the one thing you have to do is remain true to yourself as you at the moment. the moment you try to give what you are not able to give is the moment the lie kicks in and your life spirals from there. i had this same type of issue with lady theo in the early part of our relationship. it was so dificult to respond to her intimately because of my own fears of inadequacy and the hell of what i went through witht he end of my previous marriage. the few times we did attempt intimacy in the beginning were dismal failures from my perspective because....well, you get the picture. the difference was that after each of these failures she held me so close in her arms and told me that she loved me that i am a man, not a gonad (paraphrased of course
, intimate moments are for the ones involved, no?). what i eventually learned and integrated is that my masculinity is not sourced on my performance. this is what we all hear in one way or another, but the proof is in the being held and being validated as a person, not the object we were treated to be. the result in my life has been night and day. with her consistently validating me as a man and as human being regardless of my performance my personal outlook (though suffering greatly recently) has been a 180 and i wont even go into the results of our intimacy....what i will say is that it is no longer a problem.
intimacy for any survivor is such a minefield of danger. respect your own needs in terms of not faking something you cannot fake, but also be very open and honest with her if you think she is capable of knowing the truth. you have talked about her in the past, from what i recall, and from what i hear, i think she can handle the truth that you feel comfortable with sharing. the journey of healing is one big leap of faith. if she is there validating your humanity regardless of performance or your confusion, then she sounds like a real human being that you can trust, but only you can make that call, sean. bottom line, my friend, when you are able to take that leap of faith in another and she validates you it will make the difference you will marvel at the rest of your life, trust me on that one.