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#1299 - 01/13/04 12:00 PM Not sure
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Is it possible to just not know what you feel, or how you feel? I have no idea no more. I am finally feeling a little better, physically, then get sick all over again. Constantly feeling so tired, even when I have slept better the last day or such. Feel afraid, for no reason, just unexplainable fear, not rational. I know realistically the he is not here, him or my father, that they both are in another different country even. But still, feeling small. Feeling little again, and letting them scare me, even when they are not here. But feel crazy to feel that. So then, go back to not knowing what I feel.
Don't know.

leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#1300 - 01/13/04 12:28 PM Re: Not sure
FlyWM Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Michigan
It is possible to not know how to feel and be confused with feelings, that is quite common. Not knowing how to feel is hard and confusing, but at the same time, gives you some latitude, for you to choose, or try to choose anyway. It is not always easy, but we need to try and you need to accept the confusion and fear as a part of you, that's all it is, a part of you, it is not totally you, though at times it may seem like it consumes you, nut you are strong, and you will make it through, confusion and fear or not. Try to believe in yourself and your strength, I believe in you and your strength, you are stronger than you think, and in time you will have power over your fear and confusion.

scott

_________________________
Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible in not a declaration, it's a dare.

--Adidas

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#1301 - 01/13/04 04:04 PM Re: Not sure
Nathan LaChine Offline
Webmaster
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/22/03
Posts: 5379
Loc: Washington State
Leosha,

It always amazes me that years later we are still feeling afraid. Fear is a very basic part of us. You where abused and used and have a right to be afraid. During the abuse alot of us shut down everything so our body is their but our mind is not. Slowly the feelings and memoryís come back to us and our body relives the abuse so that it is incorporated back together. Like a jigsaw puzzle we have one piece (our body) and now we need the other piece (our mind/feelings) to be put back together. Once the pieces are put in place we see the physical and mental parts of our SA during that abuse together.

It is easier to stay in this shut down mode I have found. It kept me alive for so long that I feel safe in my I donít care mode. It took alot of work and loving and caring friends for me to feel again. Time is the keep to healing leosha. Try writing in a journal what you are thinking, feelings, doing that day. Do this once a day for a month and at the end of the month read it out loud to your self. This may give you a better understanding on what you fear, or what makes you uncomfortable.

lots of love, Nathan


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#1302 - 01/13/04 04:55 PM Re: Not sure
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Leosha I echo what all the other brothers have said and here is something I did when I was hustling to help me with my fear. Remember I was a tough hustler too.

I got myself a big stuffed teddy bear that I slept with everynight. He kept away the demons that I dreamt about and helped me through the night terrors and the thoughts about what I had just done to further degrade myself. It worked for me. Give it a try. Everyone deserves an imaginary friend who is a buddy. I just gave him a body.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#1303 - 01/13/04 06:41 PM Re: Not sure
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
I think that the fear that stays with us for years, and which can be triggered unexpectedly after long times of not experieincing it--I think that is the result of the PTSD.

It is good to understand that. I once went to a trauma recovery workshop put on by a man named, Terry Kellogg--at least that is how I remember his name. Well, Terry puts on workshops regularly for police officers, deputy sheriffs, EMT folks etc. They have lots of trauma in their life--they can't escape it.

Emotions--it was such an eye opener for me to find a sheet of paper with somewhere between 100 to 200 emotions on it. I was stuck at mad, sad, gald, afraid, happy.

I type slowly, so I am not tempted to type it up and share it here. But at times I do look at it so that I am not into the limited vocabulary of how I feel.

Many, perhaps most of us, do not have the opportunity to just deal with the pain and terror in life. Leosha, you have a lot of responsibilites, to sponsors, students, etc., plus working to get over the physical aches that wear one out. Somedays, you will just want to numb out. I am not sure that is all bad. We need a break now and then. For me, my duties at school keep me running from mid august to mid july. When I can, I like to just do nothing. I can only do that for a day or two at most. Because I need to keep running to keep ahead of the things I still do not want to have to work at or dwell on. I'm pretty sure I am not unique there.

I like the idea of the Teddy Bear Mikey--I would like to find a huge one--but the only ones I see are small and really expensive.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#1304 - 01/13/04 07:14 PM Re: Not sure
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Brother Leo,

As you know, I understand this right now. Also, with so much other stress in my life (got criticized by my co-workers for being generally nuts and not doing my work - and this from people who kinda know what I'm going thru!), I sometimes think I'm unravelling at the seams.

The thing to remember (for both of us! :rolleyes: ) is that this will pass, and we will feel "normal" (what the hell is that?!?) sometime soon. Things are not as bad as they seem.

Focus on the positives, Leo. They will get us by in these times (even when we don't believe it necessarily).

Peace and love, brother.

Scot \:D

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#1305 - 01/13/04 11:48 PM Re: Not sure
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Leosha,

I am not sure what I am feeling. I have fears that I do not know where they come from. Others I know the root, but still can't shake the fear. I have this burning lump inside my chest. It feels like it is trying to get up my throat and leap out. I think that is all my bundled fealings that I need to learn to know. I don't know how I feel about my perpetrators. I don't know if I am angery at them, I don't know if I fear them, I don't know if I pity their souls, I just don't know.

I was also was a victim of physical abuse by my first ex-wife. There are a few similarities between her and my boss, which I am attracted to. (Also, the first three of my preps were my boss) Whenever my boss walks by me and does any sudden movements, like shuffling the papers she is reading or brushing her hair out of her eyes, I flinch, big time. I duck, I jump out of the way, or whatever the defense mechanism my body and mind thinks is appropiate at the time. She keeps asking me why I always am flinching around her and saying that she has never hit me. I don't know if this is an rational fear or not.

I have an extreme fear of water. This started when I fell through the ice while fishing and became trapped beneath it (as you can tell, I did find the hole and made it out). Consequently, I have a panic attack every morning when I take a shower. This is an irrational fear that I know the basis. I know that I am not going to drown washing my hair.

I am terrified of heights. Not the fear of falling that most people confuse with the fear of heights, but the actual thing. I can not look out a window of a multiple story building unless I am on the first floor. I am getting to the point that I starting to be able to look out a second story window. I have no idea where that comes from.

So what I am trying to say in my ramblings. Yes it is possible to not know your own feelings. Yes, it is possible to fear something that is not there in front of you now. You are not crazy for feeling, nor are you crazy for not knowing what you are feeling.

Take care,
Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#1306 - 01/14/04 04:58 AM Re: Not sure
Angry_youth_86_Keith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/06/02
Posts: 103
Loc: Olympia, Washington
I have a simular accurance with differnt circumstances *my abuse doesn't come to me visualy* But I do always feel somthing in me that is undefineable even to my T..or me. I am a pretty good person at talking/thinking/saying what I feel. So I think some things are just mysteries about our selfs and we just need to find what might unlock those things b/c I strongly belive everything in us can be released some how to the consious part of the brain.

_________________________
"Ignoring mortality, we worship mediocrity"- Greg Graffin

"Live fast, die young, leave a great looking corpse"-Ronny Van Zant

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#1307 - 01/14/04 01:47 PM Re: Not sure
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
Sometimes being patient with myself and forcing myself to take things more slowly is really difficult.

Being self-forgiving and self-accepting can be really hard too.

I have to remind myself that recovery is a process. A guy here at MS has recently reminded me also that the line between victimhood (which we all naturally experience) and survivor-hood is taking charge of my life and deciding that I want change for myself.

That is not, I think, something that happens overnight. I experience it as an on-going thing, something that I work on on my own trying to remind myself about it and with my therapist in a different way (building self-confidence).

I also think that what is buried in the subconcious can become something which we become conciously aware of. If we push that however we might re-traumatize. I try to remember to tell myself to take it easy.

Leosha, I so agree that it is extra hard to deal with stuff when I am physically ill. I hate it and feel incredibly down and hopeless when that happens.

Brett

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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#1308 - 01/14/04 08:28 PM Re: Not sure
ak Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
You know I do not feel, realy. I do feel scare of them sometime, with them not here near me. I do not know why that happen. I am sorry you still feel that. You know I am your friend and am with you in this. Thank you to help me so much, I hope I can help you too. Andrei


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