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#128279 - 07/25/04 04:56 PM Going away (contains triggers)
al Offline
Member

Registered: 01/08/03
Posts: 143
Loc: canada
My partner Marc had been having a hard time recently. He wasnít eating very well and sleeping allot. Everything was upsetting him and he was quick to anger and irritation. Naturally i figured the reason was me, which of course it was.

One night i made the mistake of cutting up both my arms really bad. I fell asleep or passed out i donít know which, in the bathroom, and when i came to Marc was kneeling over me bandaging me up. He was crying. He said nothing. He could barely look at me. He helped me to bed silently. He was so sad and so tired he didnít even bother to wipe away his tears.

The next morning he didnít know what to say to me, so he said nothing. I knew i had crossed the line. Finally i told him to go visit his brother for a few days so he could get away from me and take a break, which he did. A few days turned into weeks.

Last week i invited him out to dinner so we could talk, so i could find out what was going on. Finally he decided to tell me that he was sick, he had a bleeding ulcer and was having a hard time with it. Jim you asked me what happened to my hope. Any hope i could possibly have was crushed in the moment that i realized i had done this to him. My sweet and innocent Marc, my savior, my angel, my knight in shining armor. Here he was, suffering because of the loser i am, the selfish inconsolable thankless user that i am. I wanted to die right there, i wanted never to take another breath, i wanted to be punished as i so totally deserved. And so i was: he told me he needed more time, at least another month. In a split second i understood what he was doing. He knew that if he told me it was over, i would kill myself, right then and there, on my way home, once i got home, whatever, but that i would do it. So what he did is he stalled. By a month. In the hopes that i would find a way, a purpose, some hope, on my own, away from him. Even amidst the pain he was going thru, he was still trying to save me. He looked like that was the hardest thing he had ever had to do, tell me a month.

What could i say. I said ok, no problem, take all the time you need. I tried to be strong. I tried to look ok with it. But when the tears came the floodgates opened and i apologized to him and said i had to leave. His look of panic will be burned into my mind forever, as long as i live. I got a few feet from the table and my body gave up and i passed out cold.

I woke up in the emergency room a few times. I was alone. I knew he was gone. I knew he had to be gone. I told myself when i wasnít so tired i would get up and find something sharp. I was so exhausted i slept. The next morning i woke up in a room and Steve was there (my real dad). This confirmed to me that Marc was gone forever. He had sent in a babysitter to try to make sure i was safe.

Steve has been with me this week. He said he would like to stay longer, but he has a job he needs to get to and 6 kids and a wife that need his attention to. Iíve talked to him about it and heís agreed to let me go back with him for a while. This way Marc can come home and at least be a little more comfortable, since the apartment is his.

I will wait out the month.

I was talking with one of the guys in chat the other night, and he refered to Marc as my ex. I told him that the day the word ex becomes effective, is the day of the very last sunrise i will ever see. I have no want, no hope, no ambition and no intention of going anywhere in life with out him. Jim you ask me not to hurt you like that, not to hurt those i love. But you know something, when someone dies, everybody always wants to know ďwhyĒ... why did he leave... why did he hurt so bad... why did he give up... why couldnít he have tried a little harder...

This is why.

To all of those who have given their unconditional love and support, thank you from the bottom of whatís left of my heart. I couldnít have made it this far without you.

Time for me to go.

Love,
Al

_________________________
Those who dance appear insane to those who cannot hear the music. Mark Kleiman

Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it. Winston Churchill

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#128280 - 07/25/04 05:01 PM Re: Going away (contains triggers)
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Al,

I've seen this kind of wording before. I don't like the sound of it one damn bit.

Man, I don't NEED you to do what I think you're going to do. Goddamn it, I lost one brother here, I won't lose you!

PM me, tell me you're okay. Get some help, my friend. Call Steve. Please don't do this.

PM me!

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#128281 - 07/25/04 05:19 PM Re: Going away (contains triggers)
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Al,

It is a sad truth that what we do does affect others.

You need to take care of yourself, not just for Marc and the hope that he comes back to you, but for yourself. Marc has shown you that life can be good. That is true, it can be. Marc isn't the one that made it good, he just showed you. You are the one that makes it good and can make it better.

You have been through a lot of real shit in your life. Shit that nobody should have to ever gone through. You did and you survived it for your strength. Not anybody else's strength. Their support is helpful, but it is your strength. It has always been and always will be.

Take Steve up on his offer, get the help from your father. Whether you consider it "babysitting" or care and concern you need. Put in the effort that you need to make it out the other side of this. You have a lot of brothers here that care and are more than willing to help. Please count me amongst them and don't hesitate to give me a call.

No matter whether Marc comes back or not, you are important. You are loved, by us and by Marc. I really hope that Marc does, not just because you think you need him to so you can continue to live. But, because that you are two people that love each other.

Please take care of yourself. Find the extra strength and resolve not to cut yourself and to take care of yourself. Eat well. Get the rest you need. Knock the demons out, one by one. You can do this. You can do this for YOU, in turn for Marc.

Bless you,
Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#128283 - 07/25/04 05:45 PM Re: Going away (contains triggers)
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
al,
listen very carefully. your words do sound decisive to end your journey, but i still see a sense of hope behind your words.

here is my story. four years ago, the woman i loved more than life itself, at that time, abandoned and betrayed me. she left me for some jerk off the net and she conceived the child i call my son. i know the darkness and the depths of which you speak, al. i was convinced that i had harmed her so badly that i drove her away iinto the situation she went to. about four months after she left, i was going to take my life. not because she had left and betrayed me, but because i could no longer see any light at all, i had finnally lost my identity, for there was nothing i could see to hold onto. that night i ws going to take my life i went to the sacristy for the last time...and after 90 minutes pouring out my heart and soul, i got up and was geting ready to leave. a miracle happened that night, al...i chose to live. there was an intervention that i wont go into here, but the intervention saved my life. i still suffered through another twelve months or so of the alcohol, the chronic depression, self hatred...but that night, i regained the strength to hope. since then i have continued to travel this journey and the pain has been nearly overwhelming at times, but i always remember that night, al, the night i found hope again.

i know the pain and despair of thinking i have caused so much harm to one i love, but the greater harm would be to ourselves and the void such a choice would leave behind. you can work through this, al. i turned away from the last choice i would have ever made because of an intervention...let us be there for you now. you are not alone, al, i promise. whatever pain another might feel at our choices and behavior, real or otherwise, there would be a greater one if a choice to build was ripped away in a moment of pain and despair. we are here for you, al.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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#128284 - 07/25/04 06:16 PM Re: Going away (contains triggers)
FlyWM Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Michigan
Love is a powerful force, perhaps the most powerful force on earth, it can heal, but it can also harm. Love can be the most beautiful thing, or it can turn ugly. I know how badly it must hurt, but it is not worth ending yourself over. You love Marc, that shows, and it sounds much like he loves you too, but he is scared for you, he is sick over worrying, that shows his love.

Take this month he has said to work on yourself, to work on you getting better, then maybe you can work on getting back with Marc, but for right now take care of yourself.

And I will echo the other guys, call someone, or a crisis line, get the help you need to get through this. Maybe take Steve up and stay with him till you will be safe by yourself. Just do what needs to be done for you to remain okay and safe.Don't let this totally destroy you and everything you are, you are still you no matter what happens, and we all care about you. If you need another shoulder feel free to PM me, I am here as I know others are here for you.

Please do what you must to stay safe, and take care of yourself. May you find some peace soon.

scott

_________________________
Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible in not a declaration, it's a dare.

--Adidas

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#128285 - 07/25/04 06:22 PM Re: Going away (contains triggers)
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Al make damned sure that you call me when you get back with Steve. You promised and I am holding you to it ok.

Remember all the things that I have told you.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#128286 - 07/25/04 11:47 PM Re: Going away (contains triggers)
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Al - I hear what you're saying and feel deeply the hurt, pain and anguish in your words. I have been in the low, dark, isolated places of pain and hopelessness too. I have also forced myself to hang in there and ride the horrible feelings out. Yes, there were really horrendous times BUT because I hung on...didn't give in nor give up, I have felt great positives I would certainly have missed - seeing my children graduate, becoming a grandfather (5/04), seeing smiling faces and being able to laugh again. HANG IN there and reach out to those who will come along side you and share the hope you can't see or feel now!!

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#128287 - 07/26/04 01:37 AM Re: Going away (contains triggers)
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Al,

I hate this. Because I don't know you well enough. I have no 'history' with you to draw on. We have not talked so much. I do not go to chat. I have had no impact on your life, good or bad. I am nothing to you.

But Al, you are NOT, NOT, NOT nothing to me. I have seen you, when I would go to chat room, and here on the board. I KNOW the kind, loving, gentle heart that beats inside of you. I knew it before your treatments, before you lost some memory of people here and other parts of your life. And I know it NOW, afterwards. It could not change. The treatments could not change your heart. The life you have lived has not hardened your heart towards others. YOU, Al, are one of the kindest, gentlest men that I have the privelege to 'know' at all from this site.

I have no right to ask anything of you. I suppose really no one here does. In our lives, we've had enough pressure, we've had enough 'you should' and 'you have to'. I have my opinion. My opinion is, life can still be good for you. And I would be extremely saddened to lose you. But I can not push my feelings and opinions on you.

You are a beautiful and precious human being Al. Please try to find it within yourself to remain with us. Please.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#128288 - 07/26/04 10:27 PM Re: Going away (contains triggers)
jimrh Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/22/03
Posts: 273
Loc: Roswell, GA
Al,

I know you. I love you. Please stop.

You stopped me from jumping off the 13th floor of a hotel in Taiwan last year. I know you don't remember it, but you did. I was devasated by an email I received from my sister. I wanted to jump.

You appeared out of no-where on yahoo instant messenger, out of the blue and you talked to me. We cried. For over an hour. I wish you could remember.

I wish you could remember all the things you've done for me.

You've been my dearest, closest friend.

Please let me be your friend. Please don't end it. Life can be beautiful, if you'll just take a chance.

Please.

I love you.

Jimmer


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#128289 - 07/27/04 11:58 PM Re: Going away (contains triggers)
blacken Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1238
Loc: Northern Ohio
Al,
Jim's words above says it with all the certainty & assurance & trueth. As low as you feel, you are far more than your pain. Marc saved you, and you went on to save others. Your life does have meaning & purpose. You can continue the great works of mercy that U have started. Suffering as you are, you give strength to so many others. You are an inspiration to us. You are The silver lining on our clouds of despare. You make us believe we can overcome, all of it.
I know words alone are not enough for your broken heart. So many of us, far more than have responded here, think of you....feel the ache in your heart as we see your pain. We know it.
Life has thrown us a really shity hand & we often feel we cant possiblly win, & then you come along & give us an Ace or two. Those Aces being, Hope, Faith, Patience, & Unconditional Acceptance. The Joker, for once isnt laughing, its Validating.
Blacken

_________________________
Everyone is a genius! If you were to judge a fish, by its ability to climb a tree,
it would think it was stupid all of it's life.
~Albert Einstein

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