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#128808 - 08/30/04 12:26 AM I Don't Believe In Love
yesac76 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/23/04
Posts: 508
Loc: Idaho
This thought process was brought about by a topic on intimacy.
The last person I really let close crushed me. Her name is Deborah.

At the time I met her, I was a manager at McDonalds. She was hired and I trained her. I thought she had a sweet personality and we hit it off right away. We frequently got a talking to for spending too much time talking and not enough time working.

I had a cousin who was getting married in a few weeks, and I decided to ask Deborah if she would like to go with me. She did the giggly-girl thing, saying she was flattered and would love to go with me.

I then asked her out to a movie that night. We went and saw The Mummy Returns. We went out to eat afterwards. We had a wonderful conversation. When I dropped her off, she shook my hand, explaining her religion, Mormanism, forbid kissing on a first date. Not a problem, I would never want her to compromise her principals.

The next day, she asked if I could help her move. I said sure. I went over to her house the following evening. One of her roommates was their and let me in. Deborah showed up over an hour late. No big deal. But, I had to get up at 4:30 the following morning, and it was already after 8. She flirted the entire time we were moving her things. We finished at after 1 in the morning. I got home after 2, and had a two hour nap before I had to go to work.

I spent the next evening driving her around. All the while, I grew more and more fond of her. She flirted constantly with me, but it never approached anything physical.

THe next weekend, she called me and told me a friend of hers had been hit by a car and killed. I of course went over to her place to lend her comfort. Now, I am not an expert, but when I got their, she was laughing, and never mentioned her friend. She had me drive her around again that day.

We went out to a movie the following week. She said I would make a good boyfriend for her. We began making plans for things to do together. I was so thrilled to finally have found someone to get close to.

SHe went to Utah for the weekend, and I took her out to dinner when she got back. As I picked her up from her job, (she had quit McDOnalds at this point) she told me she saw I guy she knew when she was younger. He had broken her arm, on purpose, years ago. SHe kept gushing about this guy, how cute and smart he is. THis stung, I thought she like ME. She spent most of the evening on her cell phone. When I drove her home, she did not talk to me at all. She was on the stupid phone, talking to people she had seen the previous day. I overheard her say, "Oh, I am only with Casey. He doesn't mind." They were talking about her spending the night on the phone. Only me??!!?!? Was I not the won spending all my time and money on this girl? I was dumb and pretended I did not mind. SHe did say bye as I pulled up in front of her apartment.

WHen the day of my cousins wedding reception arrived, I was excited to introduce Deborah to my family. I picked her up, and she complained about what I was wearing. Then she had me drive to the opposite side of town we were going to, so she could pay a bill.

We arrived late. I let it slide. We went inside and her demeanor changed. She was being quiet and when she did speak she was being rude. SHe ignored my favorite aunt, who tried to talk to her. I went to get her a drink, and as I sat down beside her, she glared at me. She then looked at me and said, "It would be horrible if THESE PEOPLE think I am your girlfriend!" These people. I was taken aback at the venom in her tone. I asked her what was wrong, and she said she did not want people to get the wrong idea. THat hurt, alot. I left the table and went to greet my Grandma. SHe asked if I was going to introduce my friend to her, and I of course said I would.

I approached the table, and she asked me to sit down. I did. She then said, "You need to find another job so you can spend more money on me." My jaw hit the floor. I have never heard anything so mean and hurtful before.

My favorite aunt came over again and sat down and began trying to talk with Deborah and I. Deborah rolled her eyes and ignored my aunt. THis pissed me off. I asked Deborah if she would like to leave. She said she was not felling well and wanted to go home and get some sleep. I was concerned, thinking maybe she had the flu that was going around, and that could explain her demeanor that evening. Now my cousin and her new husband had yet to arrive.

I told my Mom I was leaving, and she asked what was wrong. I told her I would tell her later.

Driving home, Deborah asked me if I wanted to take her to the movies, and I told her NO. She began taliking about how much better our relationship would be if I had more money to spend on her. I was fuming, but I never said anything cross to her.

By the time I arrived back at the reception, I was seething. My Grandma asked why I did not introduce her, and I told her that Deborah was feeling ill. I got more upset as the night wore on. At the end, I was walking my Mom to her Jeep and explained what transpired. She hugged me and said she was sorry.

That night, I was so upset I couldn't sleep. I tried to call Deborah the next day, but she never picked up the phone. It felt like my heart was ripped from my chest.

Three days later, I finally got ahold of Deborah and sked her why she said what she did. I told her how bad what she said hurt me. Deborah claimed she did not remember saying those things. She said she did not want to lose my friendship. I forgave her, stupidly.

She asked me to drive her to the mall the next weekend. Now, I forgot to mention that while we were dating, she was trying to talk me into converting to Mormonism. I have nothing against the religion, but it is not for me. As we drove to the mall, she kept talking about her religion, and how it is better than Catholicism.
On the way to her apartment, she said I should take her to Salt Lake City, so I could see a movie about Jesus. She could stay with friends, and I would have to either sleep in my car or get a motel room. She then said if I converted, I would be worthy of being her boyfriend. WORTHY OF BEING HER BOYFRIEND?!?!?!?!
I pulled up in front of her apartment. I told her what she was doing to me was wrong. I told hher I cared about her alot, but I could not take the games she was playing. I told her to call me when she saw that my being a Catholic did not make me evil. I have never spoke to her sinse that day.

Now, I am not bitter. She was a learning experience, but she also hurt me deeply. I am now terrified to let anyone really close to me. I was letting my friend Holley in, but that has fizzled out. It has me wondering if it is worth it. Why let someone in when every time I do I get hurt. I hurt enough already from the SA, although I am healing. But, I am lonely. I am torn between my needing someone share my life with the fear of hurt. Which is worse. Being alone or being hurt? I wish I knew \:\(
Casey

_________________________
"You live it or lie it" Metallica

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#128809 - 08/30/04 01:01 AM Re: I Don't Believe In Love
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Yikes!

You know the old saying that begins "with friends like this....???"

Wow!

What I find so incredibly amazing about this is the confusion between religious affiliation vs. conduct: talk about hypocrisy!!! Here she is - trying to convert you - while all the time, she is (1) disrespectful to the people you love most, (2) materialistic beyond belief, (3) telling outrageous self-serving lies, (4) exploiting your generosity & good nature.

UGH!!!!

Casey - I am just naive enough to think that love really DOES exist - both as an abstract quality in "nature" AND as a specific connection between people. But those of us who have survived personal violence and abuse often end up attaching ourselves to some very sick unloving people - because that is all we have ever known.

Please don't feel you have to beat yourself up for not having been more cautious: it comes with the territory & it's part of your recovery. In time, you will find someone more worthy of you.

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#128810 - 08/30/04 01:26 AM Re: I Don't Believe In Love
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
You know, Casey, when I got to the end of your story, I was proud of you. I was waiting for there to be a part after the wedding reception where you dated her for 18 months or something like that :rolleyes: I guess we know who has spent her share of time around people in toxic relationships.

It sounds like you are not doing such a bad job of being discriminating about who is good for you to let in, and who should have the door slammed on them. In my opinion, being alone is worse than the risk of being hurt. Every close relationship has some risk, and some hurt, in it, because we are all human and mess up sometimes. But when the people are genuinely caring and close to us, the little hurts don't feel so much like the big ones, if that makes any sense.

Take care of yourself,
SAR


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#128811 - 08/30/04 09:57 AM Re: I Don't Believe In Love
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Casey,

how could she do this? It maybe is a good thing you found out, I am sorry she hurt so much, but, this is life, and it stinks when you have to put up with finding someone like this girl, who sounds like she has no feelings inside.

It reminds me of a time, long ago, when I was young, I asked a girl who I worked with to go out, I was also stunned, when she said yes, I was greatly hurt when she dumped me, and I still had to work with her, you can imagine the anguish I faced.

Her sister told me, she does it to most fellas she has met, which sort of cushioned it.

I saw the same girl, about 8years later, and she sweet talked me into getting back together, and how sorry she really had felt all them years.

I rejected her, just has she did to me, and guess what? She certainly had lost the looks she had then, and she probably had so much hurt inside her, knowing she can't get the guys so easy, but to prey on my mind again, no, I saw it coming.

Don't follow the road to loneliness, there are plenty of girls, who will like you out there.

I hope you find her, cos you sound like a real decent guy

take care

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#128812 - 09/03/04 02:44 AM Re: I Don't Believe In Love
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Casey,

I am very sorry this person treated you so badly.

I have had only two different 'real' relationships. One, with Angela, we were both rather younger, and I had never had a girlfriend before, I think she had only had one boyfriend. We trained in different parts of the country and spent most of the time apart. We would go to eat, to movies, hold hands, dancing. Once in a while we would kiss. She would stay with me and my roommate when she was here in this area. She finally was wanting me to be more intimate with her, something I was not able to do yet. So she broke off with me.

But Susanna, my girlfriend right now, we have known each other, and loved each other in various ways, for seven years now. She is proof to me that love exists. She does not just own my heart, she IS my heart. I am fortunate, I know that. Very much. I hope that you can find someone similar in your life, and you will have belief in love reaffirmed.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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