"I loved doing it. I truly did, but it was my deep, dark secret that I would never tell".
Your post reminded me so much of myself and the desire to cross-dress. Like you I had a facination with my mothers clothes from a very early age. I think at the time it was the smell of my mother that I most enjoyed but as I grew older so the experimenting began as to when the sexual feeling kicked in I cannot for the life of me remember, but I can remember feeling nice "down there" and I preume I followed that nice feeling. I think my motther (as they usually do) knew what I was doing as she always talked of sexual matters in a very matter of fact way, whereas my father would turn crimson and begin to sweat profusely when asked anything to do with sex. Anyway I can remember following these nice feelings and began (at what age? I have know idea) to indulge in that wondreful pastime of masturbation, unfortunately my father warned me against this saying that I would go blind, it was doublely unfortuate when a few months later I was diagnosed with a squint in my left eye and prescribed galsses. I put my order in for a guide dog.
Still back to the point. Once more I cannot remember when my interest went underground as I was being eaten alive by guilt and shame, but the pleasure derived from cross-dressing was mind blowing and very addictive. By the time that I was being abused by a group of men my dressing had gone underground completely but it was never very far from my mind. The impression I gave to the wider world was one of rebellion (street gangs during the skinhead era here in the UK, early seventies. I was a skinhead with very long hair...a football hooligan) against everything, my father especially. It was during this time of classical family dysfunctionality that the first of my abusers got his hands on me. He groomed me for a good few months and then pounced with the aid of a straight pornographic film. The most explicit pictures I had ever seen before this, where the ones in a magazine called "Health and Effecincy" (readers of this in the UK may well remember this classic publication from the mid sixties).
Things then went from bad to worse I was expelled from school after first meeting with a child psychologist for a number of months. I had lost my best freind around this time, my grandfather. I never even told the psychologist what was going on. I was kicked out of the family home so I looked to my first abuser to help which he freely gave, but at a price. I was eventually introduced to friends of his in the same biz as he. They knew a good thing when they saw it and offered their help as well. God I was so nieve its unbelieveable but booze was made available. Anyway I became addicted to alcohol in a very short space of time (usually vodka if I could nick it) and that remained with me for thirty plus years. As the AA Big Book say's I actively sought out "dark places" and befriend drinkers of the same ilk, I was homeless for a number of years and lived the life as a homeless alcoholic and sometime rent boy. My lowest point however was lying in a dosshouse drinking after shave. Im rambling so I will try keep this short.
I have been in therapy now for about eighteen months and talk quite freely about my crossdressing and Penny, my en' feme name. I would dress and get the deire to crossdress but I couldnt do it sober. The first thing for me was to put the bottle down and I managed eight years sobriety before relapsing twice last year and I have tried to dress whilst sober but it did nothing for me. My wife I hasten to add knows and has met Penny and she has even been out for a drink with her. I suppose I'm very lucky having such an understanding wife. I have given myself permission to dress if I so desire so it follows that if I stay away from that first drink I may be able to control these desires. My guilt is still there but its gradually getting better as I talk about (in group) my past dressing. I dont have to do it in secret anymore and I think that fact alone has helped deminish and blunt the desires.
"Please understand that I do love my dad despite much of what I say".
Unlike you though I have no relationship with any of my side of the family. For this I certanly feel no guilt, only relief.
Now all I have to do is do something with regard my porn addiction which makes me feel even more shame than the cross-dressing.
I hope this helps in some ways.
And all that was left was hope