Dear Ken,

Thank you for your insightful words. They are truly helpful and touch on some key issues for me (and others, I am sure).

well.... it's not okay to be gay if you're not gay. I've had the same problems that Hikers wrote of above, and I've been struggling with them for some time -- intensely over the past several months. The presumption that if you have sex with a man, then you are gay is... oddly... wrong. I mean, on the face of things, the answer is, of course we are at least bi-sexual; but I've started to even dismiss that notion. I seek intimacy and love from women. In fact, I have had incredible relationships with women. If anything, I've thrown too much of myself toward them.... But, I have over the past couple of years started to investigate my sexual feelings toward men. And I've found that the only attraction that I can identify is that "recreation" of abuse that happened when I was 14 over a period of about 18 months. There is no doubt in my mind now that I have to resolve some old issues; BUT much doubt still remains in my mind about how I will ultimately learn to deal with men. While I have had a problem for many years in dealing with my male friends, I have not acknowledged it. Now, I realize that I must. I sorta look forward to the journey. But it is a strange one that seems kind of lonely right now.... I mean, to my knowledge none of my friends (or my brother) were sexually abused to the degree that I was. I doubt they'd get it. Or do they even need to know? It's the questions this stuff raises that are the most difficult. One leads to another. I wonder where normal life begins.

the penis the man doth not make. Why do I feel that all men are pigs?

apparently i have been writing in the wrong section. all these comments are exactly what i have been thinking for the last 15 years of my life. i dont think i am gay but have "gay" thoughts and feelings and fit, no matter how hard i try, into the "gay" steriotype. its scary how much these comments are just like what i feel. the need to compete to the point of breaking the opponent. how much rage wells up inside me, as well as fear, when i see a male that is more "masculine"/attractive/older-looking.
i have spent my whole life trying to avoid all this. by hating men, avoiding them in all situations, trying to make myself look like i am still a boy. i have the body of a 13 year old, but i am so much older than that.
i am scared to start a new "friendship" with another man, since they have ALL lead to pain and fear and ultimatly ended very poorly.
As the last post was in mid july i wonder if there will be any response to this or if this is no longer a subject of concern for anyone else on the planet. it is, however, very much a subject of concern for me.
please help

Hi Grayson, This topic was originaly just Ken Singer, stating that the section was open. Other people have posted in here, but most of them have been just thinking Ken for starting this section. The best way of getting the guys to reply to you, is to start a new topic.

This is what basically goes in here, but I have put topics in here that pertained to my identity, and Ken did not move them.

If you start a new topic in here about this, try to give more details as the word gay covers way to much. The details of the stereotype would be nice.

As a example, my personality is more feminine than masculine, but my sex drive is basically interested in females. But there was one gay guy that I was attracted to, but he seemed to have a very feminine personality, and wore female slacks, blouse, and shoes. It took about six months of him being around me, for me to become attracted to him. I did have a affair with him, but there were things wrong about it. After that, I went looking in the library, to read some books on being gay, and what not. While gay did not seem to fit me, a book that talked about loveshy men very much did seem to fit me, and that is what I currently believe I am. I have a topic on it in here somewhere.

Take care,
Clifford

Grayson:
Clifford is on target with his reply. Feel free to post anything here that involves sexuality and identity. If it's not questioning orientation, it might be more appropriate for the gay survivors section if it is about homosexuality per se. I suppose we'll have crossover in both areas.

Only thing, if it gets graphic or may trigger people, put a warning on it. I occasionally delete graphic sexual content if it is bordering (or really into) pornography. This is a public forum.

Ken

Hey my name is David and I just found this area of the site. I am 16 years old and have recently written lots in the Gay Post area. I have always assumed I was gay because my dad always told me I was. I never really thought otherwise but am starting to wonder about this and lots of things. I am confused about all this. I have never actually had a sexual relationship other than the numerous times I was 'made' to do it. I am still in the middle of lots of other things right now, like where I will live etc. so guess its to early to think of all this. Just wondering how one really knows their sexual identity. Seems to me most people fall somewhere inbetween the defined roles? Well thanks for letting me babble

David

David,

Sexual identity isn't a matter of gay v. straight. Damagogues and propagandists would like it to be so simple, but let that be their problem.

The way I like to put it is this:

1. Are you being totally honest with yourself about your sexuality and sexual feelings?

2. Are you honest and responsible in your relations with your sexual partner(s)?

3. Do you feel sexually fulfilled?

If the answer to all three questions is yes, then you should be okay, whatever your sexual orientation and activities are.

The rest of your question is more complicated. An abused boy often thinks he's gay because of abuse. That is, he may think that male/male sex makes him gay. This is apparently what your father thinks.

But that just isn't so. Homosexuality is about a lot more than sex, just as heterosexuality is. It's about who you want as your soulmate, who you love, who you want to share your life with, and so on. And in any case, note the word "share". Abuse isn't about sharing anything, it's about a cruel crime that betrays children and uses them for the amusement of predators.

A boy may also think he's gay because when he was being abused he got erections, felt pleasure, and if he was mature enough, ejaculated and achieved orgasms. But our body is sexual in the first place, David, and a boy will often react physically to abuse even when he fears or dislikes what is being done to him.

You should know that many boys are unsure of their sexual identity at your age, regardless of whether or not they have been abused. It's just that the social pressures of our society keep them from talking about it.

For abused boys the confusion is greater, and that's because the abuse has occurred right at the time when you would usually be laying down the foundations for your adult ideas on who you are sexually and what you think is right and wrong. Abuse wrecks these foundations by removing sex from the domain of normal healthy life and turning it into something linked with fear, danger and shame.

In all honesty David, I doubt that you could really know your sexual identity right now. This is something you will begin to sense yourself from activities like dating, close emotional contacts with people, and taking note of who you find physically attractive. You need to give yourself time and accept that however it turns out it will be okay so long as you are happy and responsible in your sexual relations with other people.

Much love,
Larry

Thanks Larry,

I appreciate your very thoughtful message. I re-read it a few times. On my other Gay Forum post, I got lots of PM's saying I was probably not gay so now am wondering. I still think I am cuz when ever I dream of being in a relationship, it is with an an older man. This might be that because all the 'sex' I ever had was with older men so who knows. See it is confusing. I know I can't solve everything right now but sure wish I could. I will take it easy and it will all fall in place someday I'm sure. Thanks again Larry, you gave me alot to think about. I appreciate you taking time for me. hey, I couldn't PM you cuz your box is full, FYI

Can anybody tell me how to effectively deal with these mixed up emotions? I love my wife to death, but when I get in the "hole" and become more depressed, my mind wonders to these male attractions. Is this normal? How have others dealt with this?