Newest Members
Robert Barrett, lostsoul824, beatcook, MassGuy, wiresguy1
12278 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
4113 (60), Andre M, (36), catchup22 (62), jim OCA 7 (57), sidhearthur (55), SkyClad (65)
Who's Online
4 registered (Suwanee, gettingstronger, ethereo222, 1 invisible), 29 Guests and 2 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12278 Members
73 Forums
63171 Topics
441729 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#129040 - 09/05/04 02:33 PM more lessons learned: journal entry...long
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
below is the entire entry of my journal. once again, i ask that no discussion of details be made, just the insights the entry points to, if any, for those who read it. i have not shared this to paint a picture one way or the other, just to share my lessons learned in hopes others can learn.

***************
***************

9-5-04—1049hrs—Sunday

I am still trying to put the past year into a perspective that would enable me to continue on with my life. In a way, there is already a certain emotional distance regarding LT. That is not to say that I do not feel the loss profoundly, or that I am burying it again. It is saying that the distance is having some kind of effect on my perception of the aftermath.

My therapist told me that even though I did become wrapped up in myself this past year, it was not motivated by selfishness. With what she saw during our sessions, I was trying to get better for self, and relationship. Yes, I did some stupid things like Caveworld, but without any other intervention, there was nothing else I could have done. She reminded me about my need to escape via some extreme way, to effectively respond to the extreme memories of the abuse I had recalled. I am not a saint, or a victim in what happened. At times, I was an ass, but what I have to remind myself is that overall, I was trying to get better. I was not being a prick like abusers I have known who went after what they wanted simply because they wanted to. Caveworld was a mistake in many ways. It was a selfish response to a legitimate issue that hurt LT very much. There was no other way it could have played out though. My therapist also said that even though LT was afraid, she still had the choice of telling me somehow of what she felt. That was her legitimate, and reasonable responsibility. The intervention that would have changed it all was her choice to tell me what she was really feeling. I want to believe that her fear incapacitated her ability to reach out to me because that would absolve her pf her responsibility in what happened. My therapist pointed out that though she was afraid, she still could have told me something. This was not her fault. It was just her role in what happened. I never knew, because she never told me, and she chose not to tell me what I needed to know in order to find alternatives. Yes, I became self-absorbed. Yes, I was an actual ass at times. I wanted to get better, though. That does not excuse my choices, or my behavior, but it does say the intent to harm was never there. Intention is very important. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I took for granted that she would tell me what she was feeling and based my choices, in part, on that belief.

There are times that I feel almost balanced. I can actually see things objectively about what happened and see the future again as something potentially positive. The clarity I feel at these times enables me to take a few tentative steps forward in healing. For instance, I know I have to go back to the source of what has driven me so mercilessly. I have to go back to the sacrifice. I can never have peace until I can face what happened back then. Whether it was a symbol of general abuse, or an actual event, I have to face it. Without the truth, I will continue to hate myself for the human mistakes I have made and for those who have been harmed by those mistakes. I cannot give myself any room for error, or my humanity, because I have been driven by the spectre of the sacrifice and what it has meant to my subconscious mind.

I also have to own the relationship of my abuser. I have avoided reference to the maternal relationship because it was just too painful. However, by keeping that distance, though helpful in the short-term, I have also been unable to really face the implications of the abuse by her and her former husband. I have been unable to accept the horror of it being she that did many of these things to me as a child. Without that emotive connection to the relationship, the dealing with the implications would only be superficial.

I also find myself looking back on my former marriage relative to the insight about what happened between LT and I. Former Wife and I both also became wrapped up in our individual worlds. We took the abilities and the intentions of the other for granted. There was no other way it could have played out either. What would the intervention have been to salvage the marriage? We drifted apart over many years and Former Wife finally could no longer accept the situation.

I think Sar said that the strength of LT and Former Wife to leave was essentially a feminine strength to protect the self. She also said that my dedication to both relationships was also a strength, just a different kind. I had asked the question of how they were able to finally leave, when I never would have been able to no matter what. Both had individual strengths. That is important.

In essence, both relationships had to play out as they did because none of us were able to see beyond our individual blinders. Both ended badly through the way they left, but it was ending anyway because neither of us was really able to share self with the other to combine the strengths into a genuine relationship. We all tried, in our individual ways, but if we could not effectively communicate, the efforts would be working against each other without realizing it.

It is these moments of clarity and coherence that I can see what really happened without feeling victimized through the issues of abandonment and betrayal, or self-hatred for being a failure and hurting those I loved. It is moments such as these that allow me to see hope and truth…the horizon. I hate the fact that it was simple humanity that mainly contributed to the loss of both relationships. Why? Not so much that I hate being human, though I do find myself feeling that intensely at times, it is because human stupidity has been the cause of so much pain. There is no real answer in the search for meaning when the bottom line is something so asinine as simple human fallibility. There is no real meaning in the answer to pain that it happens because we are blind to what is going on, or our own weaknesses. What comfort can be bestowed to grief when the answer is, “it was only human?” Where are the meaning and the consolation that our pain means something when it is simple human fallibility?

Perhaps the real question should be does there have to be meaning in our pain. For me, the unequivocal answer is yes. There has to be meaning to why we suffer. Why? Because otherwise, the pain would be apparently pointless. It would mean that pain and grief happen because of human stupidity. I feel like I am going in circles here. There has to be meaning to the journey. There has to be something the journey points to. Otherwise, we are simply drifting. That is why the loss of those I loved is so bitter. Not that I hate the world, or anything like that. It simply means that the loss happened because human error, and the loss were profound for both. Where is courage to be found when no real meaning can be given to loss so profound but human blindness?

Even when I was in the state of mind I was before where I was constantly on guard and walking on eggshells did not help. Super vigilance was not an acceptable alternative because pain was still there. I cannot accept the shoulder shrug and “oops” dismissiveness of being human. That seems to me to be irresponsible. I also cannot accept super vigilance, because I know it does not work. Where is the balance?

Perhaps the real question is how do those who have not experienced profoundly dysfunctional lives strike the balance? It is not so much a statement of normallacy as it is one of healthy perspective. There is a sensitivity to some aspects of life that those who are survivors of any profound trauma have that those who do not, cannot grasp. This sensitivity has a high price, for many, the ultimate price. It is not a price one would pay by choice. Once the price is paid, and we survive, we are then gifted with something few have, and wish that even fewer had it. Regardless, we see things many are not able to. Gift or curse, it is there. This is why I struggle with the questions I have. How could the two I loved leave me when I never could have? Not from a victim’s perspective, or a judgmental one, just a question of how they could, when I could not.

Sentience is flawed in the sense of narcisstic tendencies and arrogance. Leaving aside spiritual arguments, that flaw is the basis for much of the pain we experience, and inflict on those we share our journeys with. Perfection is over-rated. Yes, I did say that. Is the freedom we have to choose the same as this flaw? If so, then it is the choice each of us have in responding to this fallibility of narcissism and arrogance that really defines our humanity instead of the weakness inherent in the flaws. This is why the answer of our human weakness is so deplorable for me. We can be better. When the answer to tragedies is simple human flaw, that means we chose, at some level, to be less then we could be. That is why it is unacceptable to me. A tragedy happened not because of something beyond our control, but because of our own choice. This is not saying that being a victim is a choice. As children, there is no choice. When being forced against our will, there is no choice. It is when we do have a choice and decide to be less than we can be that I struggle with. Perfection? Hardly. Effort. It is effort to continuously reach beyond that is the strength of that freedom to choose. That is what I want to reach for. That is where the meaning to a journey really becomes tangible. Otherwise, we drift into autonomy, and isolation of journeys.

Bridgebuilders excerpt:

Of the earth
And of my hands
This, which is holy
That I might find strength
To listen
That I might learn
To hear
That I might remember
To reach
That I might yet stand

That I might stand
To embrace
The Law
Of my Surrender
As I Serve
On my Path
All of the Earth
So be it


- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- Lord, you are my source, not my object. Like you, I embrace the kingdom our Father has given us to manifest
- It was not given to life to broker the Kingdom, but to manifest it
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

Top
#129041 - 09/06/04 06:33 PM Re: more lessons learned: journal entry...long
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Theo I think about this too.

Quote:
I cannot accept the shoulder shrug and “oops” dismissiveness of being human. That seems to me to be irresponsible. I also cannot accept super vigilance, because I know it does not work. Where is the balance?

Perhaps the real question is how do those who have not experienced profoundly dysfunctional lives strike the balance? It is not so much a statement of normallacy as it is one of healthy perspective.
But I would say the "real" question is, how can I do this, from MY healthiest perspective? Usually for me that question translates to-- What advice would I give a friend?

SAR


Top
#129042 - 09/07/04 05:01 PM Re: more lessons learned: journal entry...long
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
sar,
thank you for your response. for a friend? for me, that was always different because i could allow my friend the benefit of a doubt i could never offer myself.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

Top
#129043 - 09/07/04 10:26 PM Re: more lessons learned: journal entry...long
Pollyanna Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/10/03
Posts: 211
Loc: Missouri
Perhaps the real question is how do those who have not experienced profoundly dysfunctional lives strike the balance? It is not so much a statement of normallacy as it is one of healthy perspective.

((((((((((Theo))))))))))

You mention "normal". I already had one person recently tell me I couldn't possibly understand because I'm "normal". What the heck is "normal"?

I think everyone has something dysfunctional in life because nobody's perfect. I tried it; it just doesn't work! I think "balance" is created differently by everyone because of individual strengths and weaknesses.

The important thing is that we learn from things. I think you said that a lot more eloquently, but I heard it. If life is a test, it's definitely a "person specific" one. Everyone can "win". I know I'm NOT going through all the crap to fail. Uh uh. You definitely sound like you have the desire and the fortitude to move forward.

Once again, you win. It may not feel like much of a victory right now, and I know things hurt, but you are winning.

I hope you find peace.

Hugs,
Lynn

_________________________
"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up."

– Anne Lamott

Top
#129044 - 09/08/04 09:09 AM Re: more lessons learned: journal entry...long
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
lynn,
thank you for responding, and the compassion. normallacy would seem to be an oxymoron in one sense that it is contradictory as a state. its opposite is just as bad, relativity iin the sense that all are equal. i have had to face some very uncomfortable insights about my own role in what happened this past year. i have also had to accept some other very disturbing implications that is beyond my own control. i can accept now that i was an ass at times, but not a schmuck in the sense that i did not care about those around me. that is a distinction i need to maintain for my own peace of mind, and one that is most difficult to do so.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

Top
#129045 - 09/08/04 11:30 AM Re: more lessons learned: journal entry...long
Pollyanna Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/10/03
Posts: 211
Loc: Missouri
Hey Theo

Yeah, we're equal, but not the same. That's nice, cuz we can learn from each other, but it's also sometimes frustrating cuz we don't feel understood. I always wanted to be an individual, and stand out somehow...but never wanted to make waves. All 'waves' aren't BAD waves!

All of us are responsible for some things, and not responsible for other things. You have decided to take responsibility for some things. For me, that is always very "freeing". That seems backwards, but I can't DO anything about someone else's mess ups or "quirks". I CAN do something about mine. Ha! Maybe THAT'S why everything's always MY FAULT!! If I can just fix "me" the world will be so much better! :rolleyes:

I guess more and more as I'm beginning to see a few gray hairs, I'm finally figuring out that most things in life are "backwards" of how I thought they should work. I used to have to have all the questions answered BEFORE I would make a move. Not any more. I do what my HEART tells me, and ask questions later...if I ever figure out WHAT they are! I feel better about myself anyway.

You are quite a 'thinker'. I think you'll "get it" long before I did.

Hugs,
Lynn

_________________________
"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up."

– Anne Lamott

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.