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#378664 - 12/08/11 07:42 AM Re: confused and searching for answers [Re: dave999]
Dexter Offline


Registered: 05/29/11
Posts: 43
Loc: NJ, USA
My God. You have put into words what I have felt for my whole life but could not explain. My mother was my main perp, and my father lived in the same house but was invisible. I had to be all and do whatever to make her happy . My actions in the aftermath areidenticle as well as the confusion. Wanting the male closeness and willing to do whatever to gain it. Then feeling guilty as hell afterwards. So glad to know that I am not the only one that felt/feels this confusion and lack of identity. I'm still not sure who or what I am and sometimes feel I may never really know for sure. Almost 40 years into a marriage that I feel good in, but still have this craving that I struggle with all the time. Thanks for helping me understand myself.


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#385148 - 02/10/12 08:43 AM Re: Open for business [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
Dexter Offline


Registered: 05/29/11
Posts: 43
Loc: NJ, USA
Ok, here goes. I have been approached for sexual activity since I was a kid. from same age friends, ill show you mine you show me yours. Which I think was innocent- age 5-6. to grade school where an older cousin introduced me to masterbation and oral sex I was 8 he was 15-16. This relationship is my issue rite now. Raped at knifepoint at 21 and was married- never told. Married at 20 but acted out with guys from 10 until about 3 weeks ago at 58. Oh, and molested by my mother from 5-13. so women never seemed safe. men, safeR, and the only male attention i ever received. At 59 still confused. Love my wife, 3 amazing kids. bye now sure who i am. is it a real male attraction, compulsion for the 15 minutes of control/contact. Don't want to leave my wife to live a gay life. but occasionally need to have the familiarity of being with a guy. Having REAL trouble around the cousin relationship We still speak but there has been no physical stuff in 30+ years. Don't know who or what the fuck i am and can't find a shrink in my area until May. no new patients. WTF?


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#389719 - 03/18/12 06:32 PM Re: Open for business [Re: Dead Man Talking]
7373dssnn Offline


Registered: 03/17/12
Posts: 10
hey michael
u r not alone with those fantasies


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#389739 - 03/18/12 10:42 PM Re: Open for business [Re: Dexter]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Dexter
Ok, here goes. I have been approached for sexual activity since I was a kid. from same age friends, ill show you mine you show me yours. Which I think was innocent- age 5-6. to grade school where an older cousin introduced me to masterbation and oral sex I was 8 he was 15-16. This relationship is my issue rite now. Raped at knifepoint at 21 and was married- never told. Married at 20 but acted out with guys from 10 until about 3 weeks ago at 58. Oh, and molested by my mother from 5-13. so women never seemed safe. men, safeR, and the only male attention i ever received. At 59 still confused. Love my wife, 3 amazing kids. bye now sure who i am. is it a real male attraction, compulsion for the 15 minutes of control/contact. Don't want to leave my wife to live a gay life. but occasionally need to have the familiarity of being with a guy. Having REAL trouble around the cousin relationship We still speak but there has been no physical stuff in 30+ years. Don't know who or what the fuck i am and can't find a shrink in my area until May. no new patients. WTF?


I thought for a moment that I was reading something, I wrote. Fascinating how that happens. I can really relate to what your saying. I too was abused by my mother. I was abused by my male cousin. Hmmmm...at nearly the same ages as you were.

One of the big differences is: I left my wife 20 years ago to live out my same sex attractions (SSA). I will get into trouble for saying this but, it is my story. I thought the SSA meant I was gay.

I am learning to express my feelings AND I am speaking up about my need for male contact (non-sexual). I have been in intensive therapy for the abuse issues.

Anyway, just saying that I can relate.

Peace,
Avery

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#427316 - 03/06/13 05:27 PM Re: Open for business [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
Kryptic Offline


Registered: 12/20/10
Posts: 24
Loc: USA
"I feel most comfortable with a woman, I still have strong homosexual fantasies. At times I am
accepting of how this is how my life played itself out, but there are other times when I'm emotionally unbalanced and things seem to feel out of control."

...that's exactly how I feel Roderick; you're not alone.
_________________________
"Because if you don't define yourself for yourself, you'll be crushed into other people's image of you, and eaten alive." (Audre Lorde)

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#432814 - 04/29/13 03:49 AM Re: Open for business [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
Antonio78 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/21/13
Posts: 6
Hi Ken,

I'm struggling with my sexual identity, and I decided to read all the post on this topic. I've been married for 9 years, and have 3 wonderful kids. For tha lst year, I can't have any sex with my wife. I don't feel aroused, and I'm having troubl getting turned on. I did have sex with a man, and I don't feel ashame anymore, but I did feel comfortable wih him(this didn't happened before with other experineces I've had with men). These last days, I've been thinking on leaving my wife. Because I felt comfortable(emotionaly attached) with this guy, does it mean I'm gay, or confused? Do you think I can still work my issues to be with my wife? I don'tknow what to do, and I don't want to regret my final decision.

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#458414 - 01/10/14 12:13 PM Re: Open for business [Re: roadrunner]
crockybr Offline


Registered: 01/10/14
Posts: 6
Loc: So Paulo
Thank you Larry, your words are most helpful!
Ive spent 40 years in dark silence. Im now 46. Ive been able to breath again just knowing that I am not alone.
I am happylly married, but have always had sexual attraction to older men, father and grandfather figures. This has led to greater pain and shame. Human sexuality is very complex and our sexuality cannot be defined by one or a few experiences and fantasies.

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#460481 - 02/11/14 10:18 AM Re: Open for business [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
I wondered why is was hyper sexual as a kid. Memories of things came back and it is obvious now.

I had to explore strange thoughts that I wondered how they got in my head. Like I know about this and want it... But I have never done it.... Or have I? Then memories stared coming back.

Perspective. I am happy now with me. Warts and all. I just try and let my wife be every fantasy I have. She is happy and willing.

I think we underestimate how much we are loved, since we often struggle to love ourselves.

Peace
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#472378 - 11/10/14 09:17 PM Re: Open for business [Re: On The Fringe]
Garf Offline


Registered: 11/04/14
Posts: 24
Loc: Oklahoma
Garf here. I have a lot of issues but I think my sexual identity bothers me most of all. I can kind of envision the outcome of most of my problems, but I have no clue about this one.

I just read through the postings on this thread. I believe I saw that SSA is not necessarily the same thing as being gay. Can someone please explain? Perhaps, but not likely, I am SSA rather than gay. My abuse was by a female, not a male.

Anyone want to take a gander at what I am, other than a freak? I am strongly attracted sexually to men - for the sex and to be cared for emotionally by another man. I cannot imagine living a gay lifestyle though. I just, sorry to be so blunt, want to have a secret ongoing sexual and emotional relationship with another guy. Nonetheless, I do not act on any of these feelings. They are just my obsession.

My past, the abuse and encounters, surfaced after the death of my wife. The depression is bad. After going to a grief group for about a year, I started therapy a few weeks ago and am now taking an anti-depressant. Therapy seems to center on accepting and loving and nurturing myself. I suppose if this were possible, my orientation would not matter. I would be happy for whoever or whatever I am.

Men really have these issues? Men really talk about them? Men really accept other deviants and pervs? Men who were abused really get better? Men who hate themselves can change? Men can be healed, regardless of their age?

Any thoughts or suggestions are much appreciated. I am in awe of you all who can admit and deal with these things. Thank you and take care.

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#472410 - 11/11/14 02:14 PM Re: Open for business [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1397
Loc: kansas
Garf,

first off, you are not a freak. I'll repeat, NOT a freak!

you are human. A lot of survivors struggle with this. Heck, a lot of people who haven't even been abused struggle with it.

second, as it gets said often, labels are for cans. You are a good person that went through a horrible experience. Don't let it define who you are. Be who you are on the inside.
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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