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#128871 - 08/30/04 02:46 PM What is the purpose of MaleSurvivor?
jimrh Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/22/03
Posts: 273
Loc: Roswell, GA
In recent weeks I've begun to ask myself this question and now nearly on a daily basis I keep coming back to this.

What is the purpose of MaleSurvivor?

Let me beat you all to the punch:

This is a brotherhood, a fraternity, a wolfpack. Right?

Would a brotherhood forget that one of it's members, who's here quite frequently, recently went through a hurricane disaster and had limited access to the internet? Did anyone send him a "hope you're ok, we miss you much" PM? NO!

Are we really here to help each other as a community? Or isn't this really one big frat house with out-liers in the lawn looking inside watching the big boys party it up?

The people who come to the discussion boards and the chat rooms are a huge melting pot of pure pain, anguish and trouble. With that in mind, is it no wonder that thermo-nuclear meltdowns occur in the discussion boards and chat rooms?

I think the best most of us can do is figure out how much of this we can take and then stick with only minute exposure to all of this 'stuff'.

I recently joined this organization officially and now I have ZERO clue why I did it.

Have fun with this post guys, I'm sure you're all going to chop my head off on this!


Cheers.

Jimmer


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#128872 - 08/30/04 03:01 PM Re: What is the purpose of MaleSurvivor?
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
What is the purpose of Malesurvivor?

1. Its a place we can go to know that we are not the only ones who have suffered this great trauma.

2. Its a place we can go to ask other survivors advice on the problems and issues we have.

3. Its a place we can go to vent our feelings

4. Its a place we can go to find some good books on the subject of sexual abuse.

5. It is a brotherhood. I understand what you are saying about the member from Florida but I think most people didn't know he was from Florida or if so where in the state he was from. Mistakes are made sometimes, were only human.

Those are the reasons I can think of off the top of my head but I think thats a valid reason to come to this site.

Jason

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#128873 - 08/30/04 03:11 PM Re: What is the purpose of MaleSurvivor?
Archnut Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/02
Posts: 343
Loc: United Kingdom
Jimmer

I come here to make sure that I'm not going round the bend.

As far as the term brotherhood is concerned I hate it. It makes my skin creep in fact, smacks of secrecy (sp)and of being in the shadows.

Thats why I dont use it.

Ive had enough of secrecy

Archnut


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#128874 - 08/30/04 03:16 PM Re: What is the purpose of MaleSurvivor?
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
Jimmer, I think the name of this site makes it self evident as to its purpose. However, what we put into it, how much positive energy we invest in it and ourselves will determine how effective it might be. Peace, Andrew

_________________________
there is no courage without anxiety

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#128875 - 08/30/04 03:24 PM Re: What is the purpose of MaleSurvivor?
survive75 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 304
Loc: Massachusetts
I wish I had enough time to come here more often, reply to posts more, and PM people who are going through rough times. However, with a full-time job and trying to handle my own shit, I am lucky to briefly make it once a day. Equally, I don't expect others here to be able to do much more than reply occasionally to a post or PM of mine.

The purpose of any online forum is to provide just that - a forum - for issues that we are facing. It is not a brotherhood. At least, I don't think of it that way. It is a group of random people who have found this site and have common interests - albeit tragic ones - to discuss.

And considering what we discuss here, I think we all need to be commended that we don't have more meltdowns here. This is volatile stuff we are dealing with and the fact that we can lend support to each other when we can is amazing.

I'm sorry you have come to question your membership here. But like anything, you can choose to a) stay on and give and take what you can via the internet with a bunch of men who are just like you or b) leave and put your energy elsewhere.

I think we need everyone here because our collective experiences, our differences in views, and our recovery efforts are valuable to us all at the site.

_________________________
-Sean

"Even though I know/I don’t want to know/Yeah I guess I know/I just hate how it sounds"

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#128876 - 08/30/04 03:24 PM Re: What is the purpose of MaleSurvivor?
brian-z Offline
Member

Registered: 07/11/02
Posts: 770
Loc: Western USA
Jim and Archnut,

I'm with you on the brotherhood thing. People are going to click up, it's human nature. But it's common courtesy not to flont it publicly.


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#128877 - 08/30/04 03:24 PM Re: What is the purpose of MaleSurvivor?
Dan88 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/02
Posts: 247
Loc: DC
Personally, I consider it an online support group. But I don't really see it as a community or brotherhood. I just don't know the people here well enough. Not that I don't value all the feedback and support I receive here. I very much do appreciate it all.

I certainly won't jump on you. I think you've raised one of the interesting problems with maintaining a group like this. This is a very diverse group brought together by just one unpleasant shared aspect of our history. But a lot of the other obvious stuff, we don't know about each other.

In the case you reference, I certainly didn't know there was someone here affected by the hurricane. (In fact, I still don't know who it is.) I also don't know who's having a birthday, who's suffered a loss in their family, who's moving, who's getting divorced, who's been laid off from work, etc.

Given the limitations, I think this place functions as a great support group. But if people want it to be more than that, maybe we need to consider how to make that happen.


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#128878 - 08/30/04 05:49 PM Re: What is the purpose of MaleSurvivor?
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Let me make a couple of things quite clear. When there are references to wolfpack and brotherhood I can honestly tell you that they orginated with me and someone named Wuamei. In no way was it supported by the Board of MS. As a matter of fact two people for whom I have a great deal of respect expressed their displeasure.

So if you want to beat someone to death about this Ime the Guy you want to attack. I refer to it as a brotherhood for the following reasons.

Our past has brought us here. We come mostly in pain and fear etc. We bring a different personality and set of emotions to MS. But we have one thing in common. We are trying to put our lives back together. And what do we find here. By and large compassion and fellowship.
Speaking for myself I have never in my life encountered that from men. I have been kicked in the ass when I needed it and have been offered support and guidance when I needed it and I try to carrry that out to all who come here.

IF ANY OF YOU FIND THAT OFFENSIVE I APPOLOGIZE. BUT THE CLIQUE THAT IS REFERRED TO IS WRONG. I ASK YOU ALL TO LOOK INWARDS AT YOURSELVES AND ASK CAN I DO THIS ON MY OWN. I KNOW GODDAMNED WELL I COULD NOT.
SO DONT ATTACK MS OR THE BOARD OR OTHER MODERATORS. IT IS ME THAT YOU WANT. HAS EVERYONE GOT THAT FOR GODS SAKE

I HAVE JUST PLAIN HAD ENOUGH

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#128879 - 08/30/04 06:02 PM Re: What is the purpose of MaleSurvivor?
jimrh Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/22/03
Posts: 273
Loc: Roswell, GA
Mike,

I was going to send you a PM to explain the reason for my posting this but since you've taken it upon yourself to be abusive and offensive to the other guys who've posted their opinions about hating the idea of a brotherhood or clique, I'll respond in public.

Had you taken the time to read my points as well as those from the other guys here you might have seen things from a little different angle.

It seems ok when some people (read: INSIDE THE BROTHERHOOD) post things on this board that bother them. If others (read: OUTSIDE THE BROTHERHOOD) post things that bother them, their heads are bitten off. It seems that if you're inside the Brotherhood, you can post something about how you feel, what's wrong, why you're anguishing inside.

Hell, you can even post things about other people that are not so nice and even get away with it!

Outside the Brotherhood, you're posts that are not so nice are edited for content, or moved, always without warning and often without warrant.

Read my post on the Discussion Board board and you'll get my drift.


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#128880 - 08/30/04 06:08 PM Re: What is the purpose of MaleSurvivor?
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
I THINK I MADE IT CLEAR WHY I REFER TO IT AS A BROTHERHOOD AND IF THAT IS NOT CLEAR I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IS. SO IF I AM WRONG I FREAKING WELL APPOLOGIZE OK

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#128881 - 08/30/04 06:10 PM Re: What is the purpose of MaleSurvivor?
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Sorry to interrupt you guys - but this makes me soooo sad!

Don't know what else to say - except that I wish you all well & I hope you will find a peaceful way to settle this & get on with healing & support.

Sorry to intrude. Hope you will forgive me.

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#128882 - 08/30/04 06:10 PM Re: What is the purpose of MaleSurvivor?
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Okay, this is going too far.

Jim, you're absolutely right. This is NOT a "brotherhood" in the terms you state. For yes, that kind of "brotherhood" is a form of exclusion for the right to feel "equal among the superiors."

So, nope, I don't see this as a "brotherhood."

Instead, I see it, and you'll pardon me using this overused cliche', as a band of brothers. We have all been through a battlefield of sorts, barely avoiding getting our heads shot off, maybe getting mauled by the landmines, and having to deal with the injuries.

Then we end up in the ward. We wake up, and stare at our injuries, and wonder just how much we've lost. How much we're alone. How we'd be starved to hear JUST ONE person say, "I've been there too."

And the person in the next bed says it. Then, we're not alone.

Yes, some of the brothers may not talk to you directly. Maybe they don't connect with you as "directly" as they do other brothers. Maybe some of the brothers are just plain @$$holes and you CANNOT STAND to be around them. But you know they're there, they're going through the same thing you are, and then you may not be so alone anymore.

So maybe some of us, Hell, MOST of us, don't live up to your expectations. Maybe they don't make the connection with you you'd want them too. Maybe you feel slighted by some, but not by all.

Yet here you are, still here with them.

They disappoint you, yet here you are, joining them.

They piss you off, yet here you are, telling them you hurt and why THEY might be to blame for it.

And, as pissed off or alienated they feel about you, they don't leave you, either.

We're family here, Jim. Maybe not by blood, but by circumstance, and when family pisses you off, you stay with them, because you know they have your back, even in the times you're at the most angry or alienated. And you give them your back, because, Jim, you know, whether you want to admit it or not, they'll return the favor, even if it's just by listening to you bitch, or cry, or say what a good day you've had.

So, here you are, saying you've joined us officially, but you don't know why. You attack us for our indifference, yet here you are, still walking among us in the ward.

Why are you here if you feel so angry and isolated?

Maybe you're not as isolated and alone as you say you are.

Something to think about, Jim. And yes, I sound like an @$$hole yet again, but I wouldn't say these things if I didn't want you to know that you are listened to, and, yes, cared about.

Just something to think about.

Peace and love,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#128883 - 08/30/04 06:32 PM Re: What is the purpose of MaleSurvivor?
jimrh Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/22/03
Posts: 273
Loc: Roswell, GA
It clearly is not kosher for some people to post how they feel or what they think on this MaleSurvivor site.

I apologize for stating my opinion and posing the questions.

I've learned my lesson.

Jimmer


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#128884 - 08/30/04 06:37 PM Re: What is the purpose of MaleSurvivor?
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Again, Jim, you fail to see the point. We are all guilty of it. We apparently missed yours.

There is no crime in posting what you feel. Just as there is no crime for others to post how they feel.

And here we are, stuck with each other all the same.

Like I said, family. Whether you want it or not.

Peace and love.

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#128885 - 08/30/04 07:03 PM Re: What is the purpose of MaleSurvivor?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Quote:
Topic: What is the purpose of MaleSurvivor?
MS is somewhere male Survivors of sexual abuse can come and SHARE their common experiences.
It's a place where we can ALL get SUPPORT and FRIENDSHIP.
When we share these things with our fellow Survivors we MOVE FORWARD because we LEARN from the experiences of those who have gone before us.

On a personal note - I don't care if some guys call it a "brotherhood" or whatever, if the name doesn't suit me I get over it and don't use it.

Is there a "clique" here at MS? quite possibly, and it's inevitable. Some people have been here a long time, like myself. And because of that we're used to each others ways and we shoot the breeze, and make a bit of fun of each other. That's life, it happens in the real world, and I'm afraid it isn't going to go away.
Does it mean "we" treat new guys differently? I don't believe so. I know that I try to greet each new guy, and try to respond to their posts first. And I KNOW I'm not alone in doing this.

Guys, this spate of moaning and arguing is doing NOTHING to help us as Survivors. Jim asked an important question, and the answer bears serious thinking about.

Let's get back to the REAL reason we're here - please.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#128886 - 08/30/04 07:20 PM Re: What is the purpose of MaleSurvivor?
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Jimmer,

Yes this is a webforum for survivors of SA, it is unfortunate that we have to be here, but if we use it right, it is a place, where we can be among people who have been through the same experience as yourself, we use it as a source of knowledge. To find out who we are?

To rebuild our lives, lives that were broken as little boys, the same little boys who never knew the real ways that other boys naturally grow up, we are confused and broken. When we come here, we can be even more so, by not being vigilant, to what might be hurting to another, we should be vigilant, it was one of our earliest teachings.

One thing is for certain, we need not even think about who is more popular, or who seeks/ gets attention, we all want attention, if not, we wouldn't be here.

We come here to share, maybe somethings, we would never tell another soul in this World, and for everything we do tell, it is a little burden shared, the burden that we have carried for so long and not been able to share, that is, until we come here.

We do have a very real obligation, when in these forums, to be aware of other peoples' thoughts, and to respect their boundaries and different views. If they conflict with our own, then, maybe it is us/we, that needs to change and to embrace different ways of thinking. Thinking, without challenging, accepting anothers' viewpoint is not so hard here, as long as we can see the vista.

I pray, that we all can get together, as one, I know it is not possible, or is it? I come on this site and find that there is nobody posting, nobody sharing, maybe too scared to even venture in, to see what, a slanging match. This is what we are not here for.

We should be here for one another, we should care, we should be there for others, as their needs be, we should reach out with helping hand, if it need be, not fighting, didn't we do enough of that, all our lives, if we didn't, surely we should not be here, I don't know.

The only thing I do know, is that people have been deeply hurt, by things that should not be going on in here, it should be the Oasis we all look for, the place of understanding, what to us was never understood, and as children, it affected us all so deeply, "you" included.

If we rock the boat surely we all fall out.

Mikey

I am deeply sorry, this episode has gotten to you, I just don't really know why it has had to come this far? Why? these things are put here, but I know, It has deeply affected me and others.

It is though, not you're problem, sometimes not mine either, but sometimes, we see ourselves, as the one big problem, and that sometimes is all that is needed is to sort out the "Big Problem".

I am deeply concerned for all, embroiled in this, an Mikey, I am sorry you were brought into it, I wish you well, you don't deseve to embroided in it.

take care

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#128887 - 08/30/04 07:30 PM Re: What is the purpose of MaleSurvivor?
Fred Tolson Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/03
Posts: 375
Loc: Denver, CO
I ask anyone who reads this to understand that I'm speaking for myself and not as President of MaleSurvivor.


For those of you who may not know I am a survivor. I have been a member of this board since it’s beginning. In fact I configured and installed this board.

Rightly or wrongly others and myself feel a sense of “ownership” in this place. We are the “greybeards” if you will. Over the years I have witnessed all manner of nonsense, miracles and the butt ugly drudgery of recovery.

This board isn’t a substitute for therapy. It isn’t group therapy or a crisis center. It’s a forum for those who have experienced the horror of abuse. It’s open to the public, indeed the whole world. We have guidelines, moderators and an organization to support it. From its inception it was decided to provide this resource “free” to anyone who may visit here and to make it accessible to the public.

Very rarely some users have been invited to not return and others have been permanently banned. This is always a last resort and it is not the decision of one or two people, but the entire Moderator team, the board Administrator, and the Committee Chair of the Board of Directors in charge of this site.

You know this is a hell of a resource. In fact it was the only resource of any consequence for many years. (And still is IMHO.) We can argue, disagree, dislike, complain and bitch, but we cannot be abusive toward each other. I am not alone when I say if anyone visits our “house” and is inappropriate it will not be tolerated. This is not a threat. It’s just a simple fact.

If any of you knew me years ago you would know I was reactive, angry, insecure, etc. In other words I was simply a wounded man trying to make sense out of something that seemed beyond human understanding. I haven’t forgotten my “roots”.

What I’m trying to say is play hard and play fair with each other, but do not abuse one another. We “greybeards” will not tolerate it.

Fred


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