I wonder if you were that good as a boy giving bjs or the abusers really got off because they coerced you?
Good question, but I'll never know the answer.
The difference from their point of view is a subtle, but important one.
Sex is good, and back in the 60's in the closed environment we were in sex should have been unknown to us. It was a single sex boarding deep in the country, and the "swinging 60's" hadn't reached us, neither had girls.
So sexual urges had to go somewhere, and there was always an element of mutual sexual experimentation going on. But it was minor, one-off stuff that was actually more open than most people would expect.
The abusers however knew things that weren't exactly common knowledge to the majority of kids in those days, there was no internet porn, cable TV, near porn "newspapers" or even easily available soft porn. A picture of a topless model was a rare thing.
My two main abusers knew many things, and would arrive back at school at the start of term with hard core porn.
Where did they get this, and the sexual knowledge they had? My guess is they were being abused at home.
So were they just enjoying my much praised talents, or where they they passing on their feelings of "being used" to me ( and others ) and therefore releasing their own feelings?
My guess would be that they were doing both these things.
Sex was a huge part of their lives, they would have sex with each other, then later on with me and perhaps someone else after that. I also know they are both still very active in what we might describe "the scene". Both have been in trouble with the police for various sexual offences as adults.
One would think that your ability would get better in your adulthood from the less experienced boy who was likely motivated more by fear than desire (as an adult acting out).
I have NO doubt that I was initially motivated by fear and coercion, but my memory "tells" me that "desire" became the driver, I got to liking it.
But for just over 4 years I probably gave at least one bj a day for every day we were at school - 7 days a week. It was a rare day that I missed out.
And with the way I was groomed I asked them.
That's a hell of a lot of imprinting to shift.
Here's an odd thing though. I was also fucked on the same basis. But that doesn't figure in my fantasies, and never in my acting out.
Perhaps that's because I'm sure that within this loose group of maybe 8 or 10 boys, under the control of the 2 main abusers, I think I was the only one who gave bj's or "asked" for threesomes.
I attained something I suppose? I can't exactly place what it was, perhaps it was the illusion of being special, friendship even talented?
The other boys would fuck, but I would do something "special".
Something I did as an adult, that I have virtually stopped since I began my therapy was, when I saw someone I knew or stopped to talk to someone, to use ( in my head ) the phrase - "I know
things you dont know, I do
things you don't do" as a part of the winding up process I used before acting out, and even earlier than that; when I was just dissacociating.
The sex, as I though of it through my early adult years, marked me out as different - in my own eyes.
And is "different" that far removed from "special"?
I don't think so.
Having that "talent" abandoned so suddenly was probably a shock to my system.
But I had new experiences to make me feel special, so I didn't crave the reason for feeling 'special' - although I did sometimes use it in fantasy.
But as middle age approached, and arrived, I guess my mid-life crisis kicked in and I recognised that I was just as average as the next guy and although there's nothing wrong with that, we all like to feel that ther is actually something about us that makes us different - special even.
And I knew exactly the thing that made me special!