I seem to have to this "need" for male affection or acceptance. I honestly can't stand it, and it drives me crazy. How many of you have this problem? How has it affected your relationship with other males?

My best friend doesn't know that I was abuse sexually and sometimes he is very affectionate physically (likes to give me strong hugs). He doesn't realize it but this drives me crazy. I enjoy it tremendously but at the same time I hate it. I don't know what's wrong with me. Recently I started having strange sexual dreams about my best friend and I don't know what to do. I don't know what it means but it scares me to death. I have been avoiding him for a few weeks now and am thinking of just terminating the friendship.

I was raised with hardly any affection. My mother abandoned me when I was four and my father was both physically and emotionaly abusive. By the age of ten he had already stabbed me three times, never once taking me to the hospital to receive treatment.

Needless to say I'm pretty messed up emotionally, though I hide it pretty well. I just hate this emotional whirpool that I seem to constantly be in. Ever since I found this site, it has intensified and I don't know if that's good. This might be my last post.

Thanks for listening anyway.

First off, I hope this won't be your last post. Healing is going to be a process, not an event. I hope that your arrival here means that you're ready to move on, and deal with what brought you here.

Do you have any support outside of this forum?? Are there any friends you've told (besides the one you mentioned in your post), or a therapist? I know trust is a big deal for all of us, but we're not alone in dealing with our pain.

Your best friend (if that term is accurate) is going to want to be there for you, but let him know your limits. I know all about the impulse to isolate yourself away from the rest of the world. But when it's support that you're looking for, I think that ending your relationship would be bad for you.

But whatever you choose, please continue to post. You'll find friendly ears here.

We all find stuff here that is a trigger. Just take your time, and don't rush it. If it's getting too intense, try writing, instead of reading. Get it out of your system.

J
We're all in this together.

Just wanted to add a big *ditto* to what J said.

Stick around some and keep talking, it helps.

I dont know that anyone but you can know whats really going on inside of you, i do know that for me when i take myself serious and i allow myself the time to look at things and talk them over the answers have a way of making themsleves known to me.

I wish you speed and gentleness as you discover your answers.

John

ps. Welcome!! glad to have you with us!

Thank you J & John,
I appreciate you taking the time to listen and to understand. I have never told my story to any male, but I guess it's about time. Before I begin I'm going to go and get a bottle of wine, I'm going to need it to sleep tonight. : - )

lebeau.

I too would avoid getting too close to male friends. Intimacy with males meant I might need to be used sexually to maintain a closeness with another male. My big brother taught me this. When my father died when I was ten yrs. old I was told I would have to mind my big brother now. He was taking my father's place. He and my mother taught me all I knew about sex. Sibling rivalry was destructive. He used me and needed to humiliate me too in order to give away (DUMP !) the shame he was feeling in his own life experience . I needed a loving father and deserved one but he was all I had.
I have become familiar with a term, FATHER HUNGER, and what I need to do to satisfy that need from deep in my soul. I began doing what is referred to as men's work some of which is about soul searching, becoming aware of my own feelings. recovery and social responsibility ( I did volunteer work for 18 yrs. with men who are violent in their relationships.) I need connectedness with men. I need the experience of a loving father and I find this in my recovery work with loving men and the piece of each of them that represents the loving father. They have held me while I discharge the tears of a half century and have given me the same gift of allowing me to hold them while they do the same. When necessary we do it all over again. At times I fear losing a friendship (not necessarily based on reality) one of my defenses is to sexualize the relationship in my head. At the same time I know that If I did act out on that impulse the relationship would turn sour and internally ( as a boy) I would get what I feel I deserve, contempt which = unloveability. I never felt I could measure up as a real boy/man. I now can sometimes comfort that boy in all his confusion and say who wouldn't be confused having those things happen.

------------------------ be gentle with yourself
------------------------------- RJD

[ 08-12-2001: Message edited by: RJD ]

lebeau,

I truly understand where you are coming from because I suffer from the same desires of wanting to be close especially to my guy friends. I know how it feels to be hugged and feeling accepted but also at the same time feel very uncomfortable and want to break away.
The thing that I have learned is that all of us need to connect in some way or another with people. We want to be understood and heard but especially loved or in other words, want to feel complete. I believe that some of the feelings I am going through are legitimate needs that I have but I have to be careful that these needs do not manifest themselves in obsesive ways. I guess lebeau, I am just talking in jabber and not making any sense. You can contact me at bellevuefreak@hotmail.com if you want to talk more about this.

Hi,

The "need" that is talked about is very strong with me. I am in a committed, exclusive relationship and I am constantly struggling with having other men want me sexually or otherwise validate me. There seems to be a strong tracker beam pulling me close whenever I see a hot man and I feel a huge spike of anxiety rush through my body and it makes me feel scared. At the same time, I feel like I HAVE to connect with this person, that I HAVE to be accepted by him.

It is a personal struggle with me constantly and puts a strain on my relationship. I am trying to go on LTD and am seeing a psychiatrist as well as a therapist. The psychiatrist has me on low-dose Haldol and I'll be starting Celexa in a few more days. The Haldol seems to help with some of the PTSD systems like disassociation.

I'll keep reading this post for suggestions on overcoming this "need."

wOW,
WHAT A STORY, IT IS HORRID TO GO THRU WHAT YOU WENT THRU AND IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT THE WAY YOU FEEL, I STRUGGLE WITH THE SAME- A HOT HUNKY MAN, THEN I THINK WOW IT WOULD BE GREAT TO HAVE HIM, THEN I REALLY GET SICK TO MY STOMACH, IT IS SHITTY- ISN'T IT.

HANG IN THERE GET COUNSELINGN IF YOU CAN,
REMEMBER IT IS MAN THAT DOES BAD NOT GOD,
THE FREE WILL IS A CHOICE WE AS INDIVDUALS MAKE, AND THERE ARE CONSQUENECES TO PAY AND THE ABUSERS THAT ABUSED US ARE JUST SHELFISH,
EGOTISTICAL, SHITTY AND MOSTLY SICK PEOPLE.

I WILL PRAY FOR YOU TONIGHT ON MY PRAYER LIST

GOD BLESS YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

DOUG

This "need" & "desire" you all have been talking of. Some good insightfulness. But remember, abuse skews preception and the ability to process. Processing feelings, needs for attention & affection, needs for intamancy & sexual gradification (those two r very different) got all messed up by the abuse. It shattered your internal world view, (or yr ability to establish one).
Im a social worker who has had to deal with my OWN abusive childhood. Its really, really difficult to face the past and deal with it. And sometimes, leaping off a bridge still crosses my mind. But im still here, trying to take what I've learned from this horrible journey and use it to help & protect some other kid.
The problem in your life is not you. Keep your friends if u can. Break the silence slowly, but do break it. Send an unsign letter to the abuser. Pour a gallon of piss on their grave. Call the child abuse Hotline on them. Write a journal. Tell a freind, counselor, priest. Get a hobby, workout, play, find the fun in life, live!