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#12934 - 01/19/04 01:41 PM How do I go back to how I was?
FlyWM Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Michigan
THe other night I went to a bowling alley with some friends, and just my luck, I ran into one of my abusers. Sadly I can't say I told him to f*** off or walked away, I froze, and he touched my sheek saying "Still such a beautiful boy, I've missed you so," threw mer into a flashback so I froze even more, and I haven't been myself since, been even more 'hypeer-vigilant' always watching out, anyone gets to near me and I freeze or freak out, or both. I don't know how to make myself get back to how I was, I was hyper-vigilant before, but this is reidiculous, any advice would be greatly appreciated, I just want to be back to my normal, I know I was screwed up before this happened, but it's even worse now.

scott

_________________________
Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible in not a declaration, it's a dare.

--Adidas

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#12935 - 01/19/04 01:59 PM Re: How do I go back to how I was?
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
scott,
i have had waking nightmares of just this scenario. i have no words of experience or advice to help you reground. that moron victimized you again with that repulsive touch. allow yourself to get angry, if you can.....but definitely in a safe place. i would say go to a gym or a workout place and picture his face on a punching bag and just knock the living s*it out of it. if such a place is too triggering, then go to a store and buy on if you can to do it in the privacy of your own room. such acts of directed violence against an inanimate object can be such a catharsis for venting the rage and violation you feel. if you can manage this, throw a few for me too \:\) .

i am here if you need me.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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#12936 - 01/19/04 02:13 PM Re: How do I go back to how I was?
survive75 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 304
Loc: Massachusetts
This is every victim's nightmare. I know it is mine. It happened to me once when I was about 15 - my stepdad came back for a "visit" and I just sat there dumbfounded with a weird smile on my face as he told me how big I'd become.

I wish I knew what to tell you. That paralyzing fear and inability to move/speak is hell. Because you beat yourself up afterwards for not doing something in the moment. And you obsess over everything you wish you had done or said. It's horrible. But I've come to grips with it because in mental reality, seeing him again made me turn into a 4-year old on the spot. You become the age you were when you were abused - just as helpless as you were then, despite the fact that you are an adult now.

I don't know if this helps... getting back to where you were will take a little time, but it will happen. PM me if you need to.

-Sean

_________________________
-Sean

"Even though I know/I donít want to know/Yeah I guess I know/I just hate how it sounds"

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#12937 - 01/19/04 02:20 PM Re: How do I go back to how I was?
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Scott,

As I have told you that night, I am sorry that happened. The fear you felt and the flashbacks are quite understandable. I got to say that I am proud of you that you didn't fall back into his trap, his power play, and that you are fighting not to.

I'd like to share some words of wisdom that ScottyTodd told me. Very good words from a very good man.

Quote:
To work at resolving the anger/rage, I suggest you be sensitive to the building up of stress as you talk about the abuse or your .... These may be butterflies in the stomach; rapid heart beat; deeper breathing; feelings of building pressure in your stomach area or your chest, etc.). If you catch that early enough you can try:

1.taking a walk 6. excercising, wgts
2.take a time out 7. work in garden
3.change thinking 8. listen to some
4.write feelings out favorite music
5.go for a run 9. scream in a pillow

There are at least 26 ways to address stress/anger and rage. One suggestion, punching a punching bag may be not the best - although most people think of that first. Why? If you learn that punching things calms you down when there is no punching bag, pillow, couch cushion, etc. what do you punch? , Learning less violent forms to calm down is best.
You are on the right track, talking about what is bothering you. The answer is within you. You are not at fault, guilty, or have reason to be ashamed. Your perpetrator is at fault, guilty, warped in the mind, and a a$$h@!&. Stand tall, stand proud, as you are a good person.

Take care,
Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#12938 - 01/19/04 02:46 PM Re: How do I go back to how I was?
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
bill's quoted caveat is vitally important and is true. violence when exhibited during highly charged moments are volatile and can indeed lead to a desensitization of using violence as an outlet. there is a difference in violence and directed catharsis though. violence is violence and should be avoided at all costs. self defense and catharsis are not aspects of violence. there is a distinction here that i cannot articulate right now, but it does exist. when a person is in a rage for having been victimized there needs to be some kind of release or that rage becomes internalized. we all know this from personal experience. sometimes, that rage has to be vented in the most demonstrative way possible, hence, the recourse to the punching bag or similar. such a directed cathartic vent can empower an individual to regain what was felt to be lost. i ask myself what i would have felt had i been able to safely vent the rage i feel, the answer is that i think i would have learned that safely venting true rage in a safe place is better than redirecting that rage into a more creative expression that would somehow lend credibility to the lie that we cannot feel anger at having been victimized....it reinforces the lie that are not to be able to feel outraged at having been hurt. sometimes rage is rage and not just frustrated confusion. that rage has to be honestly recognized and validated or it becomes the specter that haunts our dreams and explodes in a moment that is so tragic for self and other innocents. recognize the distinction, own it, and safely validate it where no one is harmed.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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#12939 - 01/19/04 07:05 PM Re: How do I go back to how I was?
Angry_youth_86_Keith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/06/02
Posts: 103
Loc: Olympia, Washington
Well I belive that when your strong enough and have recovered enough. seeing and telling him off would be very good for you. It gives a weird sense that he's been forced to hear you when your strong and upright and head strong. He then is forced to live with that memory of you that he didn't ruin your life *even if he did* he thinks he didn't and it will eat him inside and he deserves it. when I was 10 they tryed to do that with me but I tryed to walk into the jail with a gun *my dads truck* and..stupid me didn't think of the metal dectectors so I think even 7 years later iv got a long way to go or id probably try to kill him again. So what i am getting at is..1. seeing him when ur strong enough will be good 2. U handled that situation better then I would have because i would have ripped him apart with my bear hands and loved every second of it.

_________________________
"Ignoring mortality, we worship mediocrity"- Greg Graffin

"Live fast, die young, leave a great looking corpse"-Ronny Van Zant

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#12940 - 01/19/04 11:14 PM Re: How do I go back to how I was?
blueelectron9 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/07/02
Posts: 387
Loc: Victoria, BC Canada
I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. I wish I had a magic pill (or gun) that could make it all go away.

I've had to give up some old friendships because they were getting gross with comments and such, but nothing directly from my perp (she's in jail).

In a way, she haunts me because of a lot of trauma bonds and enmeshment. I can't begin to fathom the creepy feeling that that must have.

I wish you peace.

--Scotty

_________________________
An odd duck who likes even numbers.

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#12941 - 01/20/04 05:04 AM Re: How do I go back to how I was?
Tribear Offline
Member

Registered: 11/09/03
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
Quote:
Originally posted by FlyWM:
I froze, and he touched my sheek saying "Still such a beautiful boy, I've missed you so,"
(Warning--Possible Trigger in here).

Scott,

That guy is such a sicko, and what he said to you makes me angry. I hope I'm not overstepping a boundary in feeling that way about your recent experience with him.

There are a bunch of sickos out there, that's for sure. The way he said it, IMO, was as if it was supposed to be some kind of compliment or something??? That's so disgusting and perverted of him.

(Trigger alert): It reminds me of the business guys in nice suits who seem respectable, but book tours of the far east, with the specific purpose of finding the youngest girl prostitutes possible. There are companies that SPECIALIZE in offering such tours. These 'tourists' even tell themselves they are helping the poor impoverished girls support themselves. If that's what they really wanted to do, they could make donations, with no sexual acts required. It's gross, and a total disregard of anyone's needs but their own. So too the bowling alley guy's drooling comment as I see it. It reminds me of the same mentality.

FWIW, in my case, part of my seeming lack of action at times is a deliberate exercise in restraint. I don't know if it's that way with anyone else or not. But some part of me knows that if I react the way I really feel inside, the anger lying just under the surface may explode and get me into big trouble. So sometimes I stay quiet or still instead, which is not what I'd prefer. Because, then I feel guilty and ashamed and powerless for not telling someone I'm not a target anymore. and they better watch their step.

The trick now is learning that there IS middle ground, that I can react with control, and so show anyone present that I am not powerless, without throwing a punch or verbally raging. Maybe practicing some firm-but-controlled responses inadvance, to similar situations, would help, I don't know.

I'm switching tonight, and know I'm wandering a little here, but I hope my empathy and support for you shows through. It's hard to change old ways like freezing, but not without reason. The conditioning process is strong and effective, but it's not unbreakable. That's been proven too.

I don't look down on you for your reaction, if that matters to you, and I wish you better days ahead.

Regards,

Tribear


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#12942 - 01/20/04 10:56 AM Re: How do I go back to how I was?
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
this makes me angry- i can't believe he would still torment you like this -

i know this kind of person though - the same who did it to me -

scott these triggers happen to me as well - whether seeing or having phantom stuff from my childhood comeback - they come back on a daily basis -

i do not know what advice to say - except find yourself - find your interests -focus on them -
your survival day to day - the basics - and then
be around people who make you feel safe -
ocassional i still jump even if it is someone trying to help -

i guess it is something i have to contend with
everyday - but
if you can focus at least i am trying - to focus on my interests - this seems to keep those moments
that allow for the fear to arise - at bay - or away -

hope this helps -

markgb

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#12943 - 01/20/04 01:21 PM Re: How do I go back to how I was?
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
What he did was terrible. It is amazing to me how bold and hurtful these creeps continue to be.

Fortunately I have not experienced that exact thing. I do however revert to being a small child whenever an authority figure of any kind makes any kind of comment on how I should've or could've done something or looks at me in a sexual way.

I feel stupid about it but I am afraid, confused, very angry, etc. when that happens.

It was the bus driver this morning. He almost drove past me and then told me how I could make/could've made myself be seen. It is a strange little thing. I'm sure it seemed or would've seemed perfectly ordinary to anyone else but it certainly did not feel that way to me.

If I hadn't been practicing being conciously aware of my feelings and where they come from I would still be feeling all those things and barely able to do anything else today. Might have to leave work and struggle getting home just so I wouldn't have to be around people. That used to happed a lot. For years I could not hold down a job for long and was unemployed for periods of time.

I suppose it is progress to be more aware. It is progress but I still revert to being a child inside whenever that happens and I hate it.

As I was thinking about my feelings and where they came from I sort of saw myself as a child running toward an adult who stood with open arms, understanding, loving, protective--what I did not have as a child. (The child part of myself did not make it to those arms. They seemed far, far away.)

Its a sad feeling to not have that and to think I might not ever. Well I can't go back and have that. But feeling safe finally would be nice. Feeling confident in the world and able to face others as a knowing, feeling adult.

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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