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#131572 - 08/28/04 01:46 PM what or who am i?
guy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/04
Posts: 236
Loc: nc
gee, neat new forum to post on.

so here i am, twice divorced, two live ins and now back with my current love of all, a female.

i acted before. i did it again 3 months ago after a breakup and while suffering from depression.

my g/f thinks there is something deep and hidden.

I felt like depraved, dirty afterward. but i think i needed to feel that way.

i also though could have done the same with women, prostitutes, or cheap easy fuck girls but didn't.

i also know my acting out could be re-creating my abuse.

i just don't know. i love my girlfriend, her pussy, breasts, ass, softness, everything womanly.

i don't know why the hell i have done or do things.

what am i without a label?

guy


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#131573 - 08/28/04 02:03 PM Re: what or who am i?
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Guy - Many abuse survivors struggle with that question. It perplexes and confuses to no end!! There are several ways to approach this...I'll share one here. When you are having sex with a woman, what fantasies are playing in your mind (male/female) ? When you are having sex with a guy (bj's etc.) what fantasies are playing in your mind (male/female)? Your answer may provide a piece to your puzzle.

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#131574 - 08/28/04 02:36 PM Re: what or who am i?
brian-z Offline
Member

Registered: 07/11/02
Posts: 770
Loc: Western USA
Quote:
Originally posted by guy:
i like and accept gay people.
Oh how nice of you, lol.

ok kidding aside. Don't listen to your hart, and don't listen to your head. Listen to your penis, Mr. Happy is the only one that can answer questions about one's sexuality. To put it another way, what do you think about when you masturbate. If it's Ms. July it's a safe bet you are a straighty, if it's Michael Phelps well you get the picture. True acting out has jack to do with sexuality.

Moving on to a broader issue can a gay guy fall in love with a girl and have lot's of happy bumpy bumpy, you bet. Because love has jack to do with sexuality. Now, you can make all kinds of arguments about how I'm wrong with that last statement so I'll give you my response to them now. Straight guys tend to fall in love with females because they are out looking for girls. And Gay guys are out looking for other gay guys.

Don't worry about labels. It'll work it's self out .


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#131575 - 08/28/04 04:13 PM Re: what or who am i?
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
First, Brian: Leave it to you to be so frigging direct ("Mr. Happy," "bumpy-bumpy")! \:D

But I also agree with what you're saying. I'm so completely screwed up about my sexuality, it's not funny. I fantasize about women and men. I f**k women and men. I make love with women and men (yes, there's a difference, imho). What does it make me?

Bi? Maybe.
Straight, but "acting out?" Maybe.
Gay, but in denial? Maybe.

WHo the Hell cares? If you're in a monogamus (sp?), what does it matter? You won't f**k around anyway because you love this person and want to remain loyal and monogamus with them. Fantasies notwithstanding.

I'm slowly getting into a relationship, and yes, it's with another man. He's treated me with respect. he cares about me. He wants me to be well. If it's love, great. Guess I'll be "living a gay lifestyle." But does it make me gay?

In this case, yes. But it may not curb the appreciation of females.

It's a strange situation we find ourselves in. Introduction to sex at an early age, in an abusive way, can seriously screw up your sexual development. Obvious that is, but it needs to be repeated. So let's just find out where we stand, and let it happen. As long as the relationship isn't an abusive one.

Peace and love,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#131576 - 08/29/04 11:10 AM Re: what or who am i?
guy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/04
Posts: 236
Loc: nc
thanks guys

you have helped me some.

brian z - sorry it came out that way. i just do have co-workers, gay friends, and famaily and it came out that way.

i guess i should have said that i like people in general and do not care what their orientation is or was.

when i am masterbating or havning sex, i am thinking of the personi am with and not fantasizing about a guy when i am with a women.

when i acted out, i was thinking of the sex, the scaredness, the penis, cumming, the being aroused but felt dirty, naughty, depraved during and after. but i like all those feelings, and went back again. maybe that is my s.a. of re-creating.

who cares i guess. i just gotta take care of myself and my emotions and deoression and anxiety. i guess i wil be comnfused but believe in monogamy and have been and will be that with any true partner i have. i will not act out on my kink or twisted thoughts as they occur. i do not someone doing that to me.

thanks brothers, guy


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#131577 - 08/29/04 11:23 AM Re: what or who am i?
brian-z Offline
Member

Registered: 07/11/02
Posts: 770
Loc: Western USA
Hey Guy,

You don't need to appoligize for anything. I just thought the way it was wordded was funny. If anyone should say they are sorry it's me for commenting on it in the first place, but I never appoligize for anything. lol


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#131578 - 08/29/04 08:02 PM Re: what or who am i?
Happy Birthday Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Guy
we share this problem, although I haven't acted out with another man for 6 years.

Quote:
Listen to your penis, Mr. Happy is the only one that can answer questions about one's sexuality. To put it another way, what do you think about when you masturbate. If it's Ms. July it's a safe bet you are a straighty, if it's Michael Phelps well you get the picture. True acting out has jack to do with sexuality.
Brian speaks for me as well.
I fully agree that hetero's are attracted to women, gays to men, that's accepted.
I'm attracted to women ( even if I have been married for 30 years, I still look \:D ) and I have never in my life looked at a guy and thought "I'd just love to fuck him - give him a bj - fall in love with him"
Not even when acting out, that was nothing more than chance opportunity, and if you'd have seen the ugly bastards I went with you'd agree with me!

BUT - I still fantasize about giving other guys bj's. Does that have anything to do with latent gayness?
I don't think so, not for me at any rate. It's a fantasy of a sex act that doesn't extend any further than the bj. I don't include any part of meeting the guy, the ritual of accepting that sex will happen, the aftermath of the sex, or any other sex act in my fantasy. I start and finish with the bj.
But "Miss July" always gets my interest, even if I also admit that if bj's were so awful us guys would never get one. All those gay men and women who give bj's can't be wrong, can they ?

Dave

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#131579 - 08/29/04 09:08 PM Re: what or who am i?
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
This is an area that I'd like to do a chapter in the book I am working on (had a good day, spent 5 hours writing and editing today).

I think that for many men, doing a bj on someone is not about homosexuality. It is about controlling someone else's penis, making them hard, and by making them ejaculate, they have gone from being controlled to controlling someone else.

I'd like to hear more from survivors who understand that concept (or disagree with it). For a number of survivors I've worked with, I think the "acting out" by giving a bj is an attempt to gain control of the acts that were done to or by them. That means that the bj they were given as a child (beyond their control) or the one they were forced to do (also beyond their control) is now in THEIR hands/mouth.

A survivor turned perpetrator (with many young male victims) told me the other day about how he had to give his second perp bjs and as a teen, and afterwards he really enjoyed making younger boys orgasm (or if they were old enough) or ejaculate.

My sense that this is not about homosexuality or bisexuality. It is more about getting control over the act.

What do you think?

Ken


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#131580 - 08/29/04 10:06 PM Re: what or who am i?
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Ken I have pondered a lot about what you have written. And I am not sure if I am the right guy to respond to it. Giving a bj by force or getting screwed to me was a means to an end for me. It meant I was getting attention (love if you will) and it meant that I would get what I want if I resisted. Having the crap beat out of me. (Once again attention and in my twisted mind love). Now in acting out the promise was to give a bj or take it up the rear if I could torment them enough to beat the crap out of me.

Hustling was the same. The sex was pay back for being beaten badly. I never got excited with the sex only with the damage that was done to me. That could give me a spontaneous orgasm. I realize now it was totally screwed up. I always felt that that there were winners and losers in sex. And I was a loser. I hated the sex and if I did not get aroused by it they got mad at me. And of course that is what I wanted. So I guess I was a winner too.

I never thought I was in control giving a bJ. I did think some times it would be cool to just chomp down.

I guess I was one sick puppy. What do you think???

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#131583 - 08/29/04 10:38 PM Re: what or who am i?
Yves Offline
Member

Registered: 11/26/03
Posts: 93
Loc: Canada
Quote:
This is wrong. Garnering information for a book out of the pain of others. We don't even have a choice. You glean your information from the posts. If you asked your patients to talk to you, that would be one thing. But to get information from the sharing of others in similar pain, of which you CANNOT understand is just wrong. Please don't tell us that you only take your information from the questions you ask.
deleted by Ken- personal attack?! If it helps even ONE PERSON heal, it is WORTH IT!!

Quote:
Of course, this means I am off-center.

I'm not angry. Just tired of being used for the benefit of others.
Sigh. deleted by Ken for personal attack...

Yves, see my next post. Thanks for being understanding.
Ken

_________________________
You know you love someone when you want them to be happy even though their happiness means you're not part of it. ~Author Unknown~

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