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#129197 - 09/26/04 05:20 PM What attracts you to someone?
Yves Offline
Member

Registered: 11/26/03
Posts: 93
Loc: Canada
I've been thinking about this for some time, wondering why one person can be attracted to another person, when on the outside, there seems nothing, or at least little, likeable about the person.

My partner, with whom I live, has recently been unfaithful. The woman that this happened with is not bad looking, but I must say that she is not particularly good looking either. They have known each other, and been friends, since childhood, which seems to be the only thing they have going for them.

So, what attracts you to someone? (Part of me is wondering if he might fall in with someone else someday, and what would he be attracted to? And what if it happened to me?)

Here are some items in the order they generally happen for me. What does everyone else think? What order would you put them in? What would you add? What would you delete?

- Certain physical trait (Eyes)
- Body language
- Attitude (ie friendly disposition)
- Overall physical appearance
- Intelligence
- Sexual attraction (ie body reaction)

_________________________
You know you love someone when you want them to be happy even though their happiness means you're not part of it. ~Author Unknown~

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#129198 - 09/27/04 12:11 AM Re: What attracts you to someone?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Yves
I've been married for thirty years, so I've forgotton what attracted me back then, and I was very, very drunk. But so was she! \:D

All my life I've looked at slim girls and women because I find them attractive, but my wife isn't slim.
Not doing very well so far, I'm drunk, she's drunk, and she ain't slim. And It has to be said that I probably wasn't much of a catch back then either, when I look at old pictures I cringe :rolleyes:

But I do remember we laughed so much, had so much fun, and when I woke up in the morning not even the hangover could stop me thinking about her.
I'd lost her phone number by then, so I drove to someone we discovered we both knew when we talked the night before, found out where she lived and drove straight there. The rest as they say, is history! \:D

Attraction's a strange thing, I guess we just 'know' when it's right.

Dave \:\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#129199 - 09/27/04 01:33 AM Re: What attracts you to someone?
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Here's my rating:

1. Overall physical appearance
2. Attitude (ie friendly disposition)
3. Intelligence
4. Certain physical trait (that red hair!)
5. Sexual attraction (ie body reaction)
6. Body language

I met my wife on a blind date 16 years ago (one of my ex-girlfriends set us up!), and 4 weeks later I asked her to marry me. It was soooooo right, and we both knew it.

_________________________
Eddie

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#129200 - 09/28/04 12:06 PM Re: What attracts you to someone?
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
There are a lot of things that attract me to someone and physical appearance is at the bottom of the list. It may get you to look but that's all it does.

My first wife was 280 pounds. I though she was beautiful (still do). I fell in love with her talking to her on the telephone. Shortly after we met I was sent out of town to work for 3 or 4 months. What hooked me was her attitude and self-confidence. And some need little quirks, body movements like the twichy thing she did with her eye when she was saying "oh my gawd, did you just say that" to herself.

The true beauty of a person is so much more than the physical looks you see when you look at them.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. ((((((((( Yves )))))))))

Take care,
Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#129201 - 09/28/04 06:38 PM Re: What attracts you to someone?
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
One of the most upsetting things about my boyfriend's "Ms. X" was that she did not measure up to me at all, in most of the ways that you would think are important. I am more mature, better looking, MUCH smarter, funnier, and I have more in common with my boyfriend. Why choose her? How can I compete with someone who is winning for NO reason? It was honestly insulting. If he'd found someone who had something over me, I would understand... but her? Did he just want to be with ANYONE but me?

The only thing I could think of on my own, was that she was "nicer" than I am... I am not really social or smiley or affectionate, and I know I come across as cold to some people. I asked my boyfriend if this was the case, he said she talked about herself more than I do but she wasn't really nice or especially good-hearted.

His "attraction" had nothing to do with her, and everything to do with him and his life. I don't always think that opposites attract but I do think that we seek out what we are missing. And honestly what he found in her had nothing to do with attraction the way it's being discussed in this thread, more to do with power and vulnerability.

It is a terribly insecure feeling to really believe that your partner loved you the whole time they were doing something that would hurt you. If you loved me then, what's to stop you from hurting me now? Not love, right? \:\(

Yves, I am sorry.
Sar


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#129202 - 09/28/04 07:13 PM Re: What attracts you to someone?
Dan88 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/02
Posts: 247
Loc: DC
Boy, I think attraction is incredibly complicated. On a physical level, it can be about one certain feature that someone has, or just about the way they hold themselves.

On a psychic level, it's about the way someone conducts themselves, their personality and temperment or just how they treat you.

As a survivor, this is one area where my wires have been really crossed up. From my earliest memories, sex always went hand in hand with abuse. Love, on the other hand, was something that was fleeting and disappeared. This sets up the conflict within me that you can have someone who loves you or you can have someone who's sexy. But the two don't go together. Why, after all, would you have sex -- essentially an abusive act in my experience -- with someone you loved.

For years, this caused me to be attracted to women who are cold and tempermental and distant (though not actually abusive.) This is one of the few things I learned from all the affairs I've had over the years. I was dating a woman while I was still in a commited relationship. She was divorced and told me that what she really liked about our relationship was the chance to care for someone. In fact, when I stopped by her place she would always usher me into the living room and make me sit down and relax while she would fix a meal or a snack or a drink. I really felt awkward about it. I used to think, how bizarre this is. She's doing something really nice for me. Then one day it dawned on me that maybe that's what your partner is supposed to do for you, to care for you and look after you and try to make you more comfortable just like you do for her. What a mind blowing revelation. Ah well, the things you learn when you're least expecting it.

I'm sorry you're experiencing this too, Yves. I hope everything works out for the best.

Dan


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#129203 - 09/28/04 08:29 PM Re: What attracts you to someone?
CFO Dave Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/14/04
Posts: 104
Loc: Millis MA
I've been asked many times lately to explain why I first fell in love with my wife. Our first meeting was 17 years ago but it didn't take long to come up with the answer. While the items stay pretty much the same, the order always changes.

On the first night we met I saw so much about her all in such a short time. It was love at "first night"

I joined a chorus and she was in it, so I knew she was talented.

She was an officer of the chorus so I knew she had leadership skills, self confidence, and was well liked.

A group of us went out for drinks after rehearsal and I got to see her in a more casual setting and I found that she was funny and smart. She seemed to know so much about world news too.

She drank with me beer for beer and she smoked too! \:D

She was a free spirit... She had purple spiked hair and buttons all over her jean jacket

She's petite, great eyes, and a fabulous rear.

We talked and laughed all night and we've been friends ever since. Even though our 12 year marriage is pretty rocky right now, we're still friends and still enjoy each others company.

Yves,

As you can see from the various posts, there's no one thing and no one order. Further, sometimes the actions of the unfaithful partner just don't make any sense to the hurt partner. I'm very sorry you're in the position you're in.

Quote:
(Part of me is wondering if he might fall in with someone else someday, and what would he be attracted to? And what if it happened to me?)
It's important to understand what caused the infidelity. The cause may run deeper than just attraction. Also, you need to believe and trust that it won't happen again. Unfortunately that is a very hard thing to do. It's something I've been struggling with and I don't have any good advice.

As for it happening to you too.... Only if you let it and since you know what it feels like to be the hurt partner I don't think you will let it happen.

Good luck

_________________________
"We deceive ourselves when we fancy that only weakness needs support. Strength needs it far more."
-Madame Swetchine

"The soul that is within me no man can degrade."
-Frederick Douglas

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#129204 - 09/29/04 12:28 PM Re: What attracts you to someone?
jwwells Offline
Member

Registered: 09/10/04
Posts: 34
Loc: Ontario
I first met my wife, in the flesh, five years ago this week. I was on the internet a few weeks before meeting her, giving a lecture on female sex offenders, (I've published on the topic): I was ICQ'd by someone wtih her handle set to "lusty." It turned out to be my now step-daughter, trolling for men to chat with her mother (my now wife). Obviously, I thought it was one of the students pulling a stupid practical joke, as students adore doing....

We had our first date on the "I'm not doing anything important right now so why not?" basis.

I first saw her in her daughter's kitchen with all of her children and their friends and her daughter's husband all packed around us. My first thought was "Hmmm, cute, but so small!" My 47 year old wife is about the size and shape of the average 10 year old girl.

The first date went well, not great, but good enough for another. What started the change was her defence of the boyfriend of her niece (during the second date). Her niece had falsely charged her boyfriend with abusing her: My wife (girlfriend at the time??? not quite...) was going to court to stop the charges. Her anger over the incident together with her willingness to do what she knew was right was the highest turn on I could imagine.

After the sixth date I asked her to go camping with me in Virginia. She agreed. When we got to the base of the mountains, it was raining far too hard to get up into the back-country. We talked briefly and spontaneously decided to go to Atlanta to see my brother and her nephews: That ability to make changes was the second big attraction.

There was a BIG problem during that trip. That being her size/shape and sexuality. I got up behind her and was so totally grossed out by what I saw that everything came to a crashing halt. She looked like a 10 year old: I saw a 10 year old instead of her....

It took almost an hour of thinking "This is a 40 something, chain-smoking farmer and grand-mother with big attitude and a warped sense of humour" to make the change to actual sexuality. More importantly, she understood MY problem!

We've been married slightly over four year now and it is great.

jw

_________________________
Say what you mean: Mean what you say.
Whatever you say: Say it with love.
The Moody Blues: Keys to the Kingdom

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#129205 - 09/29/04 04:55 PM Re: What attracts you to someone?
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
For me, one of the main things that first got my attention was the voice. My partners voice was one that resonated with me, but showed me how caring he was, how kind, compassionate and very insightful. It is the most beautiful and attractive thing I find in him.

I also find my partner to just be a very caring, accepting and non judgemental person. I've never known anyone quite like this and it is totally opposite of what I have experienced all my life. He is such a pure person and this is one of the best things I love about him.

As far as physical goes, I think he is just right as he is a "cuddly" person to me. He's just right for me in so many ways.

We met over the internet in an online support forum. Than one day when a group of mutual friends met, we got make our first acquaintance with each other. I remember how much we talked that night and just how much we cared and supported one another from the very first moment we met. Of course the rest is history now as we have been together almost 5 years.

It's hard to put all of this down into one post because there is so much more and I definately wouldn't trade him for anything.

To me attraction is much more than the physical or any one trait. And as I read through these posts, it is far different for each person.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#129206 - 10/19/04 10:30 AM Re: What attracts you to someone?
forlauren Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/04
Posts: 63
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
apparently I'm attracted to victims of child sexual abuse. It happens to me over and over and over again.
But I'm gonna get some emdr therapy for it


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