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#12865 - 05/01/03 12:26 AM Re: The shame that I harbor...
Sleepy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
I've been thinking about this thread all day. After reading all these great replies and receiving much needed validation, I came to the conclusion that I need to make a statement.

Hear ye, hear ye:
From this day forth I will no longer live my life in terms of the shame that others, whether intentional or not, have placed on me. I will again take risks and live my life. I may stumble but I will pick myself up and continue forward. And I will use all available resources to help me when I do stumble.

Okay, I needed to get that out of my system.

_________________________
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

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#12866 - 05/01/03 12:52 AM Re: The shame that I harbor...
Sleepy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
With that said, there are some very interesting comments that have made me think hard about. I'm very glad that everyone posted because it made me feel much less alone and it validated much of my concerns.

Randy,
I don't think you realize how much your post made me think. For sake of simplicity I did not mention in my initial post that I did not tell my T about the incident with my parents. It was hard enought to talk about the cross dressing in the first place and I think my mind was busy enough. I kind of forgot to mention it. However, the mere fact that I may have misinterpreted my parents is a very real possibility. I truly believe that they weren't cognizant that as a child I didn't understand adult emotions very well. What else was I to do other than internalize it. And certianly I loved the sensual aspects of the underwear. I gave me a great rush.

Roy,
Your comment about the Playboys makes me remember a time when I was caught, yet again, using a vibrater when I was around 6. It was the same look as I described earlier. And, man, their lack of communication was another example of their negligence . I also have to say that too much of your story rings true for me.
As for my sister, I don't know. The question has come up many time with my friends and my T but I don't know. We're not that close. But it certainly makes you wonder. And my dad, he's a great and caring guy but emotionally removed. His mother committed suicide when he was being shiped off to Vietnam and his father died in a tragic car accident. The result was that he never dealt with his emotions. It's very sad, actually.

Jeff,
Quote:
Funny how sex and shame got so mixed up for me along the way.
It is funny, ehh? I clearly remember in elementary school that thought that it wasn't proper to have a girlfriend. Other boys had girlfriends but for me it was something I knew I shouldn't do. Unfortunatly things haven't changed. But it is a little interesting how these things got mixed up.

Okay, I'm exceptionally tired tonight. I'm very sorry if I didn't address anyone else but I'm gonna jump in bed. Thanks guys.
Mike

_________________________
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

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#12867 - 05/01/03 03:44 PM Re: The shame that I harbor...
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
Hear ye, hear ye:
From this day forth I will no longer live my life in terms of the shame that others, whether intentional or not, have placed on me. I will again take risks and live my life. I may stumble but I will pick myself up and continue forward. And I will use all available resources to help me when I do stumble.
Mike that's worth framing!

I find this very helpful today. I just got back from unloading a shit pile on my T.
Helpful session but I'm drained.

Thanks for the good words for all of us.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#12868 - 05/01/03 09:28 PM Re: The shame that I harbor...
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Mike:
You have come a really long way in the time I have known you and it shows the kind of determination to heal that I so respect.

Yeh live life, make mistakes and keep going. That is what all of us should do.

I am also happy that you are leaving the sick shit where it belongs. With them.

You are you and that is it. And my brother you will get nothing but support here. We are all in it together.

You are a light for the young ones to follow

Your brother wolf

Another Mike

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#12869 - 05/02/03 12:23 AM Re: The shame that I harbor...
Sleepy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
Vic,
I totally know what you mean by being drained after seeing your T. Sometimes it's so emotionally taxing that it leaves with nothing to spare. But usually it feels good.

Mike,
I think I'll need all the support I can get in the weeks ahead of me. After living at home for the past year I'm moving back in with my old college roommate. This is a big step for me. It scares me a little but it's something I need to do. I need to rebuild confidence in myself after it was eroded from this unexpected emotional crisis. Things are going well but I still need the support. I know I'll be enlisting everyone's help here.
Mike

_________________________
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

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#12870 - 05/02/03 12:34 AM Re: The shame that I harbor...
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
You can count on me brother. I will be away till Sunday but I will be back then.

Just take it nice and easy

Your brother Wolf

Mike

AAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOO

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#12871 - 05/15/03 03:33 PM Re: The shame that I harbor...
Clapton Fan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/29/03
Posts: 23
Loc: Shrewsbury, United Kingdom
Mike

"I loved doing it. I truly did, but it was my deep, dark secret that I would never tell". ;\)

Your post reminded me so much of myself and the desire to cross-dress. Like you I had a facination with my mothers clothes from a very early age. I think at the time it was the smell of my mother that I most enjoyed but as I grew older so the experimenting began as to when the sexual feeling kicked in I cannot for the life of me remember, but I can remember feeling nice "down there" and I preume I followed that nice feeling. I think my motther (as they usually do) knew what I was doing as she always talked of sexual matters in a very matter of fact way, whereas my father would turn crimson and begin to sweat profusely when asked anything to do with sex. Anyway I can remember following these nice feelings and began (at what age? I have know idea) to indulge in that wondreful pastime of masturbation, unfortunately my father warned me against this saying that I would go blind, it was doublely unfortuate when a few months later I was diagnosed with a squint in my left eye and prescribed galsses. I put my order in for a guide dog. \:D

Still back to the point. Once more I cannot remember when my interest went underground as I was being eaten alive by guilt and shame, but the pleasure derived from cross-dressing was mind blowing and very addictive. By the time that I was being abused by a group of men my dressing had gone underground completely but it was never very far from my mind. The impression I gave to the wider world was one of rebellion (street gangs during the skinhead era here in the UK, early seventies. I was a skinhead with very long hair...a football hooligan) against everything, my father especially. It was during this time of classical family dysfunctionality that the first of my abusers got his hands on me. He groomed me for a good few months and then pounced with the aid of a straight pornographic film. The most explicit pictures I had ever seen before this, where the ones in a magazine called "Health and Effecincy" (readers of this in the UK may well remember this classic publication from the mid sixties).

Things then went from bad to worse I was expelled from school after first meeting with a child psychologist for a number of months. I had lost my best freind around this time, my grandfather. I never even told the psychologist what was going on. I was kicked out of the family home so I looked to my first abuser to help which he freely gave, but at a price. I was eventually introduced to friends of his in the same biz as he. They knew a good thing when they saw it and offered their help as well. God I was so nieve its unbelieveable but booze was made available. Anyway I became addicted to alcohol in a very short space of time (usually vodka if I could nick it) and that remained with me for thirty plus years. As the AA Big Book say's I actively sought out "dark places" and befriend drinkers of the same ilk, I was homeless for a number of years and lived the life as a homeless alcoholic and sometime rent boy. My lowest point however was lying in a dosshouse drinking after shave. Im rambling so I will try keep this short.

I have been in therapy now for about eighteen months and talk quite freely about my crossdressing and Penny, my en' feme name. I would dress and get the deire to crossdress but I couldnt do it sober. The first thing for me was to put the bottle down and I managed eight years sobriety before relapsing twice last year and I have tried to dress whilst sober but it did nothing for me. My wife I hasten to add knows and has met Penny and she has even been out for a drink with her. I suppose I'm very lucky having such an understanding wife. I have given myself permission to dress if I so desire so it follows that if I stay away from that first drink I may be able to control these desires. My guilt is still there but its gradually getting better as I talk about (in group) my past dressing. I dont have to do it in secret anymore and I think that fact alone has helped deminish and blunt the desires.

"Please understand that I do love my dad despite much of what I say".

Unlike you though I have no relationship with any of my side of the family. For this I certanly feel no guilt, only relief.

Now all I have to do is do something with regard my porn addiction which makes me feel even more shame than the cross-dressing.

I hope this helps in some ways.

And all that was left was hope \:\)

Kirk


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