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#128955 - 08/31/04 06:13 PM Random thoughts
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
I need something light today, so I went through all the unmentioned thoughts I've had. These are the weird little thoughts (most of them borrowed from the true philosophers of our age - standup comedians!) that kept me out of Harvard.

If you have 24 odds & ends on a table, and 23 roll off, what do you have left, an odd or an end?

The English language is truly weird. We drive on parkways and park on driveways. How did this happen?

Who empties the wishing well?

Have you ever noticed that on the escalator, the handrail always moves a little faster than the thing you stand on?

If you melt dry ice can you swim without getting wet?

I got fired from the bottled water plant for drinking on the job.

This was not the first weird job I ever had. I was a parking attendant at Logan Airport. I parked jets. I got fired from that too because I always locked the keys in them.

Speaking of jobs, this may sound weird, but I want to be a coroner. Easiest job in the world, in my opinion. Because if EVERYTHING possible goes wrong, what's the worst that can happen? You get a PULSE?

I was waiting to be empaneled on a jury, and one of the lawyers asked me if I could be impartial. I said sure, I can forget that your weasily little scumbag client is guilty and should be strung up by his testicles on red-hot piano wire. I would've been empaneled anyway, but the prosecuter said that red-hot piano wire was where he drew the line.

I walked the line, like Johnny Cash said. I got hit by a bus.

Smoking is dangerous to your health. Ask bacon.

Speaking of smoking, ever notice that those damn tobacoo execs NEVER smoke? And they wonder why we don't trust them!

The light at the end of the tunnel better be God. I mean, consider if it isn't. How much electricity is being wasted by that alone?!

What if God was one of us? Wait a minute, maybe He already is. He could be that driver you just flipped the bird to. That's gonna look good on Judgment Day.

A curious thing. Sodomy is still illegal in many states. Gotta be a fun job enforcing it.

As much as I like older rock groups like the Rolling Stones and Aerosmith, there's GOT to be a mandatory retirement age for rock. Sorry, but when I see Mick Jagger jumping around in Depends, I mean, it just ruins my enjoyment of "Satisfaction." And hasn't Keith Richards been dead for years already? Disney did a GREAT job on his animatronics! At least make them hire dancing girls their own age!

Okay, I'll stop now. I think they're funny.

Please feel free to add! \:D

Peace and love,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#128956 - 09/03/04 02:46 AM Re: Random thoughts
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Scot,

Did you hear that Willie Nelson was hit by a bus? He was playing 'On the Road Again'! ;\)

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#128957 - 09/22/04 06:18 PM Re: Random thoughts
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
I need to laugh again, so here goes.

Why do the televangelists say that God talks to them? First off, isn't he rather busy to be soliciting for donations? Secondly, these guys saying that God talks to them seriously pisses off those who He ACTUALLY talks to. Like me!

Speaking of televangelists. I'm pretty sure they're misreading the Bible too. Where does it say "Buildest thou Me a waterslide for Mine glory, and the everlasting masacra of Tammy Faye?"

A mystery: No sooner did I learn to tell time than I was late for everything.

The Irish have their priorities straight: Drinking and fighting. Then occasionally church and football (which, in both cases, leads to more drinking and fighting).

Speaking of, they call us Irish the Happy People. Then we write "Danny Boy." Hmmmmmm.....anyone ever notice this?

The rest of the world can fight for rights. I fight for lefts.

I went to a bargain store for a phone. I got one really cheap. It's great, except it doesn't have a 5. A buddy of mine asked me why I didn't call him anymore. I told him, "I can't call anyone I want. My phone has no 5." My friend said, "that's really weird. How long have you had it?" "I don't know. My calendar has no 7's."

Someone broke into my house, stole everything, and replaced them with exact replicas.

I may be paranoid, but at least I know they're coming for me. How do YOU sleep at night?

Somebody gave me a bag of "M&M's." I'm down to one "M." The blue one. That sucks.

I want my own soundtrack. Static.

On second thought, I want "The Girl From Ipanema," endlessly repeated.

"Don't Worry, Be Happy." Only when Bobby McFerrin pays.

Hasn't anyone gotten a restraining order on Sting? I mean, "every breath you take, every move you make, I'll be watching you."

An oxymoron - Easy Listening.

Another one - Yanni rocks.

They say people who play an instrument are sexy. I play the metronome. Start lining up now, ladies!

Yet another oxymoron - Space Mountain.

You get attention when you draw someone outside. I write paragraphs. Chicks dig me.

(Okay, that last one was weird, but I thought it was funny.)

Words that are funny - yodel, caramel, bologna, wood, boing, fiddle, hum, yep, ding-dong.

(Feel free to write your own jokes with them.)

Stopping for now. This was weird, but fun. That's what counts.

Peace and love,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#128958 - 10/02/04 08:13 PM Re: Random thoughts
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
A new one, thanks to GQ:


We U.S. sports fans know NOTHING of booing. I mean, in Boston, the BEST we can come up with is "Yankees suck!" or "A-Rod's an A-Hole!"? We should take a lesson from our British Holligan cousins. THEY know how to jeer!

Examples:

Heard while U.K. was playing France. To the tune of "If You're Happy and You Know It" -

If it weren't for all of us, you'd all be Krauts.
If it weren't for all of us, you'd all be Krauts.
If it weren't for all of us
If it weren't for all of us
If it weren't for all of us, you'd all be Krauts!

Jeering linesmen. To the tune of "Clementine" -

Who's your father?
Who's your father?
Who's your father, referee?
You ain't got one.
You're a bastard.
You're a bastard, referee!

Superstars for Manchester United don't get spared, either. To the tune of "Deck the Halls" -

David Beckham walks on water.
Everybody knows that dogshit floats!

All I need to do is start a riot at Fenway, then I'D be a hooligan, too! I plan to use "David Beckham" on Alex Rodriguez. At Yankee Stadium! :p

Peace, love, and laughs.

Scot \:D

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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