ways I never dreamed.

Feel free to email me

Regards,

Pete
\:\)

_________________________
There is a destiny that makes us brothers;
No one goes his way alone;
What we send into the lives of others,
comes back into our own. (Edwin Markham)

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#131653 - 10/24/04 09:58 AM Re: chatting?
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Hey, Nightwolf, Pete,

You've got a good man in here...well, I see three...but I'm referring to what S T said about separating the sexual from the social and the fathering.
I felt that I was at the bottom of the barrel as far as dads were concerned. Thank God for the reading list for my major, Haim Ginot, for one, I was able to not turn out to be that bad of a dad. Well, I yelled too much and too loundly sometimes, but all in all I was definitely, hands on.
The daughters are fine, dealing with their own problems in life, and pursuing careers more comfortably than I was ever able.
You've got to understand I had the greatest mom backing me up...the girls have never had a serious arguement with their mother, always able to work through whatever was bothering them. I adopted an attitude of doing for them whenever I could; yes, two princesses. But the way that I see them treat others and stand up for themselves, says that Ranata and I must have done something right.
We've always listened to them and have had some of the best discussions around the dinner table you could imagine. Of course, they're pretty liberal in their thinking and we can discuss anything and respect whatever small differences that we may have.
All of this is to say, I'd probably been more nervous with a son, but I'm hoping that would have transferred because of the relationship that I've had with nephews.
I probably over protected them, but I shudder if I had done anything different. I remember there was a whole lot of driving around and dropping off and picking up. I always knew where they were and they always tried to tell me where they were when I didn't know. Can you do that with a boy? Ya, I think so. Our neighbors across the street have always had the homework table after dinner. Their kids always knew that they didn't do anything until their homework was done. I was always envious of that. We didn't have that table, but helped as much as we could. Their kids are pretty much four point and ours were in the 3.5 range...the difference I think, or the similarity was that we both have paid close attention to our kids.
You're gunna do fine. Relaxing into it some can work wonders...but that's hindsight for me. Let 'em know that you love them, and they'll blossom like the wonderful kids they are.

Good luck,

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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